Tuesday, September 30, 2014


Honestly I have been an emotional wreck the past week or so and I don't really know why. Again, not pregnant, but who knows what is going on with me.
I have actually sat awake at night thinking about the things that could go wrong between now and when I want to go home, and what could happen to Dey if he does decide to drive to Toronto in the middle of winter when we possibly go home for Christmas.
Also, the biggest thing that I have been worrying about, for I'm sure no reason at all is that when we do have another baby I fear that I am going to not have enough time for Dominic and I wont be so in love with him as I am now. Some people have told me they have never felt the way I do when it comes to their kids and it scares me that I love my son too much and I wont have room to love another kid when the time comes. I still get jealous when Dey plays and gets a bigger laugh out of Dominic and that Dominic cries when Dey leaves but not when I leave, but I have worked really hard at just letting it go and knowing that Dominic does love me too.
I want more kids so bad, especially a little girl even though I will accept whatever I am blessed to have, and I fear that if I do have a girl my want of having a girl will overshadow my son. I am probably crazy and probably the only one to feel this crazy but it's true. I have wanted to be a mom my entire life and I never knew the type of love you have for a child until I had one, and it is an intense and scary love.
I guess I am just needing to voice my feelings by writing them out and even though I have voiced them to Dey on more than one occasion I just need to write them out. Maybe by doing this I will get over my crazy fear.

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