Tuesday, September 30, 2014


Honestly I have been an emotional wreck the past week or so and I don't really know why. Again, not pregnant, but who knows what is going on with me.
I have actually sat awake at night thinking about the things that could go wrong between now and when I want to go home, and what could happen to Dey if he does decide to drive to Toronto in the middle of winter when we possibly go home for Christmas.
Also, the biggest thing that I have been worrying about, for I'm sure no reason at all is that when we do have another baby I fear that I am going to not have enough time for Dominic and I wont be so in love with him as I am now. Some people have told me they have never felt the way I do when it comes to their kids and it scares me that I love my son too much and I wont have room to love another kid when the time comes. I still get jealous when Dey plays and gets a bigger laugh out of Dominic and that Dominic cries when Dey leaves but not when I leave, but I have worked really hard at just letting it go and knowing that Dominic does love me too.
I want more kids so bad, especially a little girl even though I will accept whatever I am blessed to have, and I fear that if I do have a girl my want of having a girl will overshadow my son. I am probably crazy and probably the only one to feel this crazy but it's true. I have wanted to be a mom my entire life and I never knew the type of love you have for a child until I had one, and it is an intense and scary love.
I guess I am just needing to voice my feelings by writing them out and even though I have voiced them to Dey on more than one occasion I just need to write them out. Maybe by doing this I will get over my crazy fear.

Sunday, September 28, 2014


I am sitting here watching TV on this sunday evening and I all of a sudden I have this overwhelming feeling that if I go home in December like I want, that everything will come in while I am there and then we wont be able to get sealed anyway because I will need all my temple stuff taken care of and we would need our sealing recommend as well.
I have come to the conclusion that I need to go home no matter what this Christmas and I almost bought my ticket the other day to do so. I would be there for a month, but after hearing today from the bishop that he hasn't heard anything yet from Deys ex has really got me wondering if this trip is even doable. The bishop has said that he will call his ex one more time, because according to her the letter should have been written and sent to him already, and after talking to her he will talk to the stake president to see if he is willing to move forward with the process without it. I am really hoping that he says ok lets go for it. Maybe we can get the clearance in November. Once they send off for the clearance then I will know better if I will for sure go home or not.
I asked my mom to fast for us after conference when their ward is having fast sunday because this has been the most emotional of trials I have ever gone through.
I feel like I've talked about this a lot, but this has been my focus for the past while and has had me distracted for a long while. I get angry very easily, and I have been extra emotional these past few weeks as the time is slipping by, no I am not pregnant I checked, and it takes a lot out of me to not explode my emotions all over the place at church.
My son is 8 months old and not only are we not sealed together, which scares me everyday thinking something could happen and I wont have him in the next life, but he has not been blessed because we want my dad and brother and uncle to be apart of it. We would have done it here but we don't have any family here or super close friends and we don't really want there to be just randoms and the bishop assist in the blessing.
It is an understatement to say I am anxious to get this on the go. I used to be a little weary of the temple but I am more anxious and a bit excited about it now as I think about it. I want to go through the temple. Yes I know there will be things that "scare" me or make me wonder about things, but I'm prepared for it. Some people think I should do the prep classes, but now with my primary calling I cant really do it, but I feel like I have talked to many people about things and I feel comfortable with what is to come.

I have also been overwhelmed with Dominic growing up so quick. We got him his new car seat and he loves it, and it make me sad that hes not a little baby anymore. Also, we went to our friends little guys first birthday and it had me thinking that Dominic will be one soon and it will be time for his first birthday. That day wont be a good one for me. I already am thinking about what we will do for his birthday and who we will invite. We don't have a lot of people here and I feel like it will be a flop if we do a party.

Tonight I have just been weighed down by emotions. Hopefully tomorrow I will be more uplifted.

Wednesday, September 24, 2014

8 Months Old

It is seriously so hard to believe that Dominic is 8 months old already. As excited as I am for him to continue growing, I am getting more sad that his 1st birthday is vastly approaching and it means that my baby really wont be a baby anymore.
He is, in my opinion, not catching on to things as quickly as I would like, but I think that's because he finds people waving and talking so fun and entertaining that he worries we will stop what we are doing if he did it back to us.
Also, another thing that has been super slow for him is his darn teeth! As we have all heard me talk about before, he is still toothless and in a lot of pain some days. I can see the outline of his bottom teeth and his gums are swollen and have many bumps, but the next day it will be fine and this has been the routine for months now. It gets hard on the days when he is having a hard day and is in pain and there is nothing I can do for him. Not even nursing will help.
He can get on his knees but doesn't like to stay on them long enough to figure out he can crawl better that way instead of his army crawl/dragging he does.
He can also pull himself up from a sitting position if he can get a grip on something sturdy and strong enough to support his weight.
He is getting into everything and following me and Dey around the house. He also is starting to learn to come to me when I put my arms out for him to crawl over to me for me to pick him up.
He doesn't wave, although I know he is trying so hard to do it, but again I think its because he finds waving funny to look at. He also says mama dada baba nana and he tried to say yes when I repeatedly say is, its more of a hissing sound he makes afterwards.
He is feeding himself his Gerber Puffs and he is eating so much now. I am amazed at his growth and the fact that he still finds ways to smile every day, even if I have to force him to smile on the crappy days.
He has his first boy cousin on my side of the family, and it is the first cousin he has met and he didn't really know what to think of him but went on his merry way.
He loves dogs, and to me this is enough of a reason to get a dog. However, we would need a newer and bigger place... which we want to get here soon anyway, preferably in our current ward.
Dominic is growing and weighs about 19.4lbs and is about 27 inches long. He hasn't been in 3-6 month clothes for a few weeks now and is wearing 6-9 months or 6-12 depending on the store and how their sizes work. I finally packed all his 3-6 month clothes away and it has made me realize he doesn't have a lot of clothes for this stage in life and so I should go shopping. I also want a newer bigger dresser that matches his crib so I can fit clothes better.
We have started our swim classes today and its great getting out of the house and actually doing something that isn't just going to walmart.
We also bought his next car seat today and even though he hasn't surpassed and the height and weight requirements he is however getting big and we might as well get the car seat now when its 100$ off then wait until later, and it wont hurt him to get out of his bucket seat.

His new thing is eating clothes.

He ironically is obsessed with the foam 8 from our numbers play foam mats.

Baby is getting big and growing so much. He has learned to give kisses and high fives. I don't know what else I could ask for, besides teeth, at this point, but boy do I love him!

Monday, September 22, 2014

A Test of Faith

I never really understood what it meant to have your faith  really tested but these past few months have been the biggest test of all and honestly, if I didn't have a testimony of the church then what we have gone through would be enough for me to never go back again.
In October we went to the bishop letting him know of our plan to get sealed in the temple this summer once our year mark was up. (we got married civilly so we had to wait a year)
You would think that as a bishop in a church where getting people to the temple and making families eternal that you would be pro-active and get everything ready so that way when we got to the year mark it would be a quick and relatively painless process. This has not been the case.
When the year was up and we went to the bishop to get things started he said that he would look into it. Then as each week passed and we asked him again he would say the same thing or would be on vacation. Finally he was back and when we went to him again he told us he didn't even know where to find the information needed for us. We were pretty frustrated at this point. So when Dey went to renew his temple recommend he asked the member of the stake about the information and he assured him that he would give the bishop that information on the following Tuesday which was only 2 days away. He did indeed do this and that Sunday the bishop gave Dey the template needed for his letter and assured him that he would express post the template to his ex so she could write her letter as well (the bishop already spoke with her on the phone at this point and she agreed to write it).
So Dey wrote his letter and gave it to the bishop. Every week we would ask the bishop about it and he would say that he hasn't even read the letter yet. Finally, 3 weeks later, the bishop read the letter only to tell Dey that it wasn't good enough that he needed to write it again. I hit a breaking point and emailed the stake president and assured him that I understood that the bishop is a busy man and I respect him and his calling but that it felt like our request has fallen on deaf ears and that we have just been set aside and will be dealt with whenever they get to it and that for a church so focused on temples and families being eternal it didn't seem like we were priority. The stake president only emailed me back to tell me that the bishop was called of god and busy and to be patient. Yeah, not impressed either with that.
So this week when Dey talked to the bishop he told him that because his ex was willing to write the letter and she has told him she was busy but would write it last week that the stake president said we are going to wait for her letter... this is ridiculous because its been over a month now since the bishop express posted her form to her and we haven't heard back, and we don't really need her letter; its just a formality type thing. Then the bishop told Dey that he is away this week and wont be able to check his mail and we need an interview with the stake president and hes away until general conference.
I have hit my breaking point I think and so has my mom. She wants to go to higher up to get this moving, especially because they just had someone in their stake get their clearance in 4 weeks. We also have friends who got theirs that quick as well and live in the city. I want to change stakes because it seems like it will actually get done.
I love this church, but right now I am not loving the people called into their authoritative positions. I am getting upset and sad and we are running out of time, and they all know this. My hopes and dreams of getting home before I go back to work are looking slim and I don't have vacation time at work to use to go home until next summer. I think what else is really frustrating is that I wanted to go home in May but didn't think I would be able to afford 2 trips home so close together. Now looking back at it I could have and I could have seen my grampie one last time before he passed away.
Again, this is a major test of faith for me and it isn't an easy thing to go through.
Now if anyone knows someone who is going to get a sealing clearance tell them to be on it and to be sure their bishop knows what they are doing.
I guess for me, I am asking for all the thoughts and prayers to be headed our way so we can make this EXTREMELY important dream a reality before the time is up.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Greyson J

On September 11th 2014 I became an aunt for the second time. It is however my first time being an aunt to a nephew... well, not really as Deys sister has a son as well, but in the sense that its a blood relative. My oldest brother Jeremy and his wife Kim had their son. She was due on September 22nd but went a little early and I couldn't be happier because, well, I LOVE babies.
I asked a few questions and honestly her labor is one for the books in the way that it is envious. I guess when they were done Kim goes "that wasn't that bad at all.... we better not tell Vanessa." haha I am jealous of her quick and easy labor but I am more overjoyed that they now have a little baby as well.
His name is Greyson J Blakeney. No the J doesn't stand for anything at all other than he is a product of my brother.
Once we heard that he was born I immediately wanted to head up to Edmonton, like they did for us when Dominic was born, but due to Deys already booked week we had to wait until this weekend and boy oh boy was it worth the wait.
We got there and I immediately went over to his mamroo swing and picked him up. I didn't get to hold him long because he was hungry but I was super happy. He is so much smaller than I ever remember Dominic being and he for sure has a smaller head than Dominic did... and not in a bad way. His head is normal size, Dominic has always had a bigger head thanks to me!
Greyson spent most of his time in the swing while we were there and I didn't get to hold him much but when I did I was in heaven. I am pretty sure my uterus skipped a beat haha
Dominic was a crank for most of the weekend so little to no sleep was had for me and I didn't get to spend as much time holding Greyson because it seemed like the moment I got him Dominic got into something and freaked out. I did get to take a few pictures.

Just hanging out

He always sleeps with his hands up by his head


I had to manipulate his feet like this because he kept tucking the one into the pant leg of the other

Cousins!!! Such a size difference and so weird to see something so small next to Dominic that isn't a toy.

Sleeping in the car... It didn't last long. Greyson let out a cry and it woke Dominic who freaked out for a good 15 minutes.... That's how the weekend went.

The only time I got to hold him for longer than 5 minutes... so about 10.

Hes wearing the outfit we gave him before church this morning.

His eyes were rarely open so when they were right before we left I had to take advantage and get a picture.

I am so happy that I got to see him this small because the next time we see them will be when they are driving through to say goodbye as they will be heading back to Utah in 4-6 weeks. Honestly I am so sad by this and it has me wondering why we are even in Calgary anymore. I am not ready to say goodbye yet, but at the same time I am. Hopefully Dey will fall MADLY in love with NS and we make our way back there... but who knows.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Thoughts of Thankfulness

I am sitting here this evening watching the movie "He's Just Not That Into You" and I started to remember what life was before I got married and how I am glad that I have found the one I am to spend the rest of my life with.
I remember being stuck in a situation where I thought I had found the love of my life and that if he just smartened up and took a deeper look he would realize that I was what he needed in his life and that things with us could be amazing together. I would sit there and day dream about how perfect he was, even with all his trials and his flaws, and how I didn't care about any issues he had at all. One day we would be together. I held onto that hope, a hope that didn't exist, for years.
As these memories came flooding back to me I, for the millionth time, felt like an idiot for being so hopelessly devoted to someone who had no want to be devoted to me and I felt a smile creep onto my face as I remembered I found that person.
Now is this the person I always imagined myself with, no, but he is what I needed at the time that I met him and he turned into the person I could imagine myself with for he rest of my life.
Don't get me wrong, there are still days where I miss having my alone time and the freedom to just do whatever I please, but I wouldn't trade the life I have now for anything. Yes we have our differences and our moments, but these are the things that people go through in relationships and it has helped us grow together.
So as I sit here with the movie playing and watching the different scenarios I am thankful for the scenario I ended up with.
Tonight I am happy.

5 Year Olds

I FINALLY got a calling the other week and it was in primary. I actually wanted this calling. I signed up to be a sub a couple weeks back because they have such an issue keeping people and having people available to teach so I thought what the heck!? So then I hinted at the bishop that I would love to be there and then 4 days later I got the calling. Who says lobbying for a calling in the church doesn't work!? haha
Yesterday was my first sunday there and I have the 5 year olds. Soon to be 4 year olds once January gets here, which means odds are I wont have any kids most weeks because the 3 year olds right now barely show up.
So I have 8 kids if they all show up but one family is less active, and so yesterday I had 7. It is the biggest class in primary right now. I love it.
I have Julia, Vienna, Eli, Levi, Eric, Severin and Jacob. Julia is my eager beaver who volunteers for everything and I love it! And then Vienna is her best friend who doesn't do a whole let just yet, Eli, Eric and Levi are the typical rowdy boys, Severin doesn't say a word, EVER, and then Jacob. Jacob I learned towards the end of the class that he is special needs. My heart melted immediately when I figured this out. I have always had such a soft spot for special needs kids since I was a kid myself. Sometimes I even catch myself crying when I see them sad. He is so well behaved and I can tell he is just so sweet and I think he will be the saddest for me to say goodbye to.
I feel blessed that I get this class and I am loving it already. I don't like the unpadded chairs that they have us sitting on because my tailbone has never been the same since getting pregnant with Dominic. I might end up bringing a pillow to sit on or something.
I do miss Dominic for the 2 hours because Dey takes him to young mens with him, but it makes the end of church that much more sweet because I get my baby back.
Again, I am in love with this calling and I cant wait for sunday to get here so I can see all my kids again!

Thursday, September 11, 2014


This week has brought on some early onset anxiety for me. As the snow fell from the summer skies for 3 days and the power went out for 14+ hours, I sat there and got really sad. Many tears were shed as I sat in the rocking chair putting Dominic down for his afternoon nap as I thought about this upcoming winter season. It has many perks, but also many things I am dreading.
I guess it all started on Friday when I went to a co-workers baby shower at the office and on the drive into RECA I actually started to get really nervous and sad about going in. I have been to visit many times, but this time it was as if I was going to work and leaving Dominic behind even though he was with me. After being there I was able to calm my nerves and celebrate with Erin her upcoming baby. Then the snow started to fall and it hit me, we are very close to the winter season and I will have to go back to work in the dark, and come home in the dark. I don't do well with winter some times and it makes me extremely tired and sad because there is little to no light that I get to enjoy and it is super cold. I am worried because I will hate the winter and be sad about it and then to add leaving Dominic  days a week for 8 hours or more a day is just not going to sit well with me and odds are I will spend most days crying at work.
I have decided that I would try and look at some good points about this winter season and this is what I came up with to help me not dread it as much: \

1. Baby's first time playing in the snow - he was so little last winter and it was so cold and I had my incision so I didn't go out at all and wouldn't put Dominic in the snow.
2. Baby's first Christmas! - this is something I cannot wait for. I have already started about things I want to get him, and it mostly consists of boxes and wrapping paper because lets face it, he'll like that more
3. Baby's first birthday! - this is a bittersweet thing for me. I am excited that Dominic will be so grown up and doing so much more by then, and I want to do the cake smash photo shoot with him, but at the same time I don't want to have him grow up anymore.
4. Baby's first taste of something sweet and sugary - I have decided I wont give Dominic any sweets until his birthday, and even at that point it wont be a whole lot because lets face it, I eat enough junk for pretty much all of Canada.

That's all I can think of right now, and I guess that will have to do. I am hoping to focus on those and not the sad parts about this winter. I just never thought I would love or be this attached to this little person, but I am and that's ok for me.