Monday, February 9, 2015

Back to Work

On January 16th, 2015 I did the hardest thing I have had to do in a really long time. I had to go back to work. When I left last December I signed an agreement that I would go back for a minimum of 6 months or else I would have to pay back what they paid me. When I signed it I looked at the paperwork and said to myself "oh yeah i'll definitely want to go back to work" Little did I know I would love being a mom so much more than anything else I've ever done. About 3 months into my maternity leave the countdown began as I was already dreading going back to work.
Well the year came and went and so I was headed back to work. I cried the night before when I was putting Dominic into bed as I knew in the morning I wouldn't be able to spend the entire day with him anymore. For the first time in a year I actually took the time to get ready and look decent. This in turn made me feel better about myself and I have been doing it everyday.
So that first day when I got dropped off I went to the backseat and said goodbye to Dominic and the tears started to pour. I collected myself enough to get into the building and make it to the elevator. Well, then I saw Eva and she asked me how I was doing and the tears started again. So many people would ask me how I was doing and again my tears would start. Needless to say that Friday was spent holding back the tears and walking around talking to people because my desk and such wasn't set up yet. Thankfully it was a Friday and an easy day.
I have been back for a little over 3 weeks now and honestly it is not any easier. There are still most nights where I put Dominic down and I cry because I miss him terribly. I want to spend all day with him again, but I don't get to do that. I am working Monday-Friday 830-5 so I see Dominic for about 30 mins in the morning and then in the evening I get home close to 6 and he goes to bed around 730/8 which means I only see him for about 2.5 hours out of the day. This is not easy for me. I am doing fine at work and have gotten back into the groove of things, but it is nothing like I want my days to be like. I have actually had to ask for more work to do because there isn't enough for me, but there are some changes happening and I am getting more responsibility with things so my days will start getting busier so the 6 months can fly by.
I have never looked forward so much to weekends, and have never hated them so much when they are over. I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to work anymore and can stay at home with my baby.

Bill Frank

Bill Frank was the man at church who I never used to like. When he was new to our ward he was called into the young mens presidency and somehow I ended up in the garbage can. From that point on that story was brought up almost every time we saw each other. 
I remember going to his house and eating his 4 course meals, and this one time he had turnips in his mashed potatoes and I couldn’t understand why I hated the potatoes so much until after I ate them all and that was when they told me. I would also eat his peppermint patties that he had in his pantry and also his Lays BBQ chips. I remember that he always had pepsi in his pantry but my parents would never let me have one so I would have a rootbeer instead. 
There were many times that we would be at their house just to hang out. We would play crib together or just visit. We even watched the 2002 Mens Olympics Gold Medal Hockey game at his house. There was another time that he had a Christmas party and paid me 20$ to help taking peoples jackets.  There were many YM/YW mutual activities at his house that involved cooking, or firesides. 
I remember going to his house and seeing the copious amounts of pictures on his fridge and then I noticed I made it up on the fridge. Oh my that picture was horrible! I legit looked like a lion in a baby blue gap hoodie. But it felt nice knowing that he loved me enough to have me on the fridge with the rest of his family and close friends. 
I remember spending many Sundays sitting with him at church and eating his candy that he brought with him. He was a gentle man, although it took me a while to see that. He always said what was on his mind and didn’t care who he offended by saying it and justified himself because he was an old man. He always commented on how good a girl looked and called her a fox. He would always ask me if I was dating anyone yet and I would say no. 
When Dey and I got engaged and dropped the bombshell that we would not be getting married in the temple right away he heard the news from my mom and sent me an extremely long email and proceeded to say he wasn’t judging me but… and I was hurt and offended. I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive him for the words he said to me. I know it was out of love and concern for me but it just came at a time where things were already bad and it made it worse so I didn’t care what he had to say. 
When I came home I wasn’t really ready to see him just yet, but I knew that it would happen. I saw him first when we went to the ward Christmas party and it was hard for me not to just ignore him. He came up to me and I could feel the anger that had been there for so long creeping up and he gave me a hug, and I reluctantly hugged him back. But even though I was mad at him still, his hug was warm and familiar. He played with Dominic and he loved Bill just as Bill loved him, and I joked around with him as if nothing had ever happened, but still not completely over the email thing. 
When I went through the Temple for the first time and he found out he was a little hurt that we didn’t let him know because he said that he would have been there for me. I didn’t care really because I didn’t really want him there. Then when we got the go ahead to get sealed my mom asked me if we should invite Bill and Ellen, and I said I guess we could but I didn’t want to call him, so mom sent an email. Now since it was last minute I wasn’t going to be upset if he didn’t make it. I still wasn’t feeling all the love towards him. But he did show up and when he hugged me afterwards he had tears in his eyes and he said is usual “You know I love ya girl” and I knew in that moment I was so grateful for him being there for it. He made that day so much more special but I didn’t know just how much until he passed away. 
I wanted to go visit the franks before I left to come back to Calgary but I didn’t get a chance to. And I didn’t get to say goodbye to him in person because church that week had been cancelled. But Bill gave me a call the day before I left to say goodbye and that he loved me and wished me all the best and hoped that we enjoyed ourselves while being home. He could never just say it simply, he always sounded like a hallmark card to me when giving someone well wishes. It was just so Bill Frank and I loved it. 
The day after I got back to Calgary was the Sunday everyone who knew Bill Frank lives changed. It was the biggest shock to me. I don’t know how it could have happened and I don’t think I will ever understand why it happened. I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that he passed away. I think I’ve cried more over him than I did my own grandfather, mostly because I knew my grandfather would pass sooner rather than later because he was so sick and was never getting out of the hospital. 
I think, looking back on it, the lord made it possible for us to get sealed and allowed me to soften my heart and have Bill and Ellen at the sealing mostly because he knew Bill wouldn’t be around much longer and it made him happy to see me there because hes only ever wanted the best for me. I still haven’t read the email he sent me, but I will one day when I have the strength to do it. I am so happy he was there and that I got to see him and hug him one last time. 
The crazy thing is that since hes passed away I’ve dreamt of him twice. One time we were just in the same place at the same time but he wasn’t able to speak to me. The next time hit me really hard. I dreamt that I was home at church and there were some choirs singing and someones dog pooped on the stage, not sure why there was a dog there but there was. Then my mom had to sing and she was deserting me and I was so upset that I didn’t have someone to sit with. Then I saw Heather Bruce sitting there waving me over to sit with her. When I got there she was sitting with Ellen and my dad. My dad moved over so I could sit between him and Ellen. As I sat down and looked at my dad I saw that Bill was sitting next to him and that he was smiling at me. I told everyone he was there and they all said he wasn’t and that he was gone, but I kept fighting them to tell them he was there. Then I woke up balling my eyes out. It was hard on me for the rest of the day. 
I loved Bill Frank, even though he wasn’t always my favorite person, he was an amazing loving man who meant more to me than just the man at church with the big voice who couldn’t whisper and said what was on his mind. Bill Frank to me was family. Hes like the crazy uncle people are sometimes embarrassed by but love more than anything in the world. I feel so blessed to have had him in my life and to have had him at my sealing. I know that if we didn’t invite him I would feel horrible about myself and wished that I had forgiven him in my heart for the words he had once said to me. 
Bill, you know I love ya!

Nova Scotia pt.3

While being at home really didn't snow at all. There were a few flurries but never any real snow. And then all of a sudden the snow came and it stayed, for a little bit. But it made things look so beautiful!

Dey loves sea food and there was no way he was visiting NS without going to get some good ol fashioned seas food. We went to Warf Wraps down on the boardwalk and it is honestly one of the best places. We all got food, obviously mine had nothing to do with sea food, and it was so delicious. Dey loved it and hadn't seen a fish and chip platter have a fish that big. Dominic even loved the fries... which really isn't saying much because he loves any food that you give him off your plate pretty much... yes hes a dog I think.

Dominic loves snooping around the house and ended up in my moms room for a good 20 minutes or more playing with her drawers. He is also wearing his leggings and mocs from TeePeeTots&Co that he got for Christmas. Honestly they are so cute and a good price. I want to get more, especially because they make shorts too and I think that Dominic will look amazingly cute in them this summer.

So Dey left and we miss him like crazy but we are finding things to do for our last week here, which is so surreal to think that I am on my last week being at home. Dey left without his favourite hat because he lost it. We honestly looked every where, and called a bunch of places to see if it was left there but we had no luck. Then Josh and Lyla came by and mom mentioned it Josh only for him to say he hid it and pulled it out from behind a couch pillow. Honestly what a sense of relief because Dey was so super sad about not having his hat and I didn't want him to not have his favorite hat. So to tell Dey we had it we put it on Dominic and took a picture to send to him.

Of course because Lyla and Josh were here and it was going to be our last day together I had to get another picture. I hate that we live so far away from family, especially the cutest girl I know. I wish AB and NS were a short drive away instead of a 5 hour plane ride that cost 600 +. I miss family.

This girl has my heart and has since the day she was born. Shes the best 6 year old I know, and is super funny and smart and has the cutest voice and I could just be with her forever.

This was the first time she really held him herself and it took some pressuring for her do so. She was a little jealous of him being around and so it was hard for her to really want to socialize with him. But this picture to me is just the cutest.

I wanted to get a picture of Josh and Dominic together and Lyla wanted to get in on it, and it breaks my heart a little every time I see it because we aren't closer to them and Josh loved playing and hanging out with Dominic, and it makes me happy to know I have a loving family.

When I was planning on coming home I decided that it would be a good idea to bring our swimming gear because I want Dominic to be a lover of the water like I am, so finally on our last week being there we went swimming... the water was super warm which is great because the kiddie pools here aren't that warm. The issue we had was that we forgot the towels, and by we I mean me. I forgot the towels and had to use my sweater to dry us of. luckily it wasn't that cold out so we didn't freeze.

We spent a day in our pjs and snuggled after being up until 1am after watching the bachelor. It was so great spending time with the girls, and having the company I don't get to enjoy being out here in Calgary. It was also super nice having the day to just spend all curled up together.

He wanted to get into the empty diaper box, and it was so funny because he spent a good while just sitting in it, and when he wanted out he would lean far enough over that he would just plop out of it.+

Being home at the same time as friends with babies are means baby cuddles and holding onto an almost 1 year old because you can. I love Sophia and it makes me want another baby really bad.

Of course coming up to the end of our trip means getting in as much papa cuddles in as much as we possibly can because who knows the next time we will get to go home and visit him. And they are the best of friends so they need to spend a lot of time together.

We made it to the airport and there were a lot of tears shed by all, minus Dominic. I honestly hate saying goodbye and hate that we live so far away from my parents. They love Dominic so much and want to spend so much time with him and being so far away is so hard for all. I miss them terribly and hate that the computer is the only way we ccan see each other, but it makes me thankful for modern day technology that allows me to do that.

Overall our trip was AMAZING and I want to go back asap! Dominic did so well on the plane ride home, he slept through take off and landing, but pooped 3 times during the flight... not so much fun!
I love my family, and I love my home, and I hope I get to go there again and maybe move there one day.