Tuesday, November 10, 2015

Moving Forward

It's been a couple weeks now and it has gotten easier coping with the fact that I am not longer pregnant. I do however have to be mindful of any pain I might be having because it could be the 6cm cyst they saw rupturing, which I hope never happens. I did get confirmation from my doctor that this will not prevent me from trying again when I am ready. 

I have been researching and talking to those around me who have had miscarriages and asking them how long they waited before they tried again. It's funny because people who are not from north america were shocked that we were told that we should wait 2-3 months before trying because they have been told by their doctors and midwives that if they are ready they can try right away because your body is ready for this and hyper fertile right now. I have looked into different things people have said on different forums and they all say the same thing. So pretty much, if you feel like you are ready you should go ahead and start trying again. 

So knowing that I am not pregnant right now has made me a little sad that my June deadline for working will be pushed back. I have always said that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and we have talked about when I get pregnant again that I just wont go back to work afterwards. We are trying to get 6 months worth of bills saved up so that way we have a cushion for whenever that day may be. 

In the meantime I am just trying to love my son even more than I already do (if that's possible) because after everything I have gone through it is more clear to me that babies, although an often occurrence in the world, are very special and a miracle every single time. 

I love kids and I love my child, and if he is the only one I am blessed with then I will be happy with that. I will have sad moments but I still will love my child more than anything in the world and be happy that he is mine forever! 

Thursday, October 29, 2015

The Feelings Of Loss

Almost 2 years ago I was blessed by having my dream come true and became a mom. This is something I have always wanted and have waited so long for. I have found my calling in life. With being a mom I have always known that I wanted a big family and don't want to have an only child. So with that being said Dey and I have talked about when would be a good time to make an addition to the family and give Dominic a sibling. Because I was on contract with work I knew I needed to work for a minimum of 6 months before I could leave for mat leave again. So we figured out timelines and decided that if I went back to work freshly pregnant or got pregnant shortly thereafter it would be great. December of 2014 we decided we would start trying. Months passed and still no plus sign when tests were taken. Then in spring I was told about my teeth problems and about the copious amounts of dental work in my near future. So we had to put plan baby #2 on hold. I think The Lord had a hand in me not getting pregnant during those previous months because I wouldn't be able to be pregnant and be sedated and have this work done. Once my wisdom teeth came out we knew the plan was back on. Now I don't know my body as well as others and I'm not on the "normal" side of things so many ovulation tests were bought and when the smiley face showed up we were happy to know that my body was doing it's part just later than others. 
Friday before thanksgiving I had some light spotting but this for me is normal when my period is about to come so I figured that things just didn't happen that month. By Monday things weren't happening so just to shut my mind I took a test. I noticed more spotting and thought "great I just wasted a pregnancy test" so after all was said and done I looked at my wasted test and lo and behold there were 2 lines! I was so excited that my plans on surprising Dey turned into me walking into the room while he was changing Dominic's diaper waiving the test around saying look!! A few more tests were done that week to be sure and that Friday I confirmed with my doctor. I mentioned that I had been spotting almost everyday and she decided blood work every 2 days for 6 days (so 3 total) would be good to track my HCG levels. I hate needles so I was clearly overjoyed. On the Wednesday I went in for my first set of blood work with the second and third set to be on the Friday and then Sunday. 
Friday I had to go into work early so I could leave early for my blood work so I went to bed at a decent hour on Thursday night. I had some minor cramping and thought nothing of it. At about 3 am I woke up in a lot of pain. To me I was hoping it was just gas or something of that nature so I just let it go. The pain subsided a small amount and so I was at work. While at work I was keeled over because that was the only way I could get any sort of relief. I finally message Dey at 11:30 telling him to come get me. I left around noon and we headed home. After some debating, with myself, I decided we should go to my doctor as a walk in and see what they had to say. They listened to what I was saying and sent me for an emergency ultrasound in Airdrie (only place available) and we left right away because the appointment was for 2 and it was now shortly after 1. 
While at the clinic I had 2 types of ultrasound done, external and internal. They saw something measuring around 6cms just outside my left ovary where all my pain was coming from and they couldn't see anything in the uterus. The doctor came in and told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital so away we went. 
We got to the hospital and spent many hours talking with nurses and doctors, getting exams and blood work done. They put an IV in just in case they needed more than the 8 vials they already took. Dominic was the hit with the nurses which warranted him getting and EMT stuffed moose. 
After talking with the OB he was fairly certain it was an ectopic pregnancy and we had 3 options. 
1. Get blood work every 2 days and then get an ultrasound at the end of the week and go from there. But this means I couldn't be left alone for fear my Fallopian tube could burst. 
2. Give me the shot that would terminate the pregnancy naturally. The doctor crossed this out because he doesn't like to do it when they can't 100% say it is tubal. Because I have an extra long cycle the dates could be off and they could just not see anything in the uterus and what they were seeing next to my ovary might be normal or nothing at all. So if they did this option then there would be no way in knowing if it was actually a viable pregnancy or not. 
3. Have laparoscopic surgery, they look around and see if they can see the fetus and remove it or if they see nothing get out and go back to option 1 but if they do see it they would remove it and try their best to not harm the tube but more often than not the tube has to go as well which would mean only ovulating every second month instead of every month. 
So here I am faced with this decision, terrified about what's happening. Knowing that things are not good. I should also mention that the week before I got a blessing and although it didn't mention anything about the viability of my pregnancy I knew the moment it started that this pregnancy wouldn't last. Even though I knew in my heart it didn't keep me from being sad and scared. 
Dey and I decided to go with option 1 and go from there. The silver lining was that I would have the week off work. 
I went home so heart broken and terrified knowing what could happen. Best case scenario everything would be fine but that was slim to none. Next best thing was that I would miscarry. 
So Sunday I had more blood work done and on Monday I had an appointment with my doctor who said my HCG levels dropped drastically and that I would be miscarrying. That same afternoon I got an email from a midwifery clinic saying they had a spot open for me and I also started to pass some tissue. Monday was not a good day. No day has been a good day really. I had more blood work on Tuesday and again today. I also had another ultrasound today, both internal and external. They still see something outside my ovary but smaller than before and no blood flow around it. Also my uterus is not thick and there is no fluid left. All and all today I was told the obvious but it was still hard to hear that want you wanted so desperately is not going to happen for a while. But it looks like I've miscarried out of the tube so no surgery, for now. They're letting my doctor decide about what's left by my ovary. 
My heart has been heavy and sad. I have been upset, frustrated and angry at the world. I want to go back in time and not go through this. I want to stay on my couch and not move. I want to never go to work again. I just hate that this has happened. Everyday it seems like 5 more people are announcing their births of their babies or that they are expecting. 
I also found out that by having a c section it increases your odds of having an ectopic pregnancy. Thanks doctors for that one. 
I know that I will one day have more kids and I know that there are people out there who have had it worse than I have but for me this has been harder than I could have imagined. The feeling of loss is a different kind than I have experienced before. The feeling of loss is something I never want to feel again and would never wish on anyone. The feeling of loss is something I won't be able to get over for what seems like the rest of my life.
One day I had a baby growing inside and then I didn't anymore. 

Friday, September 4, 2015

Dental Woes

Ok! So as stated previously I have a lot of issues going on in my mouth, mostly cavities and me needing my wisdom teeth removed. I have been doing to the dentist and so far I have had 6 fillings done and still have a lovely 8 to go. I will be back at the dentist to use up the remaining of my coverage to fill I think 1 more tooth.
Speaking of coverage, I had to find out that wisdom teeth removal falls under "routine" dental work and not major so because I dont have like any coverage left I had to pay for all of ot (1,725$) out of my own pocket. This was not what I wanted to do but at the end of the day they needed to come out so I had to do it.
Last week I went to the oral surgeons and of course I was super nervous and because I was getting sedated I wasnt allowed to eat so I was also really hungry.
I met with the nurses and talked with the surgeon and he told me about the procedure and how it only takes about 30 minutes and then its the waking up part and getting ready to go that takes the longest.
So finally when they came and got me I was so nervous. They had me lay down and they put the mask on and said it would only take about 30 seconds or so. It felt like longer and the anesthesiologist said how it was laughing gas and I burst into laughter and he said, at least someone thinks my jokes are funny. Then I woke up in the recovery room with a mean nurse who wasn't considerate of my fears at all and kept saying, in a rude way, it's only the tape, don't tell me you can swollow because you can and other things that I can't remember. I was in a lot of pain but finally I got to leave. I remember before leaving they said they couldn't find Dey and I started to cry and told them he was the bald Spanish guy on his phone by the right back window. They found him. We left. I only wanted chocolate pudding and recovery sucked. I'm glad it's over with but now I'm being told root canals and crowns are in my future. Let this be a lesson to all, do not wait to go to the dentist for 10+ years because it's not cheap or painless. 

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Dear Dominic

Dear Dominic,
You have changed my life in so many ways. I have always known that I loved babies and that I wanted them, but when the time came down to it that I was my time to be a mom I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. There was no turning back when the test read yes. I had many feelings go through me over the course of being pregnant.... a big one being that I hated being pregnant.
The early morning when I knew you were coming (turned out to be the next morning when you finally arrived) I was scared out of my mind. I wasn't sure what to expect and I wanted to keep you inside forever! I wasn't ready for you just yet, and thought I had more time, but you were ready for me!
You came in a fashion that I wasn't expecting at all and really wasn't happy about, but you came into this world and everything changed. When the doctors said I had a beautiful baby boy I laid there on the operating table and yelled out "I have a baby!!" I didn't cry like I thought I would because I think I was too tired (it had been over 24 hours) and hungry and pumped full of drugs. But boy was I excited to meet you. I was so excited that minutes after you arrived I yelled out "are we done yet?" and the doctors all laughed. I wasn't joking, I wanted to be stitched up and holding my baby. It was another 40 minutes or so until they wheeled me into recovery and I got to actually look at you real good. Sorry for saying you looked like an alien... it was the drugs...
It is amazing how instantly the love I didn't know I had for you grew in a tremendous way. You were not just some baby I got to hold, you were MY baby. You were my dream come true. You are the reason I am alive today. I was meant to be your mother and you my son.
It is crazy to think that we were destined to be together, but it's the truth.
Your father loves you so much as well and I know he is jealous  about some of the things that we get to share, as if it is our own secret club. Your father loves you just as much as I do, but you are the only one who has heard my heartbeat from the inside. You grew inside of me, and although it was not a pleasant experience for me, I would do it all again in a heartbeat because you were the reward.
You are the perfect little boy. You have such attitude already and are growing in so many ways. You amaze me with how fast you learn things and how easily you love when you don't really understand the meaning just yet.
Your love is a pure love that has yet to be introduced to the bad things of this world. I pray that you will always love as if you are child, without any reservations, and that you continue to learn and grow, although it pains me to see you growing so fast.
I wish that you will always speak your mind, as you do already, and that you are willing to be kind to those around you.
I hope that you will stop pulling hair and pinching and that you will learn that being gentle is a good thing. Girl will be upset if you do this to them, and guys will probably punch you for it.
You are my son, my first born, my love and my life. I am grateful that I am your momma and that no matter what I will always be there for you.
Dominic Jensen Rivera, thank you for completing my life and making it whole and for making me your mother.
I love you crazy amounts.
Love Mom

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

Dropped the Ball

I was told the other day... maybe the other week... I cant remember when exactly but it's been a while since I have blogged. It looks like the last time I blogged was the beginning of May and so I guess I will start from there...

May: I finally, after 10+ years went to the dentist for a cleaning/check up. It was the most painful cleaning I have ever had and probably the most profitable one for my dentist because what they found is probably making them a pretty penny. I will be honest, I HATE the dentist and have anxiety about it and for the longest time I didnt have coverage so I didnt go. Then when I did have coverage I couldnt find one who did direct billing and was accepting patients so I said it didnt matter. I have had some minor issues somedays with my teeth but didnt really care. Now I will be very honest, even though it is embarrassing for me, they found 14 cavities, one of those may result in a root canal and that doesnt include my 3 wisdom teeth that have cavities that need to be taken out via surgery. Yup! Thats me!! Ive always been very pronged to cavities so I wasnt that surprised. Luckily I have coverage and it looks like all of it will be covered so yay me! They did also say that when you are pregnant your saliva becomes more acidic and can eat away at your teeth faster... I took that to mean that all of these issues are from being pregnant with Dominic and before that I had the picture perfect mouth!! Speaking of mouths, I have a tiny mouth with tiny teeth and I was told a few times while I was there how small they were and how the xray thingy didnt fit in my itty bitty mouth. Needless to say I have already had 2 fillings, I have another 3/4 coming up Aug. 19th and my wisdom teeth surgery August 28th, Im getting sedated for that one so watch out! Im glad I went so I can keep my mouth clean and ready.
In May I also turned 28! It's crazy!! Cort came down from Edmonton to celebrate and we saw pitch perfect 2!! Not as good as the first one but still awesome.
Oh!! Also my mom surprised me and showed up for a birthday! Honestly it was the best and so unexpected. I had been bugging her for some time to come and see me and I guess for months she had it planned so Dey picked her up late one night and when I walked out in the morning in just my garments I was shocked because there she was and I kind of half screamed and quickly turned the light back off and went back to my room to find clothes and tell Dey she was there who had known about it and he tried to play it off like he didnt know how she got in the house! it was the long weekend so that worked out and I was able to take the friday off as well after my birthday so we could spend time together. Honestly it was great and I was so happy she came out and surprised me.
June kinda came and went and I really dont think anything overly special happened at all. I was just basically working my tail off because we re launched our system and it has been super crazy ever since.
July, so far, has been busy and I also had a week off because Dey went to Atlanta and instead of paying for someone to watch Dominic I thought it was better to just get paid to do it myself. So I did and I loved it! Honestly it made going back to work so much harder and made me feel like I did in January when I came back after mat leave.
About a year ago or more I saw these wraps that people were selling that help you lose inches and I its all natural and they were supposedly amazing and I wanted to try them. Unfortunately, I didnt have the money for it then so I said nevermind. Then I saw them every where but still didnt have the money for it. Then when I cam back to work I saw a friend of mine was selling them and talked it over with Dey and decided that it was a good time to try them out. So I did it and immediately fell in love. I saw a difference in me after just 1 wrap so I thought "why dont I sign up to be a distributor and make a little extra on the side?" I also have the idea that this could be my way out of working because I know so many people on our team who have been able to make enough to support themselves and their families and it is my inspiration. I am in love with these products and I have been feeling so much better about myself using them. My mom told me I'm just gonna lose weight to get pregnant again, which could be true, but I would rather lose some weight now so that way when the baby weight goes on I'm not further away from my goal than I was before.

This weekend we are driving down to Utah for a mini family vacation/reunion. Jeremy, Kim and Greyson live there and Josh is there visiting for a month or so, my parents and Lyla are flying out on Friday and we are driving down Friday night! Honestly I cannot wait to see them and just have fun together. I'm not looking forward to the drive down with Dominic but we will make it work. We are getting family pictures and I cannot wait to see how they turn out!!!

Life is great and I am done my contract with work so I would like to be pregnant soon so I can go on leave again and make money doing it through it works! Maybe I can sustain a life with it! here's to hoping I can get what I want out of life with the help of this amazing product!!

Thursday, May 7, 2015

Sick Kiddo

A few weeks ago Dominic was coming down with a minor cold, which is pretty normal for him when he's teething. He was getting in 5 at once and so his cold was a little worse than normal, but nothing too bad. As the week went on and his cold wasn't going away I thought maybe it would pass in a couple days, but it didnt. One night I put him down for bed and he was perfectly fine, minus the sniffly nose, but he woke up around 10:30 and was standing up trying to cry. At first I thought maybe his cry was just super soft but after a moment I realized it just wasnt right. He was so upset and sad and I could tell he was in pain. His hands and feet got really cold and he was so tired but couldnt get back to sleep. His breaths got very short and quick and he had a nasty sounding cough. We called the health link because part of me thought it sounded like he had phlegm stuck in his through and I wasnt going to rush to the hospital for that. After talking with the nurse from health link we were about to hang up and do what she suggested but then he let out an awful cough and she said to get to the hospital. So we quickly got dressed and headed to the childrens hospital. We went to triage and explained everything and she took his vitals, this is where he got terrified of the stethoscope, and she said we would probably be getting a chest x-ray. We got to the waiting room, where other kids were sitting around and waiting (1h45m approx. wait time was showing on the screen) and Dominic being the kid that he is, gets a second wind and doesnt let a little breathing issue slow him down, is running around trying to play and run out through the automatic doors. We got to the hospital around 11 and didnt get in to see a doctor until about 2am. Well, by in to  see a doctor I mean out of the waiting room into another room waiting for him. He had a bad fever and they gave him popsicles, another nurse took his vitals, which was a task. He hated the stethoscope and the heart monitor was horrible for him and his heart rate was 183 bpm because he was so frantic that they had to put it on his foot and wait for him to calm down. The nurse waited in the hallway until it got an accurate reading but at one point the nurse poked her head out of the hallway into the room and Dominic freaked out at her. They gave him a shot of steroids and after a bit the doctor came in. Again with the stethoscope and Dominic freaked out. They said he had croup and strider and was fighting off an infection but told us the steroids would help but if they didnt to come back. So we packed up and went home, without a chest x-ray.

He loved those popsicles. He had 2 that night, Hopped up on sugar just like his mama

He kept trying to take his bracelet off. We had to hide it under his sleeve of his coat because he figured out how to slide his hand out.

The days passed and his cold kept getting worse and worse, his strider was gone but he just wasnt getting better so Dey took him in to a walk in clinic and they doctor there said he thought he had a bacterial infection. So a 3 day round of steroids and 7 day, 3 times a day, antibiotic was prescribed for my little kiddo and we had to make an appointment to go back after 5 days. Slowly things finally started to get better which was great. I was also really appreciative of my health benefits because they covered his medication. 

So Friday rolls around and I get back from work and have to take Dominic to the doctors for his follow up. The moment that stethoscope came near him he freaked out again. But the doctor got a good enough listen that things were getting better but he was still wheezing and there was still some tightness in his chest so we got a puffer!! Yay!!! Luckily because we made the mask look like fun he is good at taking it. He only needs it close to bed time or if it gets back during the day. I have only had to use it a few times which is great, and he still has a little bit of a runny nose and a random cough here or there but it is finally clearing up. 

Having a sick kid is so sad. And having a kid who cant really breath is terrifying. Honestly I got so nervous at first that something would happen and I would lose it. My life would never been the same if that were the case and I dont know if I would have been able to move on from it. 
I am so greatly for the health services we have here in Canada and I am so greatly for my little man. He is just the best thing to have ever happen to me. He completed our lives. If at the end of the day he is all we are blessed with, then I would be sad but perfectly happy with it. 

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

When Does It Get Easier?

I was told that going back to work was a good thing and that I would enjoy the adult interaction. I was also told that it would be hard at first but would get easier and I would get used to it.
I have been back to work now for 3 months and although it is nice to talk to some people, I do not find it easier, I do not really enjoy it and I still find myself crying about it. I just dont understand how people have it so easy and love going back to work. Am I too attached to my child?!
I wake up every morning thinking "if only I didnt have to get out of bed" proceeded by "is it friday yet!?". Dont get me wrong I have a great job and work with some great people, but I never looked forward to the weekend more than I do now and have never hated Sundays as much either. I keep waiting for this feeling to go away and its just not. I feel like im missing so much of my childs life and development. The fact that he doesnt like coming around me as much also makes it harder. Yesterday he saw the girl upstairs and Dey had left and he squirmed to get out of my arms and walked to her and wouldnt let me take him back. If you ever wonder how a toddler can break your heart, this is it.
Everyone says, just get pregnant again and then you can take off another year... well its not the easy, believe me, plus then when I go back to work it will be even harder because I will have 2 kids to leave behind and Dey wont be able to watch 2 at the same time and still get work done so we would have to pay for daycare. Honestly, I am just so overwhelmed with emotions and frustrations and sadness that I didnt expect to experience this long after having a kid.
I just want it to get easier.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Toddler Love.. or Lack Thereof

Ever since Dominic was old enough to realize that someone left the room/house he has gotten really upset about it. Mostly this happens when Dey leaves. I think the reasoning is he felt like he wasnt coming back and since I was always around he didnt care as much when I left. I thought maybe when I went back to work he would get upset about me leaving and cry (yes I wanted my kid to cry over me, is that too much to ask?!) but this has not happened.
When I get home from work he barely comes near me if Dey is around and when Dey leaves he follows him down the hallway and stands are the door sobbing uncontrollably. This has caused me to get really sad and cry because my son doesnt want to spend time with me. I am chopped liver to him when Deys around, even if I leave him with the girls upstairs for a moment and I go to take him back he runs into Shellys arms and would rather stay with her.
My heart breaks every time he doesnt want to come near me and would rather be with someone else.
I have figured out why this is, at least I think I have... Because this weekend was the long weekend I was able to get up and be with Dominic all day and he cuddled with me most of the Dey, this too brought tears to my eyes, and he still wanted Dey but he also wanted me!! I think he gets mad that I'm not around all day and so he in a way punishes me for it.
I just hate that he doesnt seem to like me as much and Im his mom. All day I miss him and wish I were home with him and it sucks and hurts that he could care less when Im around.
Ive been pretty emotional lately and this doesnt help matters.
 I wish my baby would just be my baby and want to spend time with me.

Wednesday, March 18, 2015

Baby No. 2

Ok... let me just say this is not an announcement. I am not pregnant, however baby no. 2 has been on my mind a lot lately. I spent a lot of the start of last year saying to myself "I'm not having anymore kids. One is enough!" then as a few months went by I decided that if I were to have another kid and it was a girl I would definitely be done! I stood by that for about a month maybe two then I was on the baby wagon or train and I wanted a baby badly. Now don't get me wrong I love Dominic and am very much attached to him but I really wanted another itty bitty baby around. I have jumped on and off of the train or wagon telling myself Dominic needs a sibling to play with then quickly whistling a different tune and saying that I am perfectly fine with one kid because Dominic is so perfect and amazing I cant imagine having another little person around. I have always said that I would never have an only child family, but the idea of it makes me think its ok. I think maybe I can wait a while before having another kid but I think about the fact that I am closer to my thirties than I am mid twenties and I don't have a lot of time to have more kids that would be optimal baby having years. I also think of my boss who is having her 6th baby and is in her 40's. Power to her for being able to do that because I don't think I could do it at that age. I want more kids I really do but I think I'm scared of not having the time or energy to spend with Dominic. I cannot express how much I love him or how much I miss him all day long, even when hes in bed I miss him. I have this irrational fear that I wont love another child as much as I love Dominic. I know this is crazy and not the case but I just cant shake this feeling that no other baby will be as good as Dominic. Im not sure if I am the only one out there who thinks this way but if I am please don't judge me.
I think about how Dominic is with me and other kids now and he tends to get a bit jealous, throw another kid into the mix who I need to tend to 24/7 and I'm sure that Dominic will be a hot mess. What if I don't have time for him? What if he doesn't like me anymore for it? What if he feels like he doesn't need me and stops cuddling with me? I cannot help but think about this all the time. Also if we were to have another kid Dominic will be around 2, give or take a few months, when we have it and I'm sure Dominic will be a crazier toddler than he is now. How will I cope with a terrible two year old and a new born???
I just cant help but think about these things, and I know I have probably talked about this before but when you start to think about when you are going to try for another you start to wonder what life will be like.
This is my life lately, it actually is stressing me out. I guess if the time is right and the lord thinks its a good time and that it should happen then it will happen. We said before that when we got married if we got pregnant then good and if not then ok... it only took one time and BAM Dominic was born (given the appropriate amount of gestation) and we know that he was meant to be and we are so happy about that. Life has not been the same since and if we have another kid then I know it will be another wonderful journey.

Tuesday, March 17, 2015


Ok... So I havent exactly found the time to blog about the birthday that happened 2 months ago. But let me tell you, the fact that I have a 1 year old is quite shocking to me. The fact I have a child at all blows my mind!!! But alas I am a mom and I have been loving it everyday... even when he wakes me up at night.. well I may not love it as much in that moment but I do still love it!!! Dominic is a character and has such a personality and a naughty side... For example, he spits at you when you tell him No or Dont touch or stop that. Not quite sure where that came from or how he learned to do that but he does. Its funny but we fight really hard not to laugh at him. 

So the night of the 23rd when Dominic was going to bed I told him a bed time story, once that did not come from a book, but it was the story of his birth. A girl I work with tells her kids every year on their birthday the story of their birth and I think its a great way for you to remember what happened as well a great bonding moment to relive that time with your child. 

On the 24th I got up and ran around picking up decorations (I didnt have the time during the week because Im at work and I dont have the car in the evenings) and getting set up for the party that afternoon. I was so happy that Dominics birthday fell on a Saturday because I got to be there and we got to have a party on his actually day. I was worried that people wouldnt show up, and when they got there I was worried that we didnt know what to do, but eventually everything just kind of flowed and people talked and the kids played and it was just great! Our basement isnt the biggest but we have the perfect amount of people there to fill it up and to celebrate with. 
Dominic was a little needy and going through a fussy period so he was super attached to me but I did my best to make him go and socialize like a good baby. 

I made him put on a hat and he has never been a hat fan so Im not surprised that he hated this one... I took a picture and laughed at him before taking it off. Mom of the year award?! I think so!!

Messy Cake Face

He literally just picked up the cake in the smallest of pieces and ate it... He didnt eat a lot and it was quite disappointing when he didnt just dive into the cake like I had hoped. I avoided giving him sweets all year so that way at this moment he would go crazy... not so much. Somedays, like this one, I dont think hes my kid at all!!

At the end of the day it was fun and great to spend time with friends and celebrate the birth of this little monster. Its crazy to think that he isnt a "baby" anymore but is now officially a toddler. Im not so sure how I feel about it, but really what can ya do!? And for all of you out there wondering when I am going to cut his hair *cough cough* mom *cough cough* I will do it when I am ready. He has the sweetest little curls in the back and Im scared they will never come back if I cut them, so one day it will happen, I promise! 

Monday, February 9, 2015

Back to Work

On January 16th, 2015 I did the hardest thing I have had to do in a really long time. I had to go back to work. When I left last December I signed an agreement that I would go back for a minimum of 6 months or else I would have to pay back what they paid me. When I signed it I looked at the paperwork and said to myself "oh yeah i'll definitely want to go back to work" Little did I know I would love being a mom so much more than anything else I've ever done. About 3 months into my maternity leave the countdown began as I was already dreading going back to work.
Well the year came and went and so I was headed back to work. I cried the night before when I was putting Dominic into bed as I knew in the morning I wouldn't be able to spend the entire day with him anymore. For the first time in a year I actually took the time to get ready and look decent. This in turn made me feel better about myself and I have been doing it everyday.
So that first day when I got dropped off I went to the backseat and said goodbye to Dominic and the tears started to pour. I collected myself enough to get into the building and make it to the elevator. Well, then I saw Eva and she asked me how I was doing and the tears started again. So many people would ask me how I was doing and again my tears would start. Needless to say that Friday was spent holding back the tears and walking around talking to people because my desk and such wasn't set up yet. Thankfully it was a Friday and an easy day.
I have been back for a little over 3 weeks now and honestly it is not any easier. There are still most nights where I put Dominic down and I cry because I miss him terribly. I want to spend all day with him again, but I don't get to do that. I am working Monday-Friday 830-5 so I see Dominic for about 30 mins in the morning and then in the evening I get home close to 6 and he goes to bed around 730/8 which means I only see him for about 2.5 hours out of the day. This is not easy for me. I am doing fine at work and have gotten back into the groove of things, but it is nothing like I want my days to be like. I have actually had to ask for more work to do because there isn't enough for me, but there are some changes happening and I am getting more responsibility with things so my days will start getting busier so the 6 months can fly by.
I have never looked forward so much to weekends, and have never hated them so much when they are over. I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to work anymore and can stay at home with my baby.

Bill Frank

Bill Frank was the man at church who I never used to like. When he was new to our ward he was called into the young mens presidency and somehow I ended up in the garbage can. From that point on that story was brought up almost every time we saw each other. 
I remember going to his house and eating his 4 course meals, and this one time he had turnips in his mashed potatoes and I couldn’t understand why I hated the potatoes so much until after I ate them all and that was when they told me. I would also eat his peppermint patties that he had in his pantry and also his Lays BBQ chips. I remember that he always had pepsi in his pantry but my parents would never let me have one so I would have a rootbeer instead. 
There were many times that we would be at their house just to hang out. We would play crib together or just visit. We even watched the 2002 Mens Olympics Gold Medal Hockey game at his house. There was another time that he had a Christmas party and paid me 20$ to help taking peoples jackets.  There were many YM/YW mutual activities at his house that involved cooking, or firesides. 
I remember going to his house and seeing the copious amounts of pictures on his fridge and then I noticed I made it up on the fridge. Oh my that picture was horrible! I legit looked like a lion in a baby blue gap hoodie. But it felt nice knowing that he loved me enough to have me on the fridge with the rest of his family and close friends. 
I remember spending many Sundays sitting with him at church and eating his candy that he brought with him. He was a gentle man, although it took me a while to see that. He always said what was on his mind and didn’t care who he offended by saying it and justified himself because he was an old man. He always commented on how good a girl looked and called her a fox. He would always ask me if I was dating anyone yet and I would say no. 
When Dey and I got engaged and dropped the bombshell that we would not be getting married in the temple right away he heard the news from my mom and sent me an extremely long email and proceeded to say he wasn’t judging me but… and I was hurt and offended. I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive him for the words he said to me. I know it was out of love and concern for me but it just came at a time where things were already bad and it made it worse so I didn’t care what he had to say. 
When I came home I wasn’t really ready to see him just yet, but I knew that it would happen. I saw him first when we went to the ward Christmas party and it was hard for me not to just ignore him. He came up to me and I could feel the anger that had been there for so long creeping up and he gave me a hug, and I reluctantly hugged him back. But even though I was mad at him still, his hug was warm and familiar. He played with Dominic and he loved Bill just as Bill loved him, and I joked around with him as if nothing had ever happened, but still not completely over the email thing. 
When I went through the Temple for the first time and he found out he was a little hurt that we didn’t let him know because he said that he would have been there for me. I didn’t care really because I didn’t really want him there. Then when we got the go ahead to get sealed my mom asked me if we should invite Bill and Ellen, and I said I guess we could but I didn’t want to call him, so mom sent an email. Now since it was last minute I wasn’t going to be upset if he didn’t make it. I still wasn’t feeling all the love towards him. But he did show up and when he hugged me afterwards he had tears in his eyes and he said is usual “You know I love ya girl” and I knew in that moment I was so grateful for him being there for it. He made that day so much more special but I didn’t know just how much until he passed away. 
I wanted to go visit the franks before I left to come back to Calgary but I didn’t get a chance to. And I didn’t get to say goodbye to him in person because church that week had been cancelled. But Bill gave me a call the day before I left to say goodbye and that he loved me and wished me all the best and hoped that we enjoyed ourselves while being home. He could never just say it simply, he always sounded like a hallmark card to me when giving someone well wishes. It was just so Bill Frank and I loved it. 
The day after I got back to Calgary was the Sunday everyone who knew Bill Frank lives changed. It was the biggest shock to me. I don’t know how it could have happened and I don’t think I will ever understand why it happened. I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that he passed away. I think I’ve cried more over him than I did my own grandfather, mostly because I knew my grandfather would pass sooner rather than later because he was so sick and was never getting out of the hospital. 
I think, looking back on it, the lord made it possible for us to get sealed and allowed me to soften my heart and have Bill and Ellen at the sealing mostly because he knew Bill wouldn’t be around much longer and it made him happy to see me there because hes only ever wanted the best for me. I still haven’t read the email he sent me, but I will one day when I have the strength to do it. I am so happy he was there and that I got to see him and hug him one last time. 
The crazy thing is that since hes passed away I’ve dreamt of him twice. One time we were just in the same place at the same time but he wasn’t able to speak to me. The next time hit me really hard. I dreamt that I was home at church and there were some choirs singing and someones dog pooped on the stage, not sure why there was a dog there but there was. Then my mom had to sing and she was deserting me and I was so upset that I didn’t have someone to sit with. Then I saw Heather Bruce sitting there waving me over to sit with her. When I got there she was sitting with Ellen and my dad. My dad moved over so I could sit between him and Ellen. As I sat down and looked at my dad I saw that Bill was sitting next to him and that he was smiling at me. I told everyone he was there and they all said he wasn’t and that he was gone, but I kept fighting them to tell them he was there. Then I woke up balling my eyes out. It was hard on me for the rest of the day. 
I loved Bill Frank, even though he wasn’t always my favorite person, he was an amazing loving man who meant more to me than just the man at church with the big voice who couldn’t whisper and said what was on his mind. Bill Frank to me was family. Hes like the crazy uncle people are sometimes embarrassed by but love more than anything in the world. I feel so blessed to have had him in my life and to have had him at my sealing. I know that if we didn’t invite him I would feel horrible about myself and wished that I had forgiven him in my heart for the words he had once said to me. 
Bill, you know I love ya!

Nova Scotia pt.3

While being at home really didn't snow at all. There were a few flurries but never any real snow. And then all of a sudden the snow came and it stayed, for a little bit. But it made things look so beautiful!

Dey loves sea food and there was no way he was visiting NS without going to get some good ol fashioned seas food. We went to Warf Wraps down on the boardwalk and it is honestly one of the best places. We all got food, obviously mine had nothing to do with sea food, and it was so delicious. Dey loved it and hadn't seen a fish and chip platter have a fish that big. Dominic even loved the fries... which really isn't saying much because he loves any food that you give him off your plate pretty much... yes hes a dog I think.

Dominic loves snooping around the house and ended up in my moms room for a good 20 minutes or more playing with her drawers. He is also wearing his leggings and mocs from TeePeeTots&Co that he got for Christmas. Honestly they are so cute and a good price. I want to get more, especially because they make shorts too and I think that Dominic will look amazingly cute in them this summer.

So Dey left and we miss him like crazy but we are finding things to do for our last week here, which is so surreal to think that I am on my last week being at home. Dey left without his favourite hat because he lost it. We honestly looked every where, and called a bunch of places to see if it was left there but we had no luck. Then Josh and Lyla came by and mom mentioned it Josh only for him to say he hid it and pulled it out from behind a couch pillow. Honestly what a sense of relief because Dey was so super sad about not having his hat and I didn't want him to not have his favorite hat. So to tell Dey we had it we put it on Dominic and took a picture to send to him.

Of course because Lyla and Josh were here and it was going to be our last day together I had to get another picture. I hate that we live so far away from family, especially the cutest girl I know. I wish AB and NS were a short drive away instead of a 5 hour plane ride that cost 600 +. I miss family.

This girl has my heart and has since the day she was born. Shes the best 6 year old I know, and is super funny and smart and has the cutest voice and I could just be with her forever.

This was the first time she really held him herself and it took some pressuring for her do so. She was a little jealous of him being around and so it was hard for her to really want to socialize with him. But this picture to me is just the cutest.

I wanted to get a picture of Josh and Dominic together and Lyla wanted to get in on it, and it breaks my heart a little every time I see it because we aren't closer to them and Josh loved playing and hanging out with Dominic, and it makes me happy to know I have a loving family.

When I was planning on coming home I decided that it would be a good idea to bring our swimming gear because I want Dominic to be a lover of the water like I am, so finally on our last week being there we went swimming... the water was super warm which is great because the kiddie pools here aren't that warm. The issue we had was that we forgot the towels, and by we I mean me. I forgot the towels and had to use my sweater to dry us of. luckily it wasn't that cold out so we didn't freeze.

We spent a day in our pjs and snuggled after being up until 1am after watching the bachelor. It was so great spending time with the girls, and having the company I don't get to enjoy being out here in Calgary. It was also super nice having the day to just spend all curled up together.

He wanted to get into the empty diaper box, and it was so funny because he spent a good while just sitting in it, and when he wanted out he would lean far enough over that he would just plop out of it.+

Being home at the same time as friends with babies are means baby cuddles and holding onto an almost 1 year old because you can. I love Sophia and it makes me want another baby really bad.

Of course coming up to the end of our trip means getting in as much papa cuddles in as much as we possibly can because who knows the next time we will get to go home and visit him. And they are the best of friends so they need to spend a lot of time together.

We made it to the airport and there were a lot of tears shed by all, minus Dominic. I honestly hate saying goodbye and hate that we live so far away from my parents. They love Dominic so much and want to spend so much time with him and being so far away is so hard for all. I miss them terribly and hate that the computer is the only way we ccan see each other, but it makes me thankful for modern day technology that allows me to do that.

Overall our trip was AMAZING and I want to go back asap! Dominic did so well on the plane ride home, he slept through take off and landing, but pooped 3 times during the flight... not so much fun!
I love my family, and I love my home, and I hope I get to go there again and maybe move there one day.

Monday, January 26, 2015

Nova Scotia pt 2

So Christmas came around and of course because it is tradition we went to the nativity pageant and it felt as if I had never left home. I just love being home and I love our small nativity. To me that is Christmas.

Josh said that he was getting bored and needed things to do to entertain Lyla over the holidays and so I told him he could come with me and Dey to Peggy's Cove, and he did. He and Lyla ran all around while Dey and I kept it a little more low key as it was freezing and poor Dominic didn't like the cold.

We had to get family shots in with the lighthouse in the background. Its the most attractive angle but whatever.

Christmas eve came and I had adapted to the Pyjama Fairy tradition a few years back and so on Christmas eve we open our pjs. This year was Dominics first Christmas and it was really his first time having presents to open. He wasn't quite sure what to do and was more interested in the paper, but I was just so excited that he was home in NS with my family and getting to experience his first big holiday with them.

Of course we all got pjs and had to get a picture by the tree. We didn't do a picture last year by the tree mostly because we were alone and there was no one else to take a picture for us, and because I felt like I looked like a house I was so big and swollen from being pregnant.

I was so excited for Christmas morning so we could see Dominics reaction to things. But first we went to Joshs because he had to get Lyla back to Julias so we wanted to open gifts with her. When we got there she was so sick and throwing up in between opening gifts but then was ready to open another gift right away. We had breakfast there as well. It was a good morning spent with the cutest 6 year old I know.

Dominic did really well at not touching the tree the whole time it was up. I made sure that my parents decorated when he was asleep so he wouldn't see us touching it and therefore he wouldn't really notice it being there. He touched it maybe twice on Christmas Day and that was it. I took some more pictures of him opening his gifts. Again he wasn't super excited about the gifts part but he did have a couple he wanted to play with the moment they were unwrapped.

His stocking was something he was unsure of, so he looked at it then of course, we opened it for him.

He loved it when grandma would read to him, and Im pretty sure we have a picture of mom and Lyla in the same chair and shirt on her first Christmas. Honestly, being near my parents was the best thing I have ever done.

While being at home I went through a bunch of my old pictures and none of them looked like Dominic, but I did think I had some keepers in there. I cannot believe how blonde and young and tiny I was.

On boxing day we went bowling, and it was the first time Dey and I had gone bowling together, and I bowled really bad the first game, which is typical, but my second game was great for me! I was shocked I did so well. It was fun hanging with my parents and doing this as they are on a bowling league and do this on a weekly basis.

So on the sunday before Christmas we got a text message from Shelley who lives upstairs that our letters came and so we had her fedex them to us and we talked to a member of a the stake presidency and asked him what he think would be ok for us to do and then my dad called the temple president and then he made a couple calls and we got the approval to be sealed while being at home. Saturday December 27th we became an eternal family. It was so great. Joanne Chatham watched Dominic until he needed to be brought in. Laura, Jeremy, the Franks, Heather Bruce, my parents, uncle Paul, and my Nanny were there. Dominic was so sweet in his white outfit and so calm and sweet. Honestly, Dey and I could not be more happy to see him in there with us and his sweet spirit just added to the experience. Honestly seeing him and feeling the way we did when he came in made everything well worth it and made me so much more happy that we went the route we did.

I love my little family. And I cannot wait for the next big chapter in our lives, whatever it may be.

After the temple we went home, got dressed and then headed out playing tourist again. This time one of the stops included my grampies grave. It was hard to keep my emotions in check because it didn't really hit me that he was gone until I saw it. He always loved peppermints so instead of fake flowers I brought him those because I know he would much rather that than flowers. I miss that man, and miss him everyday, and wish I could have said goodbye to him one last time.

We went to Lawrence Town beach and it was beautiful. Cold, but beautiful. I love the ocean and I wish we lived closer to it. It always made me wish we were home in the summer time because then we could go in the water and not overly freeze.

On the 28th we got to bless Dominic. We were waiting to bless him until we had family to assist in it, and we did. Josh, my dad, the bishop, Dey and uncle Paul all assisted. This trip was amazing, we did so much for our family while we were there. I was so happy.

Laura and Jeremy, and of course Little Sophia were there and we were super happy to have a few more friendly faces to enjoy in our happy days together.

Dey, Dad, Dominic and I took the ferry over to downtown Halifax and walked around a bit and again it makes me miss being there so much more. I miss my family and I miss my home.

Going through old things I came across all of my old girls camp awards, and this one by far is better and more funny than the rest. We gave each other nicknames and for some reason I got stuck with pubert and it made me think of puberty and so that's the award I got.

Josh gave Dominic new pjs and he got them because they say "I dig staying up" which is fitting for Dominic because hes up a lot throughout the night. I think they are just too cute, and they make him look so grown up.

Dey went to the Primerica office in Halifax and said he wouldn't take long, so here were sitting in the cold car trying to pass time and took a few pictures. I just love my little boy and I love being at home with him. Hes just the cutest.