Thursday, October 29, 2015

The Feelings Of Loss

Almost 2 years ago I was blessed by having my dream come true and became a mom. This is something I have always wanted and have waited so long for. I have found my calling in life. With being a mom I have always known that I wanted a big family and don't want to have an only child. So with that being said Dey and I have talked about when would be a good time to make an addition to the family and give Dominic a sibling. Because I was on contract with work I knew I needed to work for a minimum of 6 months before I could leave for mat leave again. So we figured out timelines and decided that if I went back to work freshly pregnant or got pregnant shortly thereafter it would be great. December of 2014 we decided we would start trying. Months passed and still no plus sign when tests were taken. Then in spring I was told about my teeth problems and about the copious amounts of dental work in my near future. So we had to put plan baby #2 on hold. I think The Lord had a hand in me not getting pregnant during those previous months because I wouldn't be able to be pregnant and be sedated and have this work done. Once my wisdom teeth came out we knew the plan was back on. Now I don't know my body as well as others and I'm not on the "normal" side of things so many ovulation tests were bought and when the smiley face showed up we were happy to know that my body was doing it's part just later than others. 
Friday before thanksgiving I had some light spotting but this for me is normal when my period is about to come so I figured that things just didn't happen that month. By Monday things weren't happening so just to shut my mind I took a test. I noticed more spotting and thought "great I just wasted a pregnancy test" so after all was said and done I looked at my wasted test and lo and behold there were 2 lines! I was so excited that my plans on surprising Dey turned into me walking into the room while he was changing Dominic's diaper waiving the test around saying look!! A few more tests were done that week to be sure and that Friday I confirmed with my doctor. I mentioned that I had been spotting almost everyday and she decided blood work every 2 days for 6 days (so 3 total) would be good to track my HCG levels. I hate needles so I was clearly overjoyed. On the Wednesday I went in for my first set of blood work with the second and third set to be on the Friday and then Sunday. 
Friday I had to go into work early so I could leave early for my blood work so I went to bed at a decent hour on Thursday night. I had some minor cramping and thought nothing of it. At about 3 am I woke up in a lot of pain. To me I was hoping it was just gas or something of that nature so I just let it go. The pain subsided a small amount and so I was at work. While at work I was keeled over because that was the only way I could get any sort of relief. I finally message Dey at 11:30 telling him to come get me. I left around noon and we headed home. After some debating, with myself, I decided we should go to my doctor as a walk in and see what they had to say. They listened to what I was saying and sent me for an emergency ultrasound in Airdrie (only place available) and we left right away because the appointment was for 2 and it was now shortly after 1. 
While at the clinic I had 2 types of ultrasound done, external and internal. They saw something measuring around 6cms just outside my left ovary where all my pain was coming from and they couldn't see anything in the uterus. The doctor came in and told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital so away we went. 
We got to the hospital and spent many hours talking with nurses and doctors, getting exams and blood work done. They put an IV in just in case they needed more than the 8 vials they already took. Dominic was the hit with the nurses which warranted him getting and EMT stuffed moose. 
After talking with the OB he was fairly certain it was an ectopic pregnancy and we had 3 options. 
1. Get blood work every 2 days and then get an ultrasound at the end of the week and go from there. But this means I couldn't be left alone for fear my Fallopian tube could burst. 
2. Give me the shot that would terminate the pregnancy naturally. The doctor crossed this out because he doesn't like to do it when they can't 100% say it is tubal. Because I have an extra long cycle the dates could be off and they could just not see anything in the uterus and what they were seeing next to my ovary might be normal or nothing at all. So if they did this option then there would be no way in knowing if it was actually a viable pregnancy or not. 
3. Have laparoscopic surgery, they look around and see if they can see the fetus and remove it or if they see nothing get out and go back to option 1 but if they do see it they would remove it and try their best to not harm the tube but more often than not the tube has to go as well which would mean only ovulating every second month instead of every month. 
So here I am faced with this decision, terrified about what's happening. Knowing that things are not good. I should also mention that the week before I got a blessing and although it didn't mention anything about the viability of my pregnancy I knew the moment it started that this pregnancy wouldn't last. Even though I knew in my heart it didn't keep me from being sad and scared. 
Dey and I decided to go with option 1 and go from there. The silver lining was that I would have the week off work. 
I went home so heart broken and terrified knowing what could happen. Best case scenario everything would be fine but that was slim to none. Next best thing was that I would miscarry. 
So Sunday I had more blood work done and on Monday I had an appointment with my doctor who said my HCG levels dropped drastically and that I would be miscarrying. That same afternoon I got an email from a midwifery clinic saying they had a spot open for me and I also started to pass some tissue. Monday was not a good day. No day has been a good day really. I had more blood work on Tuesday and again today. I also had another ultrasound today, both internal and external. They still see something outside my ovary but smaller than before and no blood flow around it. Also my uterus is not thick and there is no fluid left. All and all today I was told the obvious but it was still hard to hear that want you wanted so desperately is not going to happen for a while. But it looks like I've miscarried out of the tube so no surgery, for now. They're letting my doctor decide about what's left by my ovary. 
My heart has been heavy and sad. I have been upset, frustrated and angry at the world. I want to go back in time and not go through this. I want to stay on my couch and not move. I want to never go to work again. I just hate that this has happened. Everyday it seems like 5 more people are announcing their births of their babies or that they are expecting. 
I also found out that by having a c section it increases your odds of having an ectopic pregnancy. Thanks doctors for that one. 
I know that I will one day have more kids and I know that there are people out there who have had it worse than I have but for me this has been harder than I could have imagined. The feeling of loss is a different kind than I have experienced before. The feeling of loss is something I never want to feel again and would never wish on anyone. The feeling of loss is something I won't be able to get over for what seems like the rest of my life.
One day I had a baby growing inside and then I didn't anymore. 

No comments: