Tuesday, April 14, 2015

When Does It Get Easier?

I was told that going back to work was a good thing and that I would enjoy the adult interaction. I was also told that it would be hard at first but would get easier and I would get used to it.
I have been back to work now for 3 months and although it is nice to talk to some people, I do not find it easier, I do not really enjoy it and I still find myself crying about it. I just dont understand how people have it so easy and love going back to work. Am I too attached to my child?!
I wake up every morning thinking "if only I didnt have to get out of bed" proceeded by "is it friday yet!?". Dont get me wrong I have a great job and work with some great people, but I never looked forward to the weekend more than I do now and have never hated Sundays as much either. I keep waiting for this feeling to go away and its just not. I feel like im missing so much of my childs life and development. The fact that he doesnt like coming around me as much also makes it harder. Yesterday he saw the girl upstairs and Dey had left and he squirmed to get out of my arms and walked to her and wouldnt let me take him back. If you ever wonder how a toddler can break your heart, this is it.
Everyone says, just get pregnant again and then you can take off another year... well its not the easy, believe me, plus then when I go back to work it will be even harder because I will have 2 kids to leave behind and Dey wont be able to watch 2 at the same time and still get work done so we would have to pay for daycare. Honestly, I am just so overwhelmed with emotions and frustrations and sadness that I didnt expect to experience this long after having a kid.
I just want it to get easier.

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Toddler Love.. or Lack Thereof

Ever since Dominic was old enough to realize that someone left the room/house he has gotten really upset about it. Mostly this happens when Dey leaves. I think the reasoning is he felt like he wasnt coming back and since I was always around he didnt care as much when I left. I thought maybe when I went back to work he would get upset about me leaving and cry (yes I wanted my kid to cry over me, is that too much to ask?!) but this has not happened.
When I get home from work he barely comes near me if Dey is around and when Dey leaves he follows him down the hallway and stands are the door sobbing uncontrollably. This has caused me to get really sad and cry because my son doesnt want to spend time with me. I am chopped liver to him when Deys around, even if I leave him with the girls upstairs for a moment and I go to take him back he runs into Shellys arms and would rather stay with her.
My heart breaks every time he doesnt want to come near me and would rather be with someone else.
I have figured out why this is, at least I think I have... Because this weekend was the long weekend I was able to get up and be with Dominic all day and he cuddled with me most of the Dey, this too brought tears to my eyes, and he still wanted Dey but he also wanted me!! I think he gets mad that I'm not around all day and so he in a way punishes me for it.
I just hate that he doesnt seem to like me as much and Im his mom. All day I miss him and wish I were home with him and it sucks and hurts that he could care less when Im around.
Ive been pretty emotional lately and this doesnt help matters.
 I wish my baby would just be my baby and want to spend time with me.