Wednesday, April 30, 2014

The Hardest Thing...

When you find out you're pregnant you start to worry about things like, will my baby be cute? healthy? or born with everything???
Once they come into this world we start to worry about other things like, will they still be healthy? strong? develop properly? will they stay cute?
You also think about the things you never want to see happen to your child. You never want them to make the same mistakes you did, or get hurt both emotionally and physically. There are tons of other things that you think/worry about when you're a parent as well, but there's too many things to list.

A few weeks ago I was putting Dominic's soother on him with the clip and I some how pinched his skin and the cry he let out was so sad. I cried and felt like a horrible mom.
Then on April 12th he got his 2 month shots and honestly the cry he let out was even worse and I couldn't watch as he got the needles. I hid my face in his blanket and cried because I was doing something, inadvertently, to my baby that was causing him pain and it was so sad.
I have had a few dreams in the past couple of months where I have dropped Dominic and although he fell far he didn't really cry in my dream but I also didn't know what to do either and I was told by everyone in my dream to just let him be because he was fine. I always woke up feeling like a horrible person for letting him just lay there even if it was a dream.

Some days when we are home during the day and Dominic takes his naps, I wrap him up in his blanket and set him beside me on the couch and let him sleep. Today, like many others, I did just that. He is a squirmer and likes to kick and move himself, and he must have done that in his sleep and moved himself closer to the edge of the couch because when he was waking up he stretched/squirmed and rolled right off the couch onto the floor. I was sitting right there and I didn't see him until he hit the floor. He immediately let out this terrible cry and I rushed to him. Luckily my couch isn't far off the ground and he landed on his back and not his face.
I picked him up while he and I cried together and I rocked him and held him tight. I knew he needed a diaper change and needed to be fed, and as the bottle warmed I went to change him and called Dey. By this point his crying had subsided (it had been about 5 minutes total of him crying) and I put him down and he always loves getting his diaper changed and he smiled at me. Although he was smiling I moved everything I could to be sure that he didn't have anything that was hurting because if he did then I would have taken him to the hospital. He seemed fine and he didn't look "out of it" like people do when they have a concussion. Dey assured me that he was ok and as did my mom later on and she also told me "he's not the first baby to fall off the couch"

I look at this face and all I can think is how much I love him and how bad I feel for what happened.
I don't know how it happened, but all I know is I  NEVER want him out of my sight. This baby is my world and I couldn't live with myself if something were to happen to him. I feel horrible that he got hurt today when I was sitting right there. I know it as an accident but I cant help but feel as if I am to blame and that I am a horrible mom for letting this happen.
He has been extra fussy today because he hasn't slept as much and because I'm sure the falling didn't help matters. I just hope that this fall doesn't cause any long term damage down the road because I will blame myself for it.
This child has been more than a dream come true for both myself and Dey and I will do everything in my power to make sure he doesn't get hurt.

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