I have always had an over active imagination. I have always made up stories and lived them out in my mind. Some stories more elaborate than others. I think this is why I have had so many nightmares throughout my life, because my mind is always thinking of things. I was hoping once I grew up the nightmares would stop or be less common but that's not the case with me.
I have had reoccurring dreams as well, and some with titles. If anyone were to ask what was my most memorable dream from my childhood I would have to say it wasn't a dream but a nightmare and it was called (yes it had a title) JEREMY THE PRICKLE MONSTER!!!
I dreamt that my family and I were on a trip to the Schubie Wild Life Park back home in NS and for some reason it shared a fence with a cemetery. As we walked through an information booth about the animals we were about to see we noticed that Jeremy was missing and quickly ran out of the booth searching for him. We saw that Jeremy was in the cemetery and for some reason all of the old school wooden coffins were above ground and not buried. Jeremy was punched holes into the coffins and started eating the dead people and called for Josh to join him. As a loyal brother Josh did as Jeremy asked. Josh did not like the taste and immediately spat the dead people out of his mouth. Jeremy was unstoppable and turned into a zombie like creature and started throwing "prickles" at us (no idea what the prickles were but they hurt.) Everyone was in a panic and trying to run away and then I woke up. See what I mean about over active imagination???
Since Dominic was born I have had "nightmares" as I'm sure all woman have who are first time moms and I have worried about him everyday. He is my everything and I cannot imagine my life without him.
I have issues sleeping some nights because I will nap too long during the day, but lately I haven't been sleeping because we took Dominic to get his vaccinations last week and ever since then he wakes up crying in his sleep for the first 3 hours of the night after he goes down. I don't try to sleep during that time because if I do and am woken up by his crying then I will be up for the rest of the night because its like I had a power nap. This then turns into me sleeping for hours during the day and making it harder for me to sleep at night.
Last night we went swimming for the first time and by the time we got home and got settled and fed Dominic it was about midnight. Like every night this past week he woke up crying so I knew I wouldn't be able to sleep for a little while until I knew he was sound asleep. Once I realized it had been about an hour since he cried I knew I could go to sleep now.
They say it only takes minute to dream and that was the case for me. I fell asleep and had been asleep for about 10mins and I dreamt the worst dream, or nightmare, I have ever had. This nightmare did not last long and it had no scary monsters in it. It was a mothers nightmare come true. In my dream I woke up and Dominic was gone; taken from our room as we slept by some stranger. I woke up in tears and Dey held me as I cried. Dominic was fine and I could still see him in his cradle at the end of our bed. I decided right then and there that if when the time comes that he is too big for his cradle that he will not go into the other room but sleep in our bed until I feel comfortable with it.
He woke up crying about an hour later and I decided to bring him in bed with me where I had a movie playing on Netflix and I watched him sleep until about 630am when I finally fell asleep.
I love my son more than anything in this world. He is apart of me and I have been blessed with the job of being his mother and protector. I would give up my life for him if I needed to. I will love him for the rest of our lives on earth and into eternity.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
The Love of a Mother
I remember being a little girl running into my kitchen towards my mom and begging her to pick me up in her arms by saying "uppy uppy uppy" over and over again. I remember cuddling with her in church as she gently rocked me to sleep. I also remember when the last place I wanted to be was around her and feeling like things were unfair and that I wanted my life to be different.
12 weeks ago I was blessed to be a mother to a beautiful baby boy and I have been amazed by the overwhelming love I feel for him every second of every day. Because I have had a baby, my appreciation for my very own mother has grown leaps and bounds. I have appreciated my mother in the past but not to the extent that I do now.
My mom has made 2 trips out to see me and for the first time in what feels like forever I was overjoyed to have her around. I wanted to be that little girl again wanting my mother to hold me in her arms and rock me to sleep like she had many years before.
The first time my mom came out was a week after Dominic was born and I was still in major recovery mode and couldn't do a whole lot for myself. She didn't mind being in the house 24/7 and cleaning up and cooking for me. I felt like I was a sick child where the mother is there to watch over and protect their little one until they are ready to run and play again.
The next time my mom came out was in March and the recovery period had ended and things were a lot easier for me. Now this time she wasn't "needed" as much because I was able to do things for myself, but she still helped out when and where she could and I was so grateful to have her here.
I look at Dominic and I know that I would do anything for him because I have this undeniable love for him and it has been that way since the first time the nurse put him on my chest an hour after he was born.
I now know the love my mother has for me, even though at times I may not have deserved it, and I love her so much more for what she has done for me.
I hope one day I can be half the mother she is.
12 weeks ago I was blessed to be a mother to a beautiful baby boy and I have been amazed by the overwhelming love I feel for him every second of every day. Because I have had a baby, my appreciation for my very own mother has grown leaps and bounds. I have appreciated my mother in the past but not to the extent that I do now.
My mom has made 2 trips out to see me and for the first time in what feels like forever I was overjoyed to have her around. I wanted to be that little girl again wanting my mother to hold me in her arms and rock me to sleep like she had many years before.
The first time my mom came out was a week after Dominic was born and I was still in major recovery mode and couldn't do a whole lot for myself. She didn't mind being in the house 24/7 and cleaning up and cooking for me. I felt like I was a sick child where the mother is there to watch over and protect their little one until they are ready to run and play again.
The next time my mom came out was in March and the recovery period had ended and things were a lot easier for me. Now this time she wasn't "needed" as much because I was able to do things for myself, but she still helped out when and where she could and I was so grateful to have her here.
I look at Dominic and I know that I would do anything for him because I have this undeniable love for him and it has been that way since the first time the nurse put him on my chest an hour after he was born.
I now know the love my mother has for me, even though at times I may not have deserved it, and I love her so much more for what she has done for me.
I hope one day I can be half the mother she is.
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Quick Pregnancy + Labor & Delivery (Explicit Edition) and A Little Extra
Looking back on my last blog post things with me were going really well. I was happy and for the first time I was with someone who actually treated me well and valued me for who I am.
About a week after my 26 birthday I got engaged!! And then on June 10th I got married and I couldn't be happier about it.
Dey and I had discussed many times about when we would want kids when we discussed the future. Seeing that I was 26 and he was 32 we decided that we wouldn't take any "precautions" when it came to our future family and that if it happened it happened and if it didn't then it didn't. Well... it happened quite quickly and easily for us and very unexpected. I know we said that we would just see if it would happen but we never thought it would be so fast. We had heard many stories of other couples who have been trying for years and have had various difficulties. Also, when researching pregnancy, it is said that on average it takes about a year to get pregnant. Apparently we were not included in that average because wham bam thank you ma'am I was "with child" and depending on which doctor you talked to I was due either February 18th or 10th. Honestly their due date calculator/spin wheel is really ridiculous and I find stupid, but they're the doctors not me.
My entire life I wanted nothing more than to be a mom and have a kid. I also had said, and I quote, "even if I hate being pregnant I will love it because I get to have a kid"... HA HA! Boy was I whistling a different tune as the pregnancy went on.
For those of you who know me know that I despise getting sick. I will do anything to keep myself from throwing up and I have done quite well for myself and avoided it for years. Apparently when pregnant you do not get to avoid it. I was one of the "lucky ones" who didn't just suffer from nausea but got the lovely symptom of actual morning sickness. Which leads me to ask the question, as I'm sure many before me have, "why do they even call it morning sickness when it can occur at various times throughout the day?"
My pregnancy consisted of "morning" sickness for a good 4 months or so, extreme low iron, countless sleepless nights, my restless legs becoming worse than before, my tail bone killing me and making it hard to stand up from sitting down, extreme swelling in my feet/legs/hands, mood swings and crying at the drop of a hat for no real reason, not to mention the crazy hot flashes I would have countless times a day and sweat through the clothes I was wearing. I hated being pregnant. I was uncomfortable all the time and I just wanted to be done with the whole thing.
I was told countless times from my doctor that I was measuring too big and I was gaining too much weight. They have this average of how things should be when you're pregnant but they don't take into account that every person is different but that doesn't stop doctors from making you feel like you are the fattest person in the entire world.
Work for me started to become completely unbearable because I was so tired from the lack of the sleep and so sore from sitting all the time. I decided that because I was so uncomfortable and unprepared for having a baby I would take the first 2 weeks of January off and then start my maternity leave right after that. It's a good thing I left when I did because my baby decided to drop and had a mind of his own and decided to come early. I was willing to have him early because I was so sick and tired of being pregnant.
On Wednesday January 22nd at about 6pm I was eating dinner at my friend Melody's house from work and the entire time I was there I felt like I had really bad gas pain and I wasn't sure if I would it move upwards or downwards, but either way I was waiting, rather impatiently, to have it pass. Now I didn't want it to pass while at Melody's house so I "held" onto it for the longest time.
When I finally got home and the "gas" wouldn't pass I just decided to stay laying on the couch watching TV changing positions hoping that if I moved a certain way it would finally vacate my body. As I was on the couch, after hours of waiting, I realized I had to go to the bathroom. It was about 12am now and I had to pee. After going to the bathroom I still felt the gas pain and I had come to terms that this gas would just not pass through my system and I was doomed to spend the night more uncomfortable than normal. About 5 minutes after going to the bathroom I felt like I peed my pants. I have heard of some women who have peed their pants a little when pregnant. My first thought was "I lasted this long without having a leaky bladder even with my crazy intense sneezing but now I'm here peeing my pants... what will people think!?" Yes I worried about what people would think because I would tell them what I would do (I'm pretty much an open book.)
I got up off the couch and went to the bathroom to finish peeing and realized that this was not a normal pee I was having because there was some blood in the fluid. After some research I realized that this was common when your water breaks. I quickly went and got changed and went into Dey's office and told him that I was pretty sure that my water just broke. Dey looked at me and said "Are you joking?" my quick response was "I would never joke about this."
One thing I didn't know when your water breaks is that it doesn't just stop once the initial breaking happens; you pretty much are peeing your pants with every stride you take. I had a bit of a panic attack and decided I didn't want to go to the hospital just yet because I needed to calm down and prepare myself for what was about to happen so I stood in the shower for about 45 minutes while Dey got everything together to put into the car.
At about 1am we got to the hospital (I was wearing my Rocky Tshirt because I thought it was appropriate for the occasion) and they sent me off to triage.
When you go to triage, at least with me, they hooked me up to the contraction monitor and the fetal monitor as well. My contractions were pretty non existent and the fetal monitor looked in their words "perfect" and baby was doing amazing. They tested to see if my water had in fact broke and because there was blood in the fluid they wanted to monitor it. Since the nurse wasn't 100% if this was ok (there was more blood than they thought was "normal") she couldn't send me home because they needed to have the doctor look over it and decide. She sent me on a walk to see if I could get the contractions really starting and to pass the time while we waiting for the Doctor, who was home sleeping because he was on call.
After walking for about 2 hours, we had been at the hospital now for about 3 hours, we headed back upstairs and my contractions had started a bit. They weren't that bad still but at least I knew they had started some and wouldn't have to be induced.
While waiting for the Doctor to show up a lady came in and was 6cm's dilated and within 10mins the doctor showed up and was running to deliver her baby and she had her third child. No this is not a lie, it really was 10mins. Apparently she is famous for quick labors. I sat there and asked the nurse if I could have that as well and she just laughed and walked away as we were still waiting for my doctor to come in. Finally Dr. #1 showed up and said that everything was ok and that he didn't think I should be at the hospital and we could go home. He told us that we should be back by noon and that if things don't progress on their own they would have to step in and move things along or if things progress to come back then. So its about 5am and I am pretty upset about having to go home and pay for parking (13$) just to come back at some point.
We get home, after Dey took the wrong exit, and we climb into bed to try and get some sleep before things get too bad. Now I had been up for quite some time now because I wasn't able to sleep at night anymore so I was pretty exhausted already and was willing to welcome sleep if it chose to come and grace me with its presence. The moment I got into bed my eyes were not able to close because my contractions decided to start up. Now they weren't unbearable but they were pretty painful, and well I don't do pain very well. Dey was passed out and I was having to get up and move around because my contractions were coming every minute to minute and a half and lasting for about 25-45 seconds and I needed to do something to get my mind off of them. I didn't want to rush back to the hospital because 1. we just got home and 2. things weren't crazy bad yet. At about 630 I woke Dey up and told him I couldn't stay home anymore because I was hurting quite a bit. Dey got up and we headed back to the hospital. They got me back in triage and people were surprised to see me already and said they didn't think I would be back until noon. I told them that I was in pain and my contractions were happening and I didn't want to go back home. They hooked me back up to the monitors and they came in to check me out. The monitors were showing my contractions and that my baby was the picture of perfection. They wouldn't admit me yet because I wasn't in "active" labor, meaning that I hadn't dilated past 3cms yet. They asked me if I wanted anything for the pain and my birthing plan only really consisted of me not wanting an epidural unless I couldn't handle it anymore so I told them I didn't want anything yet. They said I had options and I didn't have to get the epidural if I didn't want it but they had the laughing gas or the morphine drip. The morphine consisted of an IV so that was not an option at that point. I hate needles and have a major phobia of them and this was reflected in my paperwork that I had to give to them when I came to the hospital. I asked about the gas mask and gladly accepted its ability to help take my mind off of the pain. I rather enjoyed the way it made me feel and I even started laughing at one point. I even named the mask Leroy Brown and sang the song to my mom as well. Now for those who have never had the gas mask while pregnant I think its a good idea. It doesn't take the pain away but it makes it more bearable for a while and takes your mind off of the pain. It also makes it seem like the pain doesn't last as long. At one point I wasn't sure if I was breathing the gas mask because I was having a contraction or if I just really liked the way it made me feel. The nurse suggested that I get on the exercise ball to help move things along and have Dey rub my back. This is what I did for quite a while.
So Dr. #2 came in with his resident and had to check me out to see how I was progressing and they finally said it was ok to admit me because I was about 3.5cms. They asked if I wanted a wheelchair to get to my room and I said yes partially because I like being pushed around and also because I knew that I wouldn't be able to walk and handle my contractions at the same time.
When I got into my room the nurse asked me if I wanted a shower and I said I would give it a try, so I got on all fours in the shower and had the hot water running on my back while eating ice chips. It felt nice and was comforting but it didn't do the best at relieving me of the pain so I didn't stay in there for that long. once I got out I got back on the exercise ball and was back to the laughing gas. I think because I was so tired, hungry, in pain and breathing a lot of the laughing gas I had to run to the bathroom to get sick. The nurse was impressed that I made it to the bathroom on time so she didn't have to clean up the mess. I realized at this point that the pain was starting to become too much for me so I opted to get the morphine drip. Now the drip doesn't take the pain away completely but it helps lessen the pain and make it easier to handle. So I got the IV and was back to sucking the gas and dealing with the pain but not having to deal with the intensity of it.
I had the drip/gas for hours and I decided that I couldn't do it anymore and I was going to cave and get the epidural. It's 4pm and they are trying to track down the anesthesiologist but there are back to back to back to back c sections so they are having a hard time getting him. I'm in my room and I have the mask on and the drip going and my contractions are not giving me a break. Literally one contraction would build and rise and start to come down but then another one started immediately. I am at this point yelling into my mask because the pain is hurting me. The anesthesiologist comes in and I am terrified of needles so I am breathing into this mask to calm my nerves has he has me bend over a pillow and he puts the catheter in my back. I felt a bit of a pinch and then it was done. When you're in that much pain you don't really feel the needle as bad. It still made me nervous getting it though because of the risk of getting it.
I am laying in bed and my left side starts to go numb but not my right side so the nurses move me on my side hoping that gravity will take affect and my right side follow suit and go numb, but what ended up happening is the feeling came back completely in my left side. Honestly I am now yelling into my mask, they are trying to get the anesthesiologist to come back as quick as possible and I am now crying for the first time. I was crying because of the pain and because I was the 5% (chance of an epidural not working) and needed another epidural. Finally when he came back in (around 5pm) he decided that he didn't get a good spot and had to remove the catheter and it got stuck in my back so he's pulling on it. He gets the catheter out and has to move it to some other place. Of course he does it just has I am having one of my more intense contractions and so I didn't notice it as much. Almost immediately my entire bottom half went numb! I was so happy!!! They had to relieve my bladder for me which was interesting because I could border line feel like I was peeing but not really.
Now because I had the epidural they had to hook me up to the monitors and have the blood pressure cuff on the entire time which made it hard to get any rest because every few minutes the cuff would inflate. Doctor #2 had finished his shift and wished me luck and went on his way and my, what seemed like, 1 millionth nurse came in and checked me out. I still had a few cm's to go until I was fully dilated.
At about 8pm the phone rang to our room and it was the front desk because Cortney showed up and we had her come in as my support person. So here was my best friend who drove down from Edmonton and was now seeing me in a whole new way... and by seeing me I mean she saw ALL OF ME! At that point I really didn't care if Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny came in, I would let them all see me. You really don't care anymore who sees you at this point. I don't think I will ever be "modest" with a doctor ever again.
My doctor came in after a bit and checked me out and I was pretty much completely dilated but one side of me was still a bit swollen so she wanted to wait for pushing until that had gone down.
At midnight (now 24 hours since my water broke) they said it was time to push. I could feel my contractions but the weren't overly painful but it was good because then I knew when to push.
Ok, so they have your legs up and tell you to push as if you are trying to poop. They tell you to put your head to your neck and to push and to hold your breath for 10 secs and then to take a deep breath and repeat 2 more times during the contraction. Now if your contraction lasts longer than that you do more reps. Here I was holding my breath and I would be counting in my head and be at 3 already and the nurse would just start counting. I wanted to slap her.
When you're pushing they like to put their fingers all up in there and tell you to try and push them out... I'm sorry but what part of that is supposed to make me want to continue to push? I felt somewhat violated. I also got sick twice from everything while pushing. Clearly my labor was going stupendously.
Remember how they say "push like you're having poop"?... Sometimes people poop and well... need I say more???
After 1.5 hours of pushing (it's now 1:30am Friday) the doctor came in and checked me out and then said she wanted a second opinion... This is never good. So the other lady came in and checked me out and apparently baby was stuck in my pelvis and my cervix swelled shut over his head.
This is when I cried for a second time. They gave me 2 options... 1. Give me oxytocin to see if they can start things up again and make me re-dilate or 2. C-section. The moment she said option 2 I was a mess. I asked what they thought was best and they said that C-section was best because it had already been 24 hours since my water broke and the risk of infection was higher than before. We asked for some time to decide what we wanted to do. When they say they're going to give you a minute that's pretty much all they give you... well the gave us about 3. When they came back into the room I asked them all my questions I had, while sobbing, and nothing they said made me more convinced that this was what I should do, but for the health of the baby I said ok. Saying Ok was not good enough, I actually had to say yes to having the C-section and had to sign paperwork to consent.
Immediately when they had me sign the paperwork I went into an anxiety/panic attack and couldn't stop breathing heavily and shaking uncontrollably. They also came in and shot me up full of freezing, which froze me from the chest down.
When they roll you to the OR they have to move you from 1 bed to another. Now I was not a "light" person and the people who were to lift me from the bed were all very petite girls with 1 guy. Yeah I didn't feel safe at all especially because it looks/feels like they are about to drop you off the edge of the bed.
Here I am laying on the operating table and I am having issues breathing because my nose is stuffed up from crying and my heavy breathing has made my mouth go dry and they tell me I am not allowed to have anything while on the table. The anesthesiologist was nice and bent the rules and gave me ice chips even though I wasn't supposed to have them at all.
Here I am shaking uncontrollably, having problems breathing, not mention I have a crazy migraine and the lights are quite bright over my head and then the nausea hits me. I thought I was going to get sick. The anesthesiologist, who was quickly becoming my BFF, pumped me full of something to take the nausea away and also something for my migraine. The one thing he wouldn't do was readjust the blood pressure cuff for me. Because I was shaking the cuff kept getting tighter and tighter and it was really painful. Every few minutes I told him to move the finger monitor thing to another finger because it was hurting me.
No because I was numb I couldn't feel anything when they were cutting me open but I could feel movement. They did say when they got inside that my hips didn't widen enough when I was pregnant and this is why he got stuck. Of course, it was my stupid body and the lack of hips that prevented him coming naturally.
At 2:20am they told me I had a baby boy! The first thing I said, with tears in my eyes, was "I have a baby!"... I said it quite loudly.
I could hear him crying and Dey went and saw him and brought him over to me to see. I told Dey to check if he had all his fingers and toes. He did.
When they weighed him they called out "11lbs 1oz"... I was like UHHHH SAY WHAT!? Then they realized something else was on the scale and removed it and it read 8lbs 5oz and he was 21"'s long. If he would have waited until the due date I'm sure he would have been about 11lbs.
I'm still laying there, anxiously waiting for them to finish sewing me up and I said "Are you done yet?" and everyone laughed. I did not find it that funny. I was being serious. I wanted to be out of there. I was ready to be in recovery.
When they were done sewing me up they moved me back to my original bed, the same way they did before and again I thought I was going to fall over. They wheeled me to recovery where they had to wait until the freezing went down pretty much completely and they let me hold Dominic for the first time and try to feed him. They also checked my battle scar as I like to call it and it was still bleeding and they made it seem like it was an issue so that kept me shaking for a while.
Oh, and the first time I saw Dominic in recovery, which was pretty much the first time I got to really see him, I legit said "He looks like an alien"... So loving I know.
The shaking finally started to subside and the freezing went down... it was now 4am and they wheeled me off to my semi private room.
Foothills doesn't let anyone stay the night. So Dads were allowed to come at 8am-11pm and your support people or grandparents were allowed to visit from 11am-8pm so Dey had to leave me there. Yeah I was not impressed about that.
The first thing I said to the nurse was "when can I eat!?" she said pretty much immediately and brought me an apple juice. She told me I wasn't allowed to chug the drink because it would most likely make me sick. I showed her, because the moment she was gone I downed that juice.
Because I was C-section they don't keep the baby in the room with you because you're not able to move around as easily to get them when they are crying, so they wheeled him off to the nursery.
The lady in my room also was a C-section and was really weird. The curtain that separated us would be open not even an inch and she would make the nurse come and close it. Her baby would also scream the moment she would pick him up which would wake me up all the time because the nurses didn't bring our babies in at the same time for feedings. Not Impressed.
So Jeremy and Kim came down from Edmonton and wanted to come see me but unless you were the support person, the father or one of the grandparents you weren't allowed in to see anyone.
Laura even tried to sneak in when Cortney left and she got caught and had to leave immediately.
They keep you for 48hours with a C-section and I was ready to leave immediately but because I was having issues breast feeding properly they wanted me to see a lactation consultant to help me out. I was emotional and really wanted to get home. I was also really sore and dirty so that just made matters worse.
Finally they were letting me go home, after my nurse forgot to tell me she was going on lunch and thought someone else would give me my discharge papers. I was able to leave at 6:30pm and the nurse wouldn't give the pain killers the doctor said I would leave with and the pharmacy was closed so I couldn't get my prescription. Yeah I was a little more than a little mad.
When we got home Jeremy and Kim came over and they brought us pizza hut. We also noticed when we got home that Cortney had filled our freezer with food and cleaned our bathroom and did our laundry as well.
Jeremy and Kim visited for a bit and then they had to leave and then Michelle quickly came by to see us.
The first night was pretty bad because I couldn't get into my bed and I didn't have pain meds to get me through. I had to sleep on the couch and was sitting up.
The next day we went out and got my prescription and when I got home the health nurse came by for her check up (they send them the day after you get discharged). She taught me a different way to hold him while feeding and it worked wonders. She had to check out my incision and the moment she looked at it I started to have an anxiety attack. For me this wasn't just a surgery it was very emotional. I can't really explain it but when you go into something expecting it to go a certain way and doing everything you should/could and in a way "fail" at it takes a lot out of you. It doesn't help that anything surgical takes its toll on me.
The week was slowly moving along and I was in a lot of pain and all I wanted was my mom. I never thought I would be the one to cry "mommy" but I did and I actually cried a lot about it.
That Friday I had my doctors appointment with Dominic to make sure he was doing well but beforehand I took him to RECA to see everyone. My aunt called Dey and said that she had a gift for us and we needed to pick it up after my appointment.
We headed to my aunts house and Dey went in to let her know we were there and they went to her car to get the gift out. It was a pretty big bag and all I could think as Dey loaded it in our trunk was that she got us a playpen and we already have one.
I asked him if she needed the bag back and he said no, and as he got into the car he "accidentally" honked the horn and all I thought was "smooth move".
I was looking over at Dominic and then when I looked up I saw my aunt walking out of her house and then I noticed that my mom was getting into the front seat of my car!!
I honestly jumped out of my car quicker than I thought possible at that time and quicker than I should have because of my incision. I hugged my mom and started sobbing.
I was so happy to have her here and we spent a week together and then she had to leave. I also sobbed when she left as well... and by sobbed I mean bawled my eyes out for days after.
Shes coming back in march and I cannot wait to see her again.
Looking back on everything I cannot believe that I have a baby of my very own.
Was it worth it?? Of Course! But if I could do a few things different (*cough cough* C-section *cough cough*) I would.
I love my little guy so much it's insane. I never though it was possible to be this in love. I am truly blessed to call him my own.
About a week after my 26 birthday I got engaged!! And then on June 10th I got married and I couldn't be happier about it.
Dey and I had discussed many times about when we would want kids when we discussed the future. Seeing that I was 26 and he was 32 we decided that we wouldn't take any "precautions" when it came to our future family and that if it happened it happened and if it didn't then it didn't. Well... it happened quite quickly and easily for us and very unexpected. I know we said that we would just see if it would happen but we never thought it would be so fast. We had heard many stories of other couples who have been trying for years and have had various difficulties. Also, when researching pregnancy, it is said that on average it takes about a year to get pregnant. Apparently we were not included in that average because wham bam thank you ma'am I was "with child" and depending on which doctor you talked to I was due either February 18th or 10th. Honestly their due date calculator/spin wheel is really ridiculous and I find stupid, but they're the doctors not me.
My entire life I wanted nothing more than to be a mom and have a kid. I also had said, and I quote, "even if I hate being pregnant I will love it because I get to have a kid"... HA HA! Boy was I whistling a different tune as the pregnancy went on.
For those of you who know me know that I despise getting sick. I will do anything to keep myself from throwing up and I have done quite well for myself and avoided it for years. Apparently when pregnant you do not get to avoid it. I was one of the "lucky ones" who didn't just suffer from nausea but got the lovely symptom of actual morning sickness. Which leads me to ask the question, as I'm sure many before me have, "why do they even call it morning sickness when it can occur at various times throughout the day?"
My pregnancy consisted of "morning" sickness for a good 4 months or so, extreme low iron, countless sleepless nights, my restless legs becoming worse than before, my tail bone killing me and making it hard to stand up from sitting down, extreme swelling in my feet/legs/hands, mood swings and crying at the drop of a hat for no real reason, not to mention the crazy hot flashes I would have countless times a day and sweat through the clothes I was wearing. I hated being pregnant. I was uncomfortable all the time and I just wanted to be done with the whole thing.
I was told countless times from my doctor that I was measuring too big and I was gaining too much weight. They have this average of how things should be when you're pregnant but they don't take into account that every person is different but that doesn't stop doctors from making you feel like you are the fattest person in the entire world.
Work for me started to become completely unbearable because I was so tired from the lack of the sleep and so sore from sitting all the time. I decided that because I was so uncomfortable and unprepared for having a baby I would take the first 2 weeks of January off and then start my maternity leave right after that. It's a good thing I left when I did because my baby decided to drop and had a mind of his own and decided to come early. I was willing to have him early because I was so sick and tired of being pregnant.
On Wednesday January 22nd at about 6pm I was eating dinner at my friend Melody's house from work and the entire time I was there I felt like I had really bad gas pain and I wasn't sure if I would it move upwards or downwards, but either way I was waiting, rather impatiently, to have it pass. Now I didn't want it to pass while at Melody's house so I "held" onto it for the longest time.
When I finally got home and the "gas" wouldn't pass I just decided to stay laying on the couch watching TV changing positions hoping that if I moved a certain way it would finally vacate my body. As I was on the couch, after hours of waiting, I realized I had to go to the bathroom. It was about 12am now and I had to pee. After going to the bathroom I still felt the gas pain and I had come to terms that this gas would just not pass through my system and I was doomed to spend the night more uncomfortable than normal. About 5 minutes after going to the bathroom I felt like I peed my pants. I have heard of some women who have peed their pants a little when pregnant. My first thought was "I lasted this long without having a leaky bladder even with my crazy intense sneezing but now I'm here peeing my pants... what will people think!?" Yes I worried about what people would think because I would tell them what I would do (I'm pretty much an open book.)
I got up off the couch and went to the bathroom to finish peeing and realized that this was not a normal pee I was having because there was some blood in the fluid. After some research I realized that this was common when your water breaks. I quickly went and got changed and went into Dey's office and told him that I was pretty sure that my water just broke. Dey looked at me and said "Are you joking?" my quick response was "I would never joke about this."
One thing I didn't know when your water breaks is that it doesn't just stop once the initial breaking happens; you pretty much are peeing your pants with every stride you take. I had a bit of a panic attack and decided I didn't want to go to the hospital just yet because I needed to calm down and prepare myself for what was about to happen so I stood in the shower for about 45 minutes while Dey got everything together to put into the car.
At about 1am we got to the hospital (I was wearing my Rocky Tshirt because I thought it was appropriate for the occasion) and they sent me off to triage.
When you go to triage, at least with me, they hooked me up to the contraction monitor and the fetal monitor as well. My contractions were pretty non existent and the fetal monitor looked in their words "perfect" and baby was doing amazing. They tested to see if my water had in fact broke and because there was blood in the fluid they wanted to monitor it. Since the nurse wasn't 100% if this was ok (there was more blood than they thought was "normal") she couldn't send me home because they needed to have the doctor look over it and decide. She sent me on a walk to see if I could get the contractions really starting and to pass the time while we waiting for the Doctor, who was home sleeping because he was on call.
After walking for about 2 hours, we had been at the hospital now for about 3 hours, we headed back upstairs and my contractions had started a bit. They weren't that bad still but at least I knew they had started some and wouldn't have to be induced.
While waiting for the Doctor to show up a lady came in and was 6cm's dilated and within 10mins the doctor showed up and was running to deliver her baby and she had her third child. No this is not a lie, it really was 10mins. Apparently she is famous for quick labors. I sat there and asked the nurse if I could have that as well and she just laughed and walked away as we were still waiting for my doctor to come in. Finally Dr. #1 showed up and said that everything was ok and that he didn't think I should be at the hospital and we could go home. He told us that we should be back by noon and that if things don't progress on their own they would have to step in and move things along or if things progress to come back then. So its about 5am and I am pretty upset about having to go home and pay for parking (13$) just to come back at some point.
We get home, after Dey took the wrong exit, and we climb into bed to try and get some sleep before things get too bad. Now I had been up for quite some time now because I wasn't able to sleep at night anymore so I was pretty exhausted already and was willing to welcome sleep if it chose to come and grace me with its presence. The moment I got into bed my eyes were not able to close because my contractions decided to start up. Now they weren't unbearable but they were pretty painful, and well I don't do pain very well. Dey was passed out and I was having to get up and move around because my contractions were coming every minute to minute and a half and lasting for about 25-45 seconds and I needed to do something to get my mind off of them. I didn't want to rush back to the hospital because 1. we just got home and 2. things weren't crazy bad yet. At about 630 I woke Dey up and told him I couldn't stay home anymore because I was hurting quite a bit. Dey got up and we headed back to the hospital. They got me back in triage and people were surprised to see me already and said they didn't think I would be back until noon. I told them that I was in pain and my contractions were happening and I didn't want to go back home. They hooked me back up to the monitors and they came in to check me out. The monitors were showing my contractions and that my baby was the picture of perfection. They wouldn't admit me yet because I wasn't in "active" labor, meaning that I hadn't dilated past 3cms yet. They asked me if I wanted anything for the pain and my birthing plan only really consisted of me not wanting an epidural unless I couldn't handle it anymore so I told them I didn't want anything yet. They said I had options and I didn't have to get the epidural if I didn't want it but they had the laughing gas or the morphine drip. The morphine consisted of an IV so that was not an option at that point. I hate needles and have a major phobia of them and this was reflected in my paperwork that I had to give to them when I came to the hospital. I asked about the gas mask and gladly accepted its ability to help take my mind off of the pain. I rather enjoyed the way it made me feel and I even started laughing at one point. I even named the mask Leroy Brown and sang the song to my mom as well. Now for those who have never had the gas mask while pregnant I think its a good idea. It doesn't take the pain away but it makes it more bearable for a while and takes your mind off of the pain. It also makes it seem like the pain doesn't last as long. At one point I wasn't sure if I was breathing the gas mask because I was having a contraction or if I just really liked the way it made me feel. The nurse suggested that I get on the exercise ball to help move things along and have Dey rub my back. This is what I did for quite a while.
So Dr. #2 came in with his resident and had to check me out to see how I was progressing and they finally said it was ok to admit me because I was about 3.5cms. They asked if I wanted a wheelchair to get to my room and I said yes partially because I like being pushed around and also because I knew that I wouldn't be able to walk and handle my contractions at the same time.
When I got into my room the nurse asked me if I wanted a shower and I said I would give it a try, so I got on all fours in the shower and had the hot water running on my back while eating ice chips. It felt nice and was comforting but it didn't do the best at relieving me of the pain so I didn't stay in there for that long. once I got out I got back on the exercise ball and was back to the laughing gas. I think because I was so tired, hungry, in pain and breathing a lot of the laughing gas I had to run to the bathroom to get sick. The nurse was impressed that I made it to the bathroom on time so she didn't have to clean up the mess. I realized at this point that the pain was starting to become too much for me so I opted to get the morphine drip. Now the drip doesn't take the pain away completely but it helps lessen the pain and make it easier to handle. So I got the IV and was back to sucking the gas and dealing with the pain but not having to deal with the intensity of it.
I had the drip/gas for hours and I decided that I couldn't do it anymore and I was going to cave and get the epidural. It's 4pm and they are trying to track down the anesthesiologist but there are back to back to back to back c sections so they are having a hard time getting him. I'm in my room and I have the mask on and the drip going and my contractions are not giving me a break. Literally one contraction would build and rise and start to come down but then another one started immediately. I am at this point yelling into my mask because the pain is hurting me. The anesthesiologist comes in and I am terrified of needles so I am breathing into this mask to calm my nerves has he has me bend over a pillow and he puts the catheter in my back. I felt a bit of a pinch and then it was done. When you're in that much pain you don't really feel the needle as bad. It still made me nervous getting it though because of the risk of getting it.
I am laying in bed and my left side starts to go numb but not my right side so the nurses move me on my side hoping that gravity will take affect and my right side follow suit and go numb, but what ended up happening is the feeling came back completely in my left side. Honestly I am now yelling into my mask, they are trying to get the anesthesiologist to come back as quick as possible and I am now crying for the first time. I was crying because of the pain and because I was the 5% (chance of an epidural not working) and needed another epidural. Finally when he came back in (around 5pm) he decided that he didn't get a good spot and had to remove the catheter and it got stuck in my back so he's pulling on it. He gets the catheter out and has to move it to some other place. Of course he does it just has I am having one of my more intense contractions and so I didn't notice it as much. Almost immediately my entire bottom half went numb! I was so happy!!! They had to relieve my bladder for me which was interesting because I could border line feel like I was peeing but not really.
Now because I had the epidural they had to hook me up to the monitors and have the blood pressure cuff on the entire time which made it hard to get any rest because every few minutes the cuff would inflate. Doctor #2 had finished his shift and wished me luck and went on his way and my, what seemed like, 1 millionth nurse came in and checked me out. I still had a few cm's to go until I was fully dilated.
At about 8pm the phone rang to our room and it was the front desk because Cortney showed up and we had her come in as my support person. So here was my best friend who drove down from Edmonton and was now seeing me in a whole new way... and by seeing me I mean she saw ALL OF ME! At that point I really didn't care if Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy and the Easter Bunny came in, I would let them all see me. You really don't care anymore who sees you at this point. I don't think I will ever be "modest" with a doctor ever again.
My doctor came in after a bit and checked me out and I was pretty much completely dilated but one side of me was still a bit swollen so she wanted to wait for pushing until that had gone down.
At midnight (now 24 hours since my water broke) they said it was time to push. I could feel my contractions but the weren't overly painful but it was good because then I knew when to push.
Ok, so they have your legs up and tell you to push as if you are trying to poop. They tell you to put your head to your neck and to push and to hold your breath for 10 secs and then to take a deep breath and repeat 2 more times during the contraction. Now if your contraction lasts longer than that you do more reps. Here I was holding my breath and I would be counting in my head and be at 3 already and the nurse would just start counting. I wanted to slap her.
When you're pushing they like to put their fingers all up in there and tell you to try and push them out... I'm sorry but what part of that is supposed to make me want to continue to push? I felt somewhat violated. I also got sick twice from everything while pushing. Clearly my labor was going stupendously.
Remember how they say "push like you're having poop"?... Sometimes people poop and well... need I say more???
After 1.5 hours of pushing (it's now 1:30am Friday) the doctor came in and checked me out and then said she wanted a second opinion... This is never good. So the other lady came in and checked me out and apparently baby was stuck in my pelvis and my cervix swelled shut over his head.
This is when I cried for a second time. They gave me 2 options... 1. Give me oxytocin to see if they can start things up again and make me re-dilate or 2. C-section. The moment she said option 2 I was a mess. I asked what they thought was best and they said that C-section was best because it had already been 24 hours since my water broke and the risk of infection was higher than before. We asked for some time to decide what we wanted to do. When they say they're going to give you a minute that's pretty much all they give you... well the gave us about 3. When they came back into the room I asked them all my questions I had, while sobbing, and nothing they said made me more convinced that this was what I should do, but for the health of the baby I said ok. Saying Ok was not good enough, I actually had to say yes to having the C-section and had to sign paperwork to consent.
Immediately when they had me sign the paperwork I went into an anxiety/panic attack and couldn't stop breathing heavily and shaking uncontrollably. They also came in and shot me up full of freezing, which froze me from the chest down.
When they roll you to the OR they have to move you from 1 bed to another. Now I was not a "light" person and the people who were to lift me from the bed were all very petite girls with 1 guy. Yeah I didn't feel safe at all especially because it looks/feels like they are about to drop you off the edge of the bed.
Here I am laying on the operating table and I am having issues breathing because my nose is stuffed up from crying and my heavy breathing has made my mouth go dry and they tell me I am not allowed to have anything while on the table. The anesthesiologist was nice and bent the rules and gave me ice chips even though I wasn't supposed to have them at all.
Here I am shaking uncontrollably, having problems breathing, not mention I have a crazy migraine and the lights are quite bright over my head and then the nausea hits me. I thought I was going to get sick. The anesthesiologist, who was quickly becoming my BFF, pumped me full of something to take the nausea away and also something for my migraine. The one thing he wouldn't do was readjust the blood pressure cuff for me. Because I was shaking the cuff kept getting tighter and tighter and it was really painful. Every few minutes I told him to move the finger monitor thing to another finger because it was hurting me.
No because I was numb I couldn't feel anything when they were cutting me open but I could feel movement. They did say when they got inside that my hips didn't widen enough when I was pregnant and this is why he got stuck. Of course, it was my stupid body and the lack of hips that prevented him coming naturally.
At 2:20am they told me I had a baby boy! The first thing I said, with tears in my eyes, was "I have a baby!"... I said it quite loudly.
I could hear him crying and Dey went and saw him and brought him over to me to see. I told Dey to check if he had all his fingers and toes. He did.
When they weighed him they called out "11lbs 1oz"... I was like UHHHH SAY WHAT!? Then they realized something else was on the scale and removed it and it read 8lbs 5oz and he was 21"'s long. If he would have waited until the due date I'm sure he would have been about 11lbs.
I'm still laying there, anxiously waiting for them to finish sewing me up and I said "Are you done yet?" and everyone laughed. I did not find it that funny. I was being serious. I wanted to be out of there. I was ready to be in recovery.
When they were done sewing me up they moved me back to my original bed, the same way they did before and again I thought I was going to fall over. They wheeled me to recovery where they had to wait until the freezing went down pretty much completely and they let me hold Dominic for the first time and try to feed him. They also checked my battle scar as I like to call it and it was still bleeding and they made it seem like it was an issue so that kept me shaking for a while.
Oh, and the first time I saw Dominic in recovery, which was pretty much the first time I got to really see him, I legit said "He looks like an alien"... So loving I know.
The shaking finally started to subside and the freezing went down... it was now 4am and they wheeled me off to my semi private room.
Foothills doesn't let anyone stay the night. So Dads were allowed to come at 8am-11pm and your support people or grandparents were allowed to visit from 11am-8pm so Dey had to leave me there. Yeah I was not impressed about that.
The first thing I said to the nurse was "when can I eat!?" she said pretty much immediately and brought me an apple juice. She told me I wasn't allowed to chug the drink because it would most likely make me sick. I showed her, because the moment she was gone I downed that juice.
Because I was C-section they don't keep the baby in the room with you because you're not able to move around as easily to get them when they are crying, so they wheeled him off to the nursery.
The lady in my room also was a C-section and was really weird. The curtain that separated us would be open not even an inch and she would make the nurse come and close it. Her baby would also scream the moment she would pick him up which would wake me up all the time because the nurses didn't bring our babies in at the same time for feedings. Not Impressed.
So Jeremy and Kim came down from Edmonton and wanted to come see me but unless you were the support person, the father or one of the grandparents you weren't allowed in to see anyone.
Laura even tried to sneak in when Cortney left and she got caught and had to leave immediately.
They keep you for 48hours with a C-section and I was ready to leave immediately but because I was having issues breast feeding properly they wanted me to see a lactation consultant to help me out. I was emotional and really wanted to get home. I was also really sore and dirty so that just made matters worse.
Finally they were letting me go home, after my nurse forgot to tell me she was going on lunch and thought someone else would give me my discharge papers. I was able to leave at 6:30pm and the nurse wouldn't give the pain killers the doctor said I would leave with and the pharmacy was closed so I couldn't get my prescription. Yeah I was a little more than a little mad.
When we got home Jeremy and Kim came over and they brought us pizza hut. We also noticed when we got home that Cortney had filled our freezer with food and cleaned our bathroom and did our laundry as well.
Jeremy and Kim visited for a bit and then they had to leave and then Michelle quickly came by to see us.
The first night was pretty bad because I couldn't get into my bed and I didn't have pain meds to get me through. I had to sleep on the couch and was sitting up.
The next day we went out and got my prescription and when I got home the health nurse came by for her check up (they send them the day after you get discharged). She taught me a different way to hold him while feeding and it worked wonders. She had to check out my incision and the moment she looked at it I started to have an anxiety attack. For me this wasn't just a surgery it was very emotional. I can't really explain it but when you go into something expecting it to go a certain way and doing everything you should/could and in a way "fail" at it takes a lot out of you. It doesn't help that anything surgical takes its toll on me.
The week was slowly moving along and I was in a lot of pain and all I wanted was my mom. I never thought I would be the one to cry "mommy" but I did and I actually cried a lot about it.
That Friday I had my doctors appointment with Dominic to make sure he was doing well but beforehand I took him to RECA to see everyone. My aunt called Dey and said that she had a gift for us and we needed to pick it up after my appointment.
We headed to my aunts house and Dey went in to let her know we were there and they went to her car to get the gift out. It was a pretty big bag and all I could think as Dey loaded it in our trunk was that she got us a playpen and we already have one.
I asked him if she needed the bag back and he said no, and as he got into the car he "accidentally" honked the horn and all I thought was "smooth move".
I was looking over at Dominic and then when I looked up I saw my aunt walking out of her house and then I noticed that my mom was getting into the front seat of my car!!
I honestly jumped out of my car quicker than I thought possible at that time and quicker than I should have because of my incision. I hugged my mom and started sobbing.
I was so happy to have her here and we spent a week together and then she had to leave. I also sobbed when she left as well... and by sobbed I mean bawled my eyes out for days after.
Shes coming back in march and I cannot wait to see her again.
Looking back on everything I cannot believe that I have a baby of my very own.
Was it worth it?? Of Course! But if I could do a few things different (*cough cough* C-section *cough cough*) I would.
I love my little guy so much it's insane. I never though it was possible to be this in love. I am truly blessed to call him my own.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
2.5 Weeks
To all those out there who are in long distance relationships, or who have been in them I commend you!! Dey is away for 2.5 weeks and I'm going crazy. He has only been gone for a week and I don't know how people have handled being in actual long distance relationships. He is only on vacation, an open ended vacation that is, and I am having the hardest time with him being so far away. If we were in the same province and I just couldn't see him that would be fine, but the fact that he is in Toronto makes it worse. They always says "you want what you cant have." Right now I cant have him and it sucks. We have talked multiple times a day and have even skyped as well and this has helped a lot. I know I sound like one of those stupid girls whose world only revolves around their boy, and I try not to be like that. I have still hung out with my friends this past week, and I'm sure that I will still be hanging with them this week as well, but I still miss my boy... can ya blame me???
Looks like I might be doing some shopping this week to keep myself busy! I already got my hair done, but now I need more clothes! We are vastly coming up on a new season and I need more clothes. So shopping world, you better watch out because I miss my boy and I have money in my account.... deathly combo!
Looks like I might be doing some shopping this week to keep myself busy! I already got my hair done, but now I need more clothes! We are vastly coming up on a new season and I need more clothes. So shopping world, you better watch out because I miss my boy and I have money in my account.... deathly combo!
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
"Go The Distance"
I thought that I would keep with the Lyric theme from the last blog post. "Go The Distance" is from Hercules, and it is one of my favorite Disney songs, but I also feel as if it relates to me and where my head and heart have been this past week and a half. I have felt like I needed to go the distance but I wasn't sure if I would be able to make it.
My relationship all of a sudden hit a wall, and things just kept getting worse with every passing second and it dawned on me that maybe we didn't have what it takes to go the distance. I didn't want to end things but there came a point where I thought that maybe I needed to walk away in order to make things better and to just clear my head. But there was something amidst all the indecision that told me to just stick it out, and I am glad that I did.
I met up with him on Friday and at first I didn't want to because we didn't start the morning on a positive note. But when we sat in his car and drove with the smallest of small talk things slowly started to ease up and we slipped back into our "normal" selves. We went to the mall to meet up with a contact of his and had lunch and he was nice and bought me an ice cream from marble slab. He got an invite to a BBQ at his friends house and we went. I am always nervous meeting his friends because I never know what to expect. OH MY GOSH! These people were hilarious and I felt so at ease and felt like I belonged there, like we had known each other before. We got a long so well and we just hit it off and we were very much a like personality wise. After we left the BBQ we met up with people I work with to go to the Comedy Cave because my friend Michelle had free tickets. It was so funny and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Saturday's I normally go to the office with Dey but when I woke up I had the worst migraine I have had since I was a little kid when I used to get them all the time. I was in so much pain that I was shaking and even water made me want to throw up. Dey was so worried about me that we didn't go to the office and I seriously slept until about 5pm. I woke up feeling so much better than earlier and I was more than happy to go out to the movies with the special boy who was attentive to my needs as a sick little girl. We went to the new GI JOE movie and what I can say is that it was better than the first one, but it wasn't as good as I would have hoped, and also there weren't enough shirtless men hahaha what can I say I love me some shirtless hot men, I mean what girl doesn't!? hahaha
On Sunday we went to church, we went to Brentwood ward for sacrament and then we went to the Spanish ward for sacrament as well because someone that Dey knows is going on his mission and it was his farewell. Now in the Spanish ward everything is in Spanish and I love listening to the people speak. I had the option to use the headphones that they provide for visitors to hear things in English, but I love listening to the way they express themselves. I did however luck out because the guy who was going on his mission spoke in English!
After church we decided to hang out and watch a movie before we went to dinner at Michelles. Dinner was at 6 and of course we both fell asleep only to wake up to a few texts from Laura and it was now 6. I don't think I have ever gotten up so fast as I did right then.
Dinner was hilarious. Laura made us take these bunny pictures. Michelle tried to sneak corn into my potatoes, I caught on to her though haha.
On a side note, Sunday was my dads birthday and I facetimed them and my family got to meet Dey. Lyla was there and I thought she was hilarious. I miss that kid so much!
Now Monday, this was the day that I seriously fell more in love than I had been before.
I was at work and I get a text from Dey asking me what I had planned for the evening and I told him that I needed to clean my room and do laundry but maybe I wouldn't do my laundry and that I had to clean my bunny's cage and clean up my little eating area. Then all of a sudden I get a text from Laura asking why Dey was at the house and that Jeremy had let him in... then she told me the washing machine was going.
I get home and walk into my room knowing full well that he is still at the house and see that my room is now clean, my laundry is done and folded, and then I looked over and saw flowers, candy and movies along with a "love" letter. Seriously that was way more than I expected to have come home to. I was so happy and then just when I didn't think that things could get better I get told that we are going to dinner. My night was seriously amazing. I couldn't have asked for anything better than this. I was taken by surprise with this and I appreciated it more than I can ever express.
Deys willingness to do something like this for me has proven that not only do I have, but we have what it takes to go the distance. I was touched so deeply, and I am so happy to be with him even when things aren't the best I know that its all worth it and things will work out.
My relationship all of a sudden hit a wall, and things just kept getting worse with every passing second and it dawned on me that maybe we didn't have what it takes to go the distance. I didn't want to end things but there came a point where I thought that maybe I needed to walk away in order to make things better and to just clear my head. But there was something amidst all the indecision that told me to just stick it out, and I am glad that I did.
I met up with him on Friday and at first I didn't want to because we didn't start the morning on a positive note. But when we sat in his car and drove with the smallest of small talk things slowly started to ease up and we slipped back into our "normal" selves. We went to the mall to meet up with a contact of his and had lunch and he was nice and bought me an ice cream from marble slab. He got an invite to a BBQ at his friends house and we went. I am always nervous meeting his friends because I never know what to expect. OH MY GOSH! These people were hilarious and I felt so at ease and felt like I belonged there, like we had known each other before. We got a long so well and we just hit it off and we were very much a like personality wise. After we left the BBQ we met up with people I work with to go to the Comedy Cave because my friend Michelle had free tickets. It was so funny and I thoroughly enjoyed myself.
Saturday's I normally go to the office with Dey but when I woke up I had the worst migraine I have had since I was a little kid when I used to get them all the time. I was in so much pain that I was shaking and even water made me want to throw up. Dey was so worried about me that we didn't go to the office and I seriously slept until about 5pm. I woke up feeling so much better than earlier and I was more than happy to go out to the movies with the special boy who was attentive to my needs as a sick little girl. We went to the new GI JOE movie and what I can say is that it was better than the first one, but it wasn't as good as I would have hoped, and also there weren't enough shirtless men hahaha what can I say I love me some shirtless hot men, I mean what girl doesn't!? hahaha
On Sunday we went to church, we went to Brentwood ward for sacrament and then we went to the Spanish ward for sacrament as well because someone that Dey knows is going on his mission and it was his farewell. Now in the Spanish ward everything is in Spanish and I love listening to the people speak. I had the option to use the headphones that they provide for visitors to hear things in English, but I love listening to the way they express themselves. I did however luck out because the guy who was going on his mission spoke in English!
After church we decided to hang out and watch a movie before we went to dinner at Michelles. Dinner was at 6 and of course we both fell asleep only to wake up to a few texts from Laura and it was now 6. I don't think I have ever gotten up so fast as I did right then.
Dinner was hilarious. Laura made us take these bunny pictures. Michelle tried to sneak corn into my potatoes, I caught on to her though haha.
On a side note, Sunday was my dads birthday and I facetimed them and my family got to meet Dey. Lyla was there and I thought she was hilarious. I miss that kid so much!
Now Monday, this was the day that I seriously fell more in love than I had been before.
I was at work and I get a text from Dey asking me what I had planned for the evening and I told him that I needed to clean my room and do laundry but maybe I wouldn't do my laundry and that I had to clean my bunny's cage and clean up my little eating area. Then all of a sudden I get a text from Laura asking why Dey was at the house and that Jeremy had let him in... then she told me the washing machine was going.
I get home and walk into my room knowing full well that he is still at the house and see that my room is now clean, my laundry is done and folded, and then I looked over and saw flowers, candy and movies along with a "love" letter. Seriously that was way more than I expected to have come home to. I was so happy and then just when I didn't think that things could get better I get told that we are going to dinner. My night was seriously amazing. I couldn't have asked for anything better than this. I was taken by surprise with this and I appreciated it more than I can ever express.
Deys willingness to do something like this for me has proven that not only do I have, but we have what it takes to go the distance. I was touched so deeply, and I am so happy to be with him even when things aren't the best I know that its all worth it and things will work out.
Monday, March 25, 2013
"Nobody Said It Was Easy"
Im pretty sure those Coldplay lyrics explain it all right about now. I never went into this thinking that things would be easy, and people who do are living in a dream world. Good things arent supposed to be easy. Good things require work and sometimes work really means fighting through the problems.
Today I am running on less than 4 hours of sleep because things right now arent easy. I am left in limbo not sure which direction I am going to be going.
Ive had emotional "Issues" for as long as I can remember and sometimes they are really good and sometimes not so much. As of late things have been great and my emotions have been nothing but good. Then some where between Wednesday and Thursday things just shifted. I cannot explain why this happens to me or what causes it, but it just happens. This is something people dont understand unless they have gone through it. This is something I have worked really hard on and when Im told Im not working on it I feel like a failure. This is my flaw and some people cant handle that, and right now Im not sure if this is something that can be dealt with by others.
Nobody said that things would come easily and right now Im in a hard and difficult place with almost every aspect of my life. I am doing my best, but I guess some times my best isnt good enough or its not what people think it should be.
So this is me, an emotional wreck for no reason with all my imperfections, am I worth the fight?
Today I am running on less than 4 hours of sleep because things right now arent easy. I am left in limbo not sure which direction I am going to be going.
Ive had emotional "Issues" for as long as I can remember and sometimes they are really good and sometimes not so much. As of late things have been great and my emotions have been nothing but good. Then some where between Wednesday and Thursday things just shifted. I cannot explain why this happens to me or what causes it, but it just happens. This is something people dont understand unless they have gone through it. This is something I have worked really hard on and when Im told Im not working on it I feel like a failure. This is my flaw and some people cant handle that, and right now Im not sure if this is something that can be dealt with by others.
Nobody said that things would come easily and right now Im in a hard and difficult place with almost every aspect of my life. I am doing my best, but I guess some times my best isnt good enough or its not what people think it should be.
So this is me, an emotional wreck for no reason with all my imperfections, am I worth the fight?
Monday, March 18, 2013
This Isnt Easy For Me...
I hate feeling like Im disappointing people. I want to spend time with everyone, and I want everyone to spend time together. I hate that I cant make things go a certain way.
I am torn between spending time with my friends by breaking a promise to the guy Im dating, or keeping my promise to the guy and upsetting my friends. I just wish that this could come easy. You may look at this and say its a no brainer "keep your promise" or "go with your friends." The decision seems easy, but for me its not. I dont want to be the type of person who is forced to choose and today I feel forced. I get guilted by all parties, Im sure they dont mean to guilt me, but they do. I just cant please everyone and myself. That is the other choice, just do what I want. Now this is the hardest part; I want both! I have the hardest time making decisions when there are more people involved than just myself. I want to be able to please everyone and I cant. I just want this to come easy and its not.
I am torn between spending time with my friends by breaking a promise to the guy Im dating, or keeping my promise to the guy and upsetting my friends. I just wish that this could come easy. You may look at this and say its a no brainer "keep your promise" or "go with your friends." The decision seems easy, but for me its not. I dont want to be the type of person who is forced to choose and today I feel forced. I get guilted by all parties, Im sure they dont mean to guilt me, but they do. I just cant please everyone and myself. That is the other choice, just do what I want. Now this is the hardest part; I want both! I have the hardest time making decisions when there are more people involved than just myself. I want to be able to please everyone and I cant. I just want this to come easy and its not.
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