This past week has been one of the hardest I have had since becoming a mom. Dominic has been extremely fussy and being a real sooke. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely that he wants to curl up in my arms and snuggle into my chest, but it has made it very difficult to get things done.
Nap times, along with smiles, have been very hard to come by. Not to mention a good nights rest for either of us. You would think that because he isn't getting his required amount during the night that he would at least take his naps during the day. Unfortunately this has not been the case and has made for many days inside. No one wants to deal with a cranky loud crying baby in public.
His night time routine has had some good days but also some not so good days, but things are slowly getting better... at least I hope that they are.
Yesterday was particularly hard because it seemed like no matter what was done he would just cry over nothing. He didn't want to play, he didn't want to cuddle, he didn't want to eat very much or sleep, and his diaper was changed, so I was left sitting in my rocking chair for the majority of the day only to get up to go to the bathroom which resulted in a freak out.
Over the past few days play time with smiles have been hard to come by but I was able to quickly capture a few moments, and these are the moments that make me forget about all the screams and tears.
Playing "Where'd you go!?" (He doesn't smile for Peek-a-Boo)
Hes shaking his soother around like crazy. Hes fascinated by it. Hes also moving too quick to see it
I bought the connect mats that have numbers in them. They range from 0-9. That is 10 squares but it doesn't make for a very big play area if you just do 2 rows, but it makes for an odd square out if you do 3 rows of 3 so the 0 got cut. Dominic pushed the 0 out and found out how to get it around his head. He got quite frustrated when he couldn't get it off... Playtime ended pretty quickly for him.
My exercise ball that I rarely used was taken out the other day to rest my legs on while I sat in my chair. Dominic let me put him down for a brief moment. He and the ball became fast friends, especially when I would hold him and let him jump on it.
Speaking of jumping, this kid is a jumping jellybean these days. He LOVES it! Not only does he do that but he has started shaking his head back and forth and going from blowing his lips together to sticking his tongue out and doing it. I don't mind it unless he has a lot of drool because it tends to go all over me and my glasses.
So the past couple of days I have been extra emotional in the sense that I have caught myself crying over the fact that my baby really isn't a "baby" anymore. Yes in age he still is but he has grown up so quick that its hard to remember what it was like with a baby that was just a bump on a log so to speak.
I am having a hard time wanting to move forward with him growing. Of course I cant wait to see who he becomes and hear his voice all the time and see what his personality will be like, but its hard to want to let go of the littleness that is him.
I have these fears that because it was so easy to get pregnant before that the next time will be extremely hard or that I wont be able to have anymore and this breaks my heart. I have always wanted a big family and to think that it might not happen is hard. No I have not been told that this is a possibility, but because my body has been all over the place since giving birth I have a feeling that being pregnant may have shot me into early menopause. Sounds crazy I know, but its hard not to think that way when your body is the way it is.
I am having an EXTREMELY hard time accepting that I have to go back to work. Yes it is only for 6 months, but 6 months can feel like a lifetime. All but 1 person who I was ever really close with is gone and that makes it hard. Yes you go to work to work but if you work with people you enjoy then it makes it so great. I have come to realize that my life long dream of being a mom is the ONLY thing that I want to do/be. Yes I hate being stuck at home all the time by myself, but I would take these days over getting up and spending 9 hours away from my child 5 days a week. Yes I know that I have talked about my dreading going back to work but it has become more real as the time is passing on and it too has made me cry. I am going to have to give up on a life that I love and suites me more than any other thing in this world.
I love my life so much and am happier than I have ever been. Yes, like everyone, I have my days when I am cranky and upset and feeling beat down, but in a whole I am so happy. My life brings me so much joy. I have had an amazing first year and a bit of being married. Dey, although he gets on my nerves sometimes (as everyone does), has been amazing and treats me so well and I am blessed to have him in my life and call him my love. I cannot wait to get home this fall (its been pushed back due to slow moving authorities) and be sealed. Tonight Dey went to the temple and it was hard dropping him off and not going with him. I could go through now if I wanted, which I do, but my mom has asked me to wait until I come home so she can be there with my nanny. Yes my worldly self sees it as a plus because there are things I can still wear (VS anyone??) but a bigger part of me is anxious for it.
This week I got a call from the Bishop asking me to give a talk at the end of the month and I was brought up to always say yes no matter how hard it is for you to get up... I am still awaiting the topic... and I was informed that things with our sealing clearance is finally moving forward and it has brought me hope that it will get done soon, and I think because we have a baby Salt Lake will decide quicker on things because we have already been married for over a year and why make us wait any longer?? I'm hoping to get home before Michelle comes back out here because I know how much she wants to see Dominic get blessed, and we are waiting to do it there.
My life has changed so much since moving out here and I couldn't have asked for anything better. I am thankful for the life I have led thus far, including when I lived a life not so perfectly because I have learned many life lessons that I can pass onto my children. Yes children, I am hoping for 4!
As I am sitting with Dominic asleep at the foot of my bed (I don't trust the electrical to put him in his own room) I feel a sense of calm and peace rush over me. Tonight I am just happy, tired yes, but happy.
Life is good and I thank God for it, as he is the one who has let me have this life that I take for granted too often. I owe my life to him and am forever grateful.