Monday, January 18, 2016

Frustration

I thought that my frustration was over as I spent all of Sunday not really paying attention to the things going on with my body and felt like I had accepted everything. Then later last night so many more people posted pictures of their babies/ultrasounds and immediately my frustrations were coming over me again.

I start to think about how I would be soon finding out the gender of my baby if my first pregnancy had lasted. And then I start to think how I wanted to make an appointment for my "confirmation" at my doctors this weekend when Im off but I wont. This one happened a bit faster than the last so I didnt even notify my doctor that I was pregnant. Which has me wondering if I should even let them no.. like hey doctor I just wanted to come in and tell you I was pregnant and then I miscarried later in the week and because Im so freshly aware of what takes place I didnt do anything about it.

This is the second time I had to email the midwifery intake people to remove me from their list because I will not be in need of a midwife again.

I wonder why this is happening to me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me and it is causing me to not carry a baby. I dont think I want to wait very long if I do start to try again, but honestly if I were to start trying again, get pregnant and then miscarry again Im really not sure why I would ever want to try for another baby ever again.

Because of all this Ive been noticing my left ovary has been hurting a bit more frequently so Im going to have to go in and look my cyst sooner than later. This is also frustrating because I feel like it might be cause of my issues and if the doctors took it more seriously then maybe it would have been removed and this pregnancy would have lasted.

I just dont understand why! I havent even told my family about this one because Im not sure how to bring it up in random conversation... oh hey ma! I was pregnant last week but now anymore, how was your day!?

My heart is heavy. My heart is sad. My heart is frustrated.

1 comment:

Brianna Williams said...

Hi Vanessa, I'm a friend of Laura's. I just wanted to send you a quick message and say that I'm so sorry you're going through this. The struggle of not seeing your family dream coming to fruition is heart breaking. Thinking of you guys and sending you comfort through such a difficult time. 💛