I thought that my frustration was over as I spent all of Sunday not really paying attention to the things going on with my body and felt like I had accepted everything. Then later last night so many more people posted pictures of their babies/ultrasounds and immediately my frustrations were coming over me again.
I start to think about how I would be soon finding out the gender of my baby if my first pregnancy had lasted. And then I start to think how I wanted to make an appointment for my "confirmation" at my doctors this weekend when Im off but I wont. This one happened a bit faster than the last so I didnt even notify my doctor that I was pregnant. Which has me wondering if I should even let them no.. like hey doctor I just wanted to come in and tell you I was pregnant and then I miscarried later in the week and because Im so freshly aware of what takes place I didnt do anything about it.
This is the second time I had to email the midwifery intake people to remove me from their list because I will not be in need of a midwife again.
I wonder why this is happening to me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me and it is causing me to not carry a baby. I dont think I want to wait very long if I do start to try again, but honestly if I were to start trying again, get pregnant and then miscarry again Im really not sure why I would ever want to try for another baby ever again.
Because of all this Ive been noticing my left ovary has been hurting a bit more frequently so Im going to have to go in and look my cyst sooner than later. This is also frustrating because I feel like it might be cause of my issues and if the doctors took it more seriously then maybe it would have been removed and this pregnancy would have lasted.
I just dont understand why! I havent even told my family about this one because Im not sure how to bring it up in random conversation... oh hey ma! I was pregnant last week but now anymore, how was your day!?
My heart is heavy. My heart is sad. My heart is frustrated.