Friday, January 15, 2016

Déja Vu

This post will be updated over a period of days/weeks, depending on what takes place it may be long or short. But I wanted to make note of how I am feeling and what is going in my life during this time.

December 2015: Dey and I have finally decided that it is time to try again, so that is what we are doing. I have broken out the ovulation tests again (I never really know because I have a strangely long cycle) and we are praying that this time around we will get pregnant and by the end of it all we have a new baby.

December 26/27, 2015: Both of these days I got a positive ovulation (a smiley face to be exact!) and so we all know what this means. My fingers are crossed because we so desperately want to expand our family.

January 1-7, 2016: I hate waiting for it to be the right time to take a pregnancy test. Honestly it is longest wait of MY LIFE! I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm not sure if it's going to happen for us. I dont know why but I dont expect there to be a postive test when it is the right time. I actually have taken quite a few tests.. Im just that impatient even though I know the answer will be negative. I need to do them to keep my mind at ease.

January 8, 2016: Okay! So here I am at work with my impatient self and at lunch I went to shoppers with Eva to blow off some steam... its been a bad day on top of a really bad week..... so I bought another test and decided to take it here at work... THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!! AHHHHHH!!!! I dont know if Im just imagining it or what, but i know its there... i have other tests at home (i tend to buy in bulk) and I will do another one when i get home to see if the results are the same.... I also have broken out in hives and have crazy itchy skin which can happen in pregnancy....

.... So the results are more faint than the one earlier today, but still it was there... Im doing to take another one tomorrow!

January 9, 2016 : Took another test and the second line is there!! Again still a little faint but its definitely there. I am getting a little excited, but nervous at the same time. I'm going to take a digital one tomorrow morning when I first get up to see if it says anything different.

January 10, 2016: Sooooo I took a digital test and it says PREGNANT 1-2 weeks!!! So happy!! So Nervous!! I threw all the tests at Dey and just waited for him to respond. He was like "are you serious!?" We are so excited, but I am still staying very quiet about this and trying not to get too excited about it. I already feel a little different about this one than the last, like this one is more real and I feel more excited, whereas in October I just knew for some reason that it was going to last and even though in my heart I knew it didnt make the hurt any less.

January 14/15, 2016: So everything has been going great so far. I have been super tired, more so than usual, and so far I have been feeling more happy and excited than I did in October, Ive been almost giddy. I have found myself looking in the mirror and watching my belly, as it doesnt grow because its too soon, its only big because Ive been bloated haha So last night as I was getting ready for bed and doing my nightly routine, I went to the bathroom and noticed a little pink after using the bathroom. Immediately my heart sank. I started having some cramps, not as bad a period cramps but bad enough that the only comfy way to lay down was curled in a ball on my side. My mind has been going over this countless times because in October, the friday before i got my positive pregnancy test I had the same thing happen, and I at that time though it was a sign that my period of was starting but got a positive on the monday but the spotting just got gradually worse and ended in a very painful miscarriage. So here I am at work, with some minor lower back pain (might just be how Im sitting) and the pink is a bit more than it was last night. Again its only after finishing up using the bathroom that I see this but its still not making me feel any better about the whole thing. i know that a lot of women have spotting early on in pregnancy but this for me is seriously so hard right now. So many people i know are having kids, and i am happy for them, but its still so hard for me not to be angry and jealous and mad at the world that this isnt happening for me. I really do think that my csection screwed my insides up. I have said this from the moment I had the csection that I was terrified that because of it my chances of having another baby are gone. This morning when I told dey about it all he was sad, not as worried as I am and is still hopeful, but for me I just feel it in my heart that things arent going to work out yet again. I do truly hope I am wrong but still it's hard to be positive when the pain and hurt is still so fresh in my heart from October. Dey said to me, if the same thing happens we just need to keep trying. My response "I dont want to!" I didnt think I would ever want to give up on trying again for more kids, but this is not easy for me. Its hard walking around work knowing there is someone else who accidentally got pregnant and is due when I originally would have been (early June) and here I am and still no baby. I know there are people who have tried and tried for years and I never really thought I could feel the way they do or even a fraction of how they do but I think im getting there. I am so grateful for Dominic and that fact that I have been blessed to be his mother but I want him to have a sibling. I dont feel like my family is complete yet, but there is a chance that it will be. Today is not an easy day for me and I really dont want to go through the same thing again. I havent gone to the doctors yet, but if things continue on I will be making an appointment here shortly to have them send me for probably more tests and probably another ultrasound. I think Im scared to go and be told the same thing as before; there's no baby in there. Ive had heartache before in many different forms but for me I think this is the worst of all. I have only ever wanted to be a mom and although I am, i always thought it would be to more than just my 1 little boy. As much as I say I will be ok with just having the one because he truly is a blessing, I know it will take a really long time to actually really accept and be ok with that fact. Everyday I am praying that I am wrong and praying that Heavenly Fathers plan is for this one to work out and that we can keep it, its just a little hard to hold onto the faith that everything will work out, especially because most times my working out and Heavenly Fathers working out are 2 completely different things. I am currently about as far along as I was when I started to miscarry in October. This is making my hopefulness fade rather fast...

... So after coming home from work my heart just knew. I sat here crying so bad and praying to god that if this pregnancy wasn't going to last then have it end now and not make me wait as long as I did last time. He answered my prayer. At 4am I woke up & was having another miscarriage. My heart is heavy. It is hurting. I have so many questions. I don't know why this has happened yet again. Wanting a bigger family is a good desire but apparently it's not meant to be right now. Dey says it's a trial but it's a trial I am over enduring. I just don't know why he would answer my prayer of getting pregnant but he wouldn't answer my prayer to keep it. I'm not mad at god but right now I don't understand him and why this has become my life. 

I really don't know if I'm willing to try to have another kid if I have to keep suffering through these miscarriages. 

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