As I have been sitting here counting down the days until I go home ( 18) I noticed that it will soon be December and that means it will soon be January.
January will be the hardest month of my mothering life I think. I know that I have talked about this before but I am having a real hard time thinking about going back to work in January. I know sometimes it seems like I talk about the same things over and over again, but when they really bother me I have to voice it in some way and this the best way I feel like I can get all my feelings out.
Tonight, as I was holding Dominic's hand as he cried in his crib and I said yet another prayer for him to find the peace and calmness he needs to go to sleep at night without me holding him I started to cry the 50 millionth tear I have shed over this boy since he was born.
I actually prayed that Dominic would find a way to sleep without needing me and that maybe I will be able to find a way to go to work in January without needing to be near him the way I do.
I love this boy so stinking much its insane and people have told me before that they didn't experience what I feel for their own kids, and it makes me feel like I love too much and too hard.
Someone made a suggestion to me and asked if work would set up a payment plan for me to pay them back what they gave me for those 5 months so I don't have to go back to work, and I know they wouldn't. Plus, I need to go back to work because we have a plan in place, and we thought we might as well set aside the difference of pay from EI and work each time and use that towards something else, like me not working afterwards, or moving to a different place.
I already know that my first day back to work will be the most emotional because I haven't spent more than maybe 5 hours away from him at a time, and well he is very much obsessed with nursing and I will be working on weaning him off and I'm pretty sure I will worry all day long about how Dey is doing by himself. He has never spent more than probably an hour and a half with him alone without me there just in case.
I have so many worries about what will happen, and about how Dominic will cope without me.
Will he forget about the year we spent together?
Will he be sad when I leave because he doesn't get upset now when I do?
Will he not want to be near me as much?
Will I not get cuddles anymore in our rocking chair?
Will I slip into a depression because this anxiety is killing me?
Will I even be able to make it the 6 months of working?
Honestly this is something I am not ready for, and the quicker it approaches the more and more I dread it. I am excited to go home but I know that only 6 days after I get back here I will have to go back to work and that is a scary thought.
On a happy note, I have started my Christmas shopping and hopefully everything I have ordered will be here before I leave to go home. I also need to make a trip to IKEA soon because we are getting Dominic a tent from there to have here for when he gets home. he loves hiding under blankets so I am sure a tent will be a hoot and a half!
Well, happy Saturday night to you all and a wonderful Sunday tomorrow!