I thought that my frustration was over as I spent all of Sunday not really paying attention to the things going on with my body and felt like I had accepted everything. Then later last night so many more people posted pictures of their babies/ultrasounds and immediately my frustrations were coming over me again.
I start to think about how I would be soon finding out the gender of my baby if my first pregnancy had lasted. And then I start to think how I wanted to make an appointment for my "confirmation" at my doctors this weekend when Im off but I wont. This one happened a bit faster than the last so I didnt even notify my doctor that I was pregnant. Which has me wondering if I should even let them no.. like hey doctor I just wanted to come in and tell you I was pregnant and then I miscarried later in the week and because Im so freshly aware of what takes place I didnt do anything about it.
This is the second time I had to email the midwifery intake people to remove me from their list because I will not be in need of a midwife again.
I wonder why this is happening to me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me and it is causing me to not carry a baby. I dont think I want to wait very long if I do start to try again, but honestly if I were to start trying again, get pregnant and then miscarry again Im really not sure why I would ever want to try for another baby ever again.
Because of all this Ive been noticing my left ovary has been hurting a bit more frequently so Im going to have to go in and look my cyst sooner than later. This is also frustrating because I feel like it might be cause of my issues and if the doctors took it more seriously then maybe it would have been removed and this pregnancy would have lasted.
I just dont understand why! I havent even told my family about this one because Im not sure how to bring it up in random conversation... oh hey ma! I was pregnant last week but now anymore, how was your day!?
My heart is heavy. My heart is sad. My heart is frustrated.
Monday, January 18, 2016
Friday, January 15, 2016
Déja Vu
This post will be updated over a period of days/weeks, depending on what takes place it may be long or short. But I wanted to make note of how I am feeling and what is going in my life during this time.
December 2015: Dey and I have finally decided that it is time to try again, so that is what we are doing. I have broken out the ovulation tests again (I never really know because I have a strangely long cycle) and we are praying that this time around we will get pregnant and by the end of it all we have a new baby.
December 26/27, 2015: Both of these days I got a positive ovulation (a smiley face to be exact!) and so we all know what this means. My fingers are crossed because we so desperately want to expand our family.
January 1-7, 2016: I hate waiting for it to be the right time to take a pregnancy test. Honestly it is longest wait of MY LIFE! I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm not sure if it's going to happen for us. I dont know why but I dont expect there to be a postive test when it is the right time. I actually have taken quite a few tests.. Im just that impatient even though I know the answer will be negative. I need to do them to keep my mind at ease.
January 8, 2016: Okay! So here I am at work with my impatient self and at lunch I went to shoppers with Eva to blow off some steam... its been a bad day on top of a really bad week..... so I bought another test and decided to take it here at work... THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!! AHHHHHH!!!! I dont know if Im just imagining it or what, but i know its there... i have other tests at home (i tend to buy in bulk) and I will do another one when i get home to see if the results are the same.... I also have broken out in hives and have crazy itchy skin which can happen in pregnancy....
.... So the results are more faint than the one earlier today, but still it was there... Im doing to take another one tomorrow!
January 9, 2016 : Took another test and the second line is there!! Again still a little faint but its definitely there. I am getting a little excited, but nervous at the same time. I'm going to take a digital one tomorrow morning when I first get up to see if it says anything different.
January 10, 2016: Sooooo I took a digital test and it says PREGNANT 1-2 weeks!!! So happy!! So Nervous!! I threw all the tests at Dey and just waited for him to respond. He was like "are you serious!?" We are so excited, but I am still staying very quiet about this and trying not to get too excited about it. I already feel a little different about this one than the last, like this one is more real and I feel more excited, whereas in October I just knew for some reason that it was going to last and even though in my heart I knew it didnt make the hurt any less.
January 14/15, 2016: So everything has been going great so far. I have been super tired, more so than usual, and so far I have been feeling more happy and excited than I did in October, Ive been almost giddy. I have found myself looking in the mirror and watching my belly, as it doesnt grow because its too soon, its only big because Ive been bloated haha So last night as I was getting ready for bed and doing my nightly routine, I went to the bathroom and noticed a little pink after using the bathroom. Immediately my heart sank. I started having some cramps, not as bad a period cramps but bad enough that the only comfy way to lay down was curled in a ball on my side. My mind has been going over this countless times because in October, the friday before i got my positive pregnancy test I had the same thing happen, and I at that time though it was a sign that my period of was starting but got a positive on the monday but the spotting just got gradually worse and ended in a very painful miscarriage. So here I am at work, with some minor lower back pain (might just be how Im sitting) and the pink is a bit more than it was last night. Again its only after finishing up using the bathroom that I see this but its still not making me feel any better about the whole thing. i know that a lot of women have spotting early on in pregnancy but this for me is seriously so hard right now. So many people i know are having kids, and i am happy for them, but its still so hard for me not to be angry and jealous and mad at the world that this isnt happening for me. I really do think that my csection screwed my insides up. I have said this from the moment I had the csection that I was terrified that because of it my chances of having another baby are gone. This morning when I told dey about it all he was sad, not as worried as I am and is still hopeful, but for me I just feel it in my heart that things arent going to work out yet again. I do truly hope I am wrong but still it's hard to be positive when the pain and hurt is still so fresh in my heart from October. Dey said to me, if the same thing happens we just need to keep trying. My response "I dont want to!" I didnt think I would ever want to give up on trying again for more kids, but this is not easy for me. Its hard walking around work knowing there is someone else who accidentally got pregnant and is due when I originally would have been (early June) and here I am and still no baby. I know there are people who have tried and tried for years and I never really thought I could feel the way they do or even a fraction of how they do but I think im getting there. I am so grateful for Dominic and that fact that I have been blessed to be his mother but I want him to have a sibling. I dont feel like my family is complete yet, but there is a chance that it will be. Today is not an easy day for me and I really dont want to go through the same thing again. I havent gone to the doctors yet, but if things continue on I will be making an appointment here shortly to have them send me for probably more tests and probably another ultrasound. I think Im scared to go and be told the same thing as before; there's no baby in there. Ive had heartache before in many different forms but for me I think this is the worst of all. I have only ever wanted to be a mom and although I am, i always thought it would be to more than just my 1 little boy. As much as I say I will be ok with just having the one because he truly is a blessing, I know it will take a really long time to actually really accept and be ok with that fact. Everyday I am praying that I am wrong and praying that Heavenly Fathers plan is for this one to work out and that we can keep it, its just a little hard to hold onto the faith that everything will work out, especially because most times my working out and Heavenly Fathers working out are 2 completely different things. I am currently about as far along as I was when I started to miscarry in October. This is making my hopefulness fade rather fast...
December 2015: Dey and I have finally decided that it is time to try again, so that is what we are doing. I have broken out the ovulation tests again (I never really know because I have a strangely long cycle) and we are praying that this time around we will get pregnant and by the end of it all we have a new baby.
December 26/27, 2015: Both of these days I got a positive ovulation (a smiley face to be exact!) and so we all know what this means. My fingers are crossed because we so desperately want to expand our family.
January 1-7, 2016: I hate waiting for it to be the right time to take a pregnancy test. Honestly it is longest wait of MY LIFE! I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm not sure if it's going to happen for us. I dont know why but I dont expect there to be a postive test when it is the right time. I actually have taken quite a few tests.. Im just that impatient even though I know the answer will be negative. I need to do them to keep my mind at ease.
January 8, 2016: Okay! So here I am at work with my impatient self and at lunch I went to shoppers with Eva to blow off some steam... its been a bad day on top of a really bad week..... so I bought another test and decided to take it here at work... THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!! AHHHHHH!!!! I dont know if Im just imagining it or what, but i know its there... i have other tests at home (i tend to buy in bulk) and I will do another one when i get home to see if the results are the same.... I also have broken out in hives and have crazy itchy skin which can happen in pregnancy....
.... So the results are more faint than the one earlier today, but still it was there... Im doing to take another one tomorrow!
January 9, 2016 : Took another test and the second line is there!! Again still a little faint but its definitely there. I am getting a little excited, but nervous at the same time. I'm going to take a digital one tomorrow morning when I first get up to see if it says anything different.
January 10, 2016: Sooooo I took a digital test and it says PREGNANT 1-2 weeks!!! So happy!! So Nervous!! I threw all the tests at Dey and just waited for him to respond. He was like "are you serious!?" We are so excited, but I am still staying very quiet about this and trying not to get too excited about it. I already feel a little different about this one than the last, like this one is more real and I feel more excited, whereas in October I just knew for some reason that it was going to last and even though in my heart I knew it didnt make the hurt any less.
January 14/15, 2016: So everything has been going great so far. I have been super tired, more so than usual, and so far I have been feeling more happy and excited than I did in October, Ive been almost giddy. I have found myself looking in the mirror and watching my belly, as it doesnt grow because its too soon, its only big because Ive been bloated haha So last night as I was getting ready for bed and doing my nightly routine, I went to the bathroom and noticed a little pink after using the bathroom. Immediately my heart sank. I started having some cramps, not as bad a period cramps but bad enough that the only comfy way to lay down was curled in a ball on my side. My mind has been going over this countless times because in October, the friday before i got my positive pregnancy test I had the same thing happen, and I at that time though it was a sign that my period of was starting but got a positive on the monday but the spotting just got gradually worse and ended in a very painful miscarriage. So here I am at work, with some minor lower back pain (might just be how Im sitting) and the pink is a bit more than it was last night. Again its only after finishing up using the bathroom that I see this but its still not making me feel any better about the whole thing. i know that a lot of women have spotting early on in pregnancy but this for me is seriously so hard right now. So many people i know are having kids, and i am happy for them, but its still so hard for me not to be angry and jealous and mad at the world that this isnt happening for me. I really do think that my csection screwed my insides up. I have said this from the moment I had the csection that I was terrified that because of it my chances of having another baby are gone. This morning when I told dey about it all he was sad, not as worried as I am and is still hopeful, but for me I just feel it in my heart that things arent going to work out yet again. I do truly hope I am wrong but still it's hard to be positive when the pain and hurt is still so fresh in my heart from October. Dey said to me, if the same thing happens we just need to keep trying. My response "I dont want to!" I didnt think I would ever want to give up on trying again for more kids, but this is not easy for me. Its hard walking around work knowing there is someone else who accidentally got pregnant and is due when I originally would have been (early June) and here I am and still no baby. I know there are people who have tried and tried for years and I never really thought I could feel the way they do or even a fraction of how they do but I think im getting there. I am so grateful for Dominic and that fact that I have been blessed to be his mother but I want him to have a sibling. I dont feel like my family is complete yet, but there is a chance that it will be. Today is not an easy day for me and I really dont want to go through the same thing again. I havent gone to the doctors yet, but if things continue on I will be making an appointment here shortly to have them send me for probably more tests and probably another ultrasound. I think Im scared to go and be told the same thing as before; there's no baby in there. Ive had heartache before in many different forms but for me I think this is the worst of all. I have only ever wanted to be a mom and although I am, i always thought it would be to more than just my 1 little boy. As much as I say I will be ok with just having the one because he truly is a blessing, I know it will take a really long time to actually really accept and be ok with that fact. Everyday I am praying that I am wrong and praying that Heavenly Fathers plan is for this one to work out and that we can keep it, its just a little hard to hold onto the faith that everything will work out, especially because most times my working out and Heavenly Fathers working out are 2 completely different things. I am currently about as far along as I was when I started to miscarry in October. This is making my hopefulness fade rather fast...
... So after coming home from work my heart just knew. I sat here crying so bad and praying to god that if this pregnancy wasn't going to last then have it end now and not make me wait as long as I did last time. He answered my prayer. At 4am I woke up & was having another miscarriage. My heart is heavy. It is hurting. I have so many questions. I don't know why this has happened yet again. Wanting a bigger family is a good desire but apparently it's not meant to be right now. Dey says it's a trial but it's a trial I am over enduring. I just don't know why he would answer my prayer of getting pregnant but he wouldn't answer my prayer to keep it. I'm not mad at god but right now I don't understand him and why this has become my life.
I really don't know if I'm willing to try to have another kid if I have to keep suffering through these miscarriages.
The Boy Who Won't Sit Still
Dominic is now 22 months old... yes sometimes I still use months to describe his age... and he is on the go all the time. It is very rare that he is sitting still for more than a couple minutes at a time. Sometimes I'm not sure how to keep up with him or what to do. I just sit there and watch him as he runs around touching everything in site.
He constantly has bruises and is hitting/banging something on his body and coming to me to kiss it better. Everyday he is hurting himself.
So the other day, Wednesday to be exact, I drove myself to work because it was so cold that Dey didnt think it was a good idea to make Dominic go out in the cold, especially because he was still sleeping. When the day was done I was making good time going home that I quickly stopped into Walmart to pick up a couple of things. I only took my wallet in and left my purse and phone in the car. When I got back in my car I noticed I had 6 missed calls from Dey but because we are just up the road from the walmart I didnt bother calling him back.
I walk into the house and Dominic is running as per usual and Dey is there with tears in his eyes and I asked him what was wrong and then I saw. Dominic had this gash in his forehead. Apparently he was standing on Deys back when he was laying on the floor and when Dey told him to sit down he dove head first into the couch and cut open his head.
We went to the emergency room at the childrens hospital and waited a long while for them to do anything about it. We were told it would either be glue or stitches but since he was young and its hard for kids his age to be still glue might not be a good idea. Apparently if he moves while having the glue put in it could burn and not go in properly and would need to be taken out and put back in. So we opted for the stitches.
2 stitches and a lot of screams and tears later everything was done. My poor little boy has this giant scar (giant to me at least) in the middle of his forehead. I put vitamin e cream on it everyday and hope that it will eventually fade.
Sometimes this little boy never learns because he is still to this day head diving off the couch and hurting himself on the regular. I dont think he will ever learn to sit still.
He constantly has bruises and is hitting/banging something on his body and coming to me to kiss it better. Everyday he is hurting himself.
So the other day, Wednesday to be exact, I drove myself to work because it was so cold that Dey didnt think it was a good idea to make Dominic go out in the cold, especially because he was still sleeping. When the day was done I was making good time going home that I quickly stopped into Walmart to pick up a couple of things. I only took my wallet in and left my purse and phone in the car. When I got back in my car I noticed I had 6 missed calls from Dey but because we are just up the road from the walmart I didnt bother calling him back.
I walk into the house and Dominic is running as per usual and Dey is there with tears in his eyes and I asked him what was wrong and then I saw. Dominic had this gash in his forehead. Apparently he was standing on Deys back when he was laying on the floor and when Dey told him to sit down he dove head first into the couch and cut open his head.
We went to the emergency room at the childrens hospital and waited a long while for them to do anything about it. We were told it would either be glue or stitches but since he was young and its hard for kids his age to be still glue might not be a good idea. Apparently if he moves while having the glue put in it could burn and not go in properly and would need to be taken out and put back in. So we opted for the stitches.
2 stitches and a lot of screams and tears later everything was done. My poor little boy has this giant scar (giant to me at least) in the middle of his forehead. I put vitamin e cream on it everyday and hope that it will eventually fade.
Sometimes this little boy never learns because he is still to this day head diving off the couch and hurting himself on the regular. I dont think he will ever learn to sit still.
Tuesday, November 10, 2015
Moving Forward
It's been a couple weeks now and it has gotten easier coping with the fact that I am not longer pregnant. I do however have to be mindful of any pain I might be having because it could be the 6cm cyst they saw rupturing, which I hope never happens. I did get confirmation from my doctor that this will not prevent me from trying again when I am ready.
I have been researching and talking to those around me who have had miscarriages and asking them how long they waited before they tried again. It's funny because people who are not from north america were shocked that we were told that we should wait 2-3 months before trying because they have been told by their doctors and midwives that if they are ready they can try right away because your body is ready for this and hyper fertile right now. I have looked into different things people have said on different forums and they all say the same thing. So pretty much, if you feel like you are ready you should go ahead and start trying again.
So knowing that I am not pregnant right now has made me a little sad that my June deadline for working will be pushed back. I have always said that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and we have talked about when I get pregnant again that I just wont go back to work afterwards. We are trying to get 6 months worth of bills saved up so that way we have a cushion for whenever that day may be.
In the meantime I am just trying to love my son even more than I already do (if that's possible) because after everything I have gone through it is more clear to me that babies, although an often occurrence in the world, are very special and a miracle every single time.
I love kids and I love my child, and if he is the only one I am blessed with then I will be happy with that. I will have sad moments but I still will love my child more than anything in the world and be happy that he is mine forever!
Thursday, October 29, 2015
The Feelings Of Loss
Almost 2 years ago I was blessed by having my dream come true and became a mom. This is something I have always wanted and have waited so long for. I have found my calling in life. With being a mom I have always known that I wanted a big family and don't want to have an only child. So with that being said Dey and I have talked about when would be a good time to make an addition to the family and give Dominic a sibling. Because I was on contract with work I knew I needed to work for a minimum of 6 months before I could leave for mat leave again. So we figured out timelines and decided that if I went back to work freshly pregnant or got pregnant shortly thereafter it would be great. December of 2014 we decided we would start trying. Months passed and still no plus sign when tests were taken. Then in spring I was told about my teeth problems and about the copious amounts of dental work in my near future. So we had to put plan baby #2 on hold. I think The Lord had a hand in me not getting pregnant during those previous months because I wouldn't be able to be pregnant and be sedated and have this work done. Once my wisdom teeth came out we knew the plan was back on. Now I don't know my body as well as others and I'm not on the "normal" side of things so many ovulation tests were bought and when the smiley face showed up we were happy to know that my body was doing it's part just later than others.
Friday before thanksgiving I had some light spotting but this for me is normal when my period is about to come so I figured that things just didn't happen that month. By Monday things weren't happening so just to shut my mind I took a test. I noticed more spotting and thought "great I just wasted a pregnancy test" so after all was said and done I looked at my wasted test and lo and behold there were 2 lines! I was so excited that my plans on surprising Dey turned into me walking into the room while he was changing Dominic's diaper waiving the test around saying look!! A few more tests were done that week to be sure and that Friday I confirmed with my doctor. I mentioned that I had been spotting almost everyday and she decided blood work every 2 days for 6 days (so 3 total) would be good to track my HCG levels. I hate needles so I was clearly overjoyed. On the Wednesday I went in for my first set of blood work with the second and third set to be on the Friday and then Sunday.
Friday I had to go into work early so I could leave early for my blood work so I went to bed at a decent hour on Thursday night. I had some minor cramping and thought nothing of it. At about 3 am I woke up in a lot of pain. To me I was hoping it was just gas or something of that nature so I just let it go. The pain subsided a small amount and so I was at work. While at work I was keeled over because that was the only way I could get any sort of relief. I finally message Dey at 11:30 telling him to come get me. I left around noon and we headed home. After some debating, with myself, I decided we should go to my doctor as a walk in and see what they had to say. They listened to what I was saying and sent me for an emergency ultrasound in Airdrie (only place available) and we left right away because the appointment was for 2 and it was now shortly after 1.
While at the clinic I had 2 types of ultrasound done, external and internal. They saw something measuring around 6cms just outside my left ovary where all my pain was coming from and they couldn't see anything in the uterus. The doctor came in and told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital so away we went.
We got to the hospital and spent many hours talking with nurses and doctors, getting exams and blood work done. They put an IV in just in case they needed more than the 8 vials they already took. Dominic was the hit with the nurses which warranted him getting and EMT stuffed moose.
After talking with the OB he was fairly certain it was an ectopic pregnancy and we had 3 options.
1. Get blood work every 2 days and then get an ultrasound at the end of the week and go from there. But this means I couldn't be left alone for fear my Fallopian tube could burst.
2. Give me the shot that would terminate the pregnancy naturally. The doctor crossed this out because he doesn't like to do it when they can't 100% say it is tubal. Because I have an extra long cycle the dates could be off and they could just not see anything in the uterus and what they were seeing next to my ovary might be normal or nothing at all. So if they did this option then there would be no way in knowing if it was actually a viable pregnancy or not.
3. Have laparoscopic surgery, they look around and see if they can see the fetus and remove it or if they see nothing get out and go back to option 1 but if they do see it they would remove it and try their best to not harm the tube but more often than not the tube has to go as well which would mean only ovulating every second month instead of every month.
So here I am faced with this decision, terrified about what's happening. Knowing that things are not good. I should also mention that the week before I got a blessing and although it didn't mention anything about the viability of my pregnancy I knew the moment it started that this pregnancy wouldn't last. Even though I knew in my heart it didn't keep me from being sad and scared.
Dey and I decided to go with option 1 and go from there. The silver lining was that I would have the week off work.
I went home so heart broken and terrified knowing what could happen. Best case scenario everything would be fine but that was slim to none. Next best thing was that I would miscarry.
So Sunday I had more blood work done and on Monday I had an appointment with my doctor who said my HCG levels dropped drastically and that I would be miscarrying. That same afternoon I got an email from a midwifery clinic saying they had a spot open for me and I also started to pass some tissue. Monday was not a good day. No day has been a good day really. I had more blood work on Tuesday and again today. I also had another ultrasound today, both internal and external. They still see something outside my ovary but smaller than before and no blood flow around it. Also my uterus is not thick and there is no fluid left. All and all today I was told the obvious but it was still hard to hear that want you wanted so desperately is not going to happen for a while. But it looks like I've miscarried out of the tube so no surgery, for now. They're letting my doctor decide about what's left by my ovary.
My heart has been heavy and sad. I have been upset, frustrated and angry at the world. I want to go back in time and not go through this. I want to stay on my couch and not move. I want to never go to work again. I just hate that this has happened. Everyday it seems like 5 more people are announcing their births of their babies or that they are expecting.
I also found out that by having a c section it increases your odds of having an ectopic pregnancy. Thanks doctors for that one.
I know that I will one day have more kids and I know that there are people out there who have had it worse than I have but for me this has been harder than I could have imagined. The feeling of loss is a different kind than I have experienced before. The feeling of loss is something I never want to feel again and would never wish on anyone. The feeling of loss is something I won't be able to get over for what seems like the rest of my life.
One day I had a baby growing inside and then I didn't anymore.
Friday, September 4, 2015
Dental Woes
Ok! So as stated previously I have a lot of issues going on in my mouth, mostly cavities and me needing my wisdom teeth removed. I have been doing to the dentist and so far I have had 6 fillings done and still have a lovely 8 to go. I will be back at the dentist to use up the remaining of my coverage to fill I think 1 more tooth.
Speaking of coverage, I had to find out that wisdom teeth removal falls under "routine" dental work and not major so because I dont have like any coverage left I had to pay for all of ot (1,725$) out of my own pocket. This was not what I wanted to do but at the end of the day they needed to come out so I had to do it.
Last week I went to the oral surgeons and of course I was super nervous and because I was getting sedated I wasnt allowed to eat so I was also really hungry.
I met with the nurses and talked with the surgeon and he told me about the procedure and how it only takes about 30 minutes and then its the waking up part and getting ready to go that takes the longest.
So finally when they came and got me I was so nervous. They had me lay down and they put the mask on and said it would only take about 30 seconds or so. It felt like longer and the anesthesiologist said how it was laughing gas and I burst into laughter and he said, at least someone thinks my jokes are funny. Then I woke up in the recovery room with a mean nurse who wasn't considerate of my fears at all and kept saying, in a rude way, it's only the tape, don't tell me you can swollow because you can and other things that I can't remember. I was in a lot of pain but finally I got to leave. I remember before leaving they said they couldn't find Dey and I started to cry and told them he was the bald Spanish guy on his phone by the right back window. They found him. We left. I only wanted chocolate pudding and recovery sucked. I'm glad it's over with but now I'm being told root canals and crowns are in my future. Let this be a lesson to all, do not wait to go to the dentist for 10+ years because it's not cheap or painless.
Speaking of coverage, I had to find out that wisdom teeth removal falls under "routine" dental work and not major so because I dont have like any coverage left I had to pay for all of ot (1,725$) out of my own pocket. This was not what I wanted to do but at the end of the day they needed to come out so I had to do it.
Last week I went to the oral surgeons and of course I was super nervous and because I was getting sedated I wasnt allowed to eat so I was also really hungry.
I met with the nurses and talked with the surgeon and he told me about the procedure and how it only takes about 30 minutes and then its the waking up part and getting ready to go that takes the longest.
So finally when they came and got me I was so nervous. They had me lay down and they put the mask on and said it would only take about 30 seconds or so. It felt like longer and the anesthesiologist said how it was laughing gas and I burst into laughter and he said, at least someone thinks my jokes are funny. Then I woke up in the recovery room with a mean nurse who wasn't considerate of my fears at all and kept saying, in a rude way, it's only the tape, don't tell me you can swollow because you can and other things that I can't remember. I was in a lot of pain but finally I got to leave. I remember before leaving they said they couldn't find Dey and I started to cry and told them he was the bald Spanish guy on his phone by the right back window. They found him. We left. I only wanted chocolate pudding and recovery sucked. I'm glad it's over with but now I'm being told root canals and crowns are in my future. Let this be a lesson to all, do not wait to go to the dentist for 10+ years because it's not cheap or painless.
Wednesday, July 29, 2015
Dear Dominic
Dear Dominic,
You have changed my life in so many ways. I have always known that I loved babies and that I wanted them, but when the time came down to it that I was my time to be a mom I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. There was no turning back when the test read yes. I had many feelings go through me over the course of being pregnant.... a big one being that I hated being pregnant.
The early morning when I knew you were coming (turned out to be the next morning when you finally arrived) I was scared out of my mind. I wasn't sure what to expect and I wanted to keep you inside forever! I wasn't ready for you just yet, and thought I had more time, but you were ready for me!
You came in a fashion that I wasn't expecting at all and really wasn't happy about, but you came into this world and everything changed. When the doctors said I had a beautiful baby boy I laid there on the operating table and yelled out "I have a baby!!" I didn't cry like I thought I would because I think I was too tired (it had been over 24 hours) and hungry and pumped full of drugs. But boy was I excited to meet you. I was so excited that minutes after you arrived I yelled out "are we done yet?" and the doctors all laughed. I wasn't joking, I wanted to be stitched up and holding my baby. It was another 40 minutes or so until they wheeled me into recovery and I got to actually look at you real good. Sorry for saying you looked like an alien... it was the drugs...
It is amazing how instantly the love I didn't know I had for you grew in a tremendous way. You were not just some baby I got to hold, you were MY baby. You were my dream come true. You are the reason I am alive today. I was meant to be your mother and you my son.
It is crazy to think that we were destined to be together, but it's the truth.
Your father loves you so much as well and I know he is jealous about some of the things that we get to share, as if it is our own secret club. Your father loves you just as much as I do, but you are the only one who has heard my heartbeat from the inside. You grew inside of me, and although it was not a pleasant experience for me, I would do it all again in a heartbeat because you were the reward.
You are the perfect little boy. You have such attitude already and are growing in so many ways. You amaze me with how fast you learn things and how easily you love when you don't really understand the meaning just yet.
Your love is a pure love that has yet to be introduced to the bad things of this world. I pray that you will always love as if you are child, without any reservations, and that you continue to learn and grow, although it pains me to see you growing so fast.
I wish that you will always speak your mind, as you do already, and that you are willing to be kind to those around you.
I hope that you will stop pulling hair and pinching and that you will learn that being gentle is a good thing. Girl will be upset if you do this to them, and guys will probably punch you for it.
You are my son, my first born, my love and my life. I am grateful that I am your momma and that no matter what I will always be there for you.
Dominic Jensen Rivera, thank you for completing my life and making it whole and for making me your mother.
I love you crazy amounts.
Love Mom
You have changed my life in so many ways. I have always known that I loved babies and that I wanted them, but when the time came down to it that I was my time to be a mom I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. There was no turning back when the test read yes. I had many feelings go through me over the course of being pregnant.... a big one being that I hated being pregnant.
The early morning when I knew you were coming (turned out to be the next morning when you finally arrived) I was scared out of my mind. I wasn't sure what to expect and I wanted to keep you inside forever! I wasn't ready for you just yet, and thought I had more time, but you were ready for me!
You came in a fashion that I wasn't expecting at all and really wasn't happy about, but you came into this world and everything changed. When the doctors said I had a beautiful baby boy I laid there on the operating table and yelled out "I have a baby!!" I didn't cry like I thought I would because I think I was too tired (it had been over 24 hours) and hungry and pumped full of drugs. But boy was I excited to meet you. I was so excited that minutes after you arrived I yelled out "are we done yet?" and the doctors all laughed. I wasn't joking, I wanted to be stitched up and holding my baby. It was another 40 minutes or so until they wheeled me into recovery and I got to actually look at you real good. Sorry for saying you looked like an alien... it was the drugs...
It is amazing how instantly the love I didn't know I had for you grew in a tremendous way. You were not just some baby I got to hold, you were MY baby. You were my dream come true. You are the reason I am alive today. I was meant to be your mother and you my son.
It is crazy to think that we were destined to be together, but it's the truth.
Your father loves you so much as well and I know he is jealous about some of the things that we get to share, as if it is our own secret club. Your father loves you just as much as I do, but you are the only one who has heard my heartbeat from the inside. You grew inside of me, and although it was not a pleasant experience for me, I would do it all again in a heartbeat because you were the reward.
You are the perfect little boy. You have such attitude already and are growing in so many ways. You amaze me with how fast you learn things and how easily you love when you don't really understand the meaning just yet.
Your love is a pure love that has yet to be introduced to the bad things of this world. I pray that you will always love as if you are child, without any reservations, and that you continue to learn and grow, although it pains me to see you growing so fast.
I wish that you will always speak your mind, as you do already, and that you are willing to be kind to those around you.
I hope that you will stop pulling hair and pinching and that you will learn that being gentle is a good thing. Girl will be upset if you do this to them, and guys will probably punch you for it.
You are my son, my first born, my love and my life. I am grateful that I am your momma and that no matter what I will always be there for you.
Dominic Jensen Rivera, thank you for completing my life and making it whole and for making me your mother.
I love you crazy amounts.
Love Mom
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