Back to Work

On January 16th, 2015 I did the hardest thing I have had to do in a really long time. I had to go back to work. When I left last December I signed an agreement that I would go back for a minimum of 6 months or else I would have to pay back what they paid me. When I signed it I looked at the paperwork and said to myself "oh yeah i'll definitely want to go back to work" Little did I know I would love being a mom so much more than anything else I've ever done. About 3 months into my maternity leave the countdown began as I was already dreading going back to work.
Well the year came and went and so I was headed back to work. I cried the night before when I was putting Dominic into bed as I knew in the morning I wouldn't be able to spend the entire day with him anymore. For the first time in a year I actually took the time to get ready and look decent. This in turn made me feel better about myself and I have been doing it everyday.
So that first day when I got dropped off I went to the backseat and said goodbye to Dominic and the tears started to pour. I collected myself enough to get into the building and make it to the elevator. Well, then I saw Eva and she asked me how I was doing and the tears started again. So many people would ask me how I was doing and again my tears would start. Needless to say that Friday was spent holding back the tears and walking around talking to people because my desk and such wasn't set up yet. Thankfully it was a Friday and an easy day.
I have been back for a little over 3 weeks now and honestly it is not any easier. There are still most nights where I put Dominic down and I cry because I miss him terribly. I want to spend all day with him again, but I don't get to do that. I am working Monday-Friday 830-5 so I see Dominic for about 30 mins in the morning and then in the evening I get home close to 6 and he goes to bed around 730/8 which means I only see him for about 2.5 hours out of the day. This is not easy for me. I am doing fine at work and have gotten back into the groove of things, but it is nothing like I want my days to be like. I have actually had to ask for more work to do because there isn't enough for me, but there are some changes happening and I am getting more responsibility with things so my days will start getting busier so the 6 months can fly by.
I have never looked forward so much to weekends, and have never hated them so much when they are over. I cannot wait for the day when I don't have to work anymore and can stay at home with my baby.

Bill Frank

Bill Frank was the man at church who I never used to like. When he was new to our ward he was called into the young mens presidency and somehow I ended up in the garbage can. From that point on that story was brought up almost every time we saw each other. 
I remember going to his house and eating his 4 course meals, and this one time he had turnips in his mashed potatoes and I couldn’t understand why I hated the potatoes so much until after I ate them all and that was when they told me. I would also eat his peppermint patties that he had in his pantry and also his Lays BBQ chips. I remember that he always had pepsi in his pantry but my parents would never let me have one so I would have a rootbeer instead. 
There were many times that we would be at their house just to hang out. We would play crib together or just visit. We even watched the 2002 Mens Olympics Gold Medal Hockey game at his house. There was another time that he had a Christmas party and paid me 20$ to help taking peoples jackets.  There were many YM/YW mutual activities at his house that involved cooking, or firesides. 
I remember going to his house and seeing the copious amounts of pictures on his fridge and then I noticed I made it up on the fridge. Oh my that picture was horrible! I legit looked like a lion in a baby blue gap hoodie. But it felt nice knowing that he loved me enough to have me on the fridge with the rest of his family and close friends. 
I remember spending many Sundays sitting with him at church and eating his candy that he brought with him. He was a gentle man, although it took me a while to see that. He always said what was on his mind and didn’t care who he offended by saying it and justified himself because he was an old man. He always commented on how good a girl looked and called her a fox. He would always ask me if I was dating anyone yet and I would say no. 
When Dey and I got engaged and dropped the bombshell that we would not be getting married in the temple right away he heard the news from my mom and sent me an extremely long email and proceeded to say he wasn’t judging me but… and I was hurt and offended. I didn’t think I would ever be able to forgive him for the words he said to me. I know it was out of love and concern for me but it just came at a time where things were already bad and it made it worse so I didn’t care what he had to say. 
When I came home I wasn’t really ready to see him just yet, but I knew that it would happen. I saw him first when we went to the ward Christmas party and it was hard for me not to just ignore him. He came up to me and I could feel the anger that had been there for so long creeping up and he gave me a hug, and I reluctantly hugged him back. But even though I was mad at him still, his hug was warm and familiar. He played with Dominic and he loved Bill just as Bill loved him, and I joked around with him as if nothing had ever happened, but still not completely over the email thing. 
When I went through the Temple for the first time and he found out he was a little hurt that we didn’t let him know because he said that he would have been there for me. I didn’t care really because I didn’t really want him there. Then when we got the go ahead to get sealed my mom asked me if we should invite Bill and Ellen, and I said I guess we could but I didn’t want to call him, so mom sent an email. Now since it was last minute I wasn’t going to be upset if he didn’t make it. I still wasn’t feeling all the love towards him. But he did show up and when he hugged me afterwards he had tears in his eyes and he said is usual “You know I love ya girl” and I knew in that moment I was so grateful for him being there for it. He made that day so much more special but I didn’t know just how much until he passed away. 
I wanted to go visit the franks before I left to come back to Calgary but I didn’t get a chance to. And I didn’t get to say goodbye to him in person because church that week had been cancelled. But Bill gave me a call the day before I left to say goodbye and that he loved me and wished me all the best and hoped that we enjoyed ourselves while being home. He could never just say it simply, he always sounded like a hallmark card to me when giving someone well wishes. It was just so Bill Frank and I loved it. 
The day after I got back to Calgary was the Sunday everyone who knew Bill Frank lives changed. It was the biggest shock to me. I don’t know how it could have happened and I don’t think I will ever understand why it happened. I am still having a hard time accepting the fact that he passed away. I think I’ve cried more over him than I did my own grandfather, mostly because I knew my grandfather would pass sooner rather than later because he was so sick and was never getting out of the hospital. 
I think, looking back on it, the lord made it possible for us to get sealed and allowed me to soften my heart and have Bill and Ellen at the sealing mostly because he knew Bill wouldn’t be around much longer and it made him happy to see me there because hes only ever wanted the best for me. I still haven’t read the email he sent me, but I will one day when I have the strength to do it. I am so happy he was there and that I got to see him and hug him one last time. 
The crazy thing is that since hes passed away I’ve dreamt of him twice. One time we were just in the same place at the same time but he wasn’t able to speak to me. The next time hit me really hard. I dreamt that I was home at church and there were some choirs singing and someones dog pooped on the stage, not sure why there was a dog there but there was. Then my mom had to sing and she was deserting me and I was so upset that I didn’t have someone to sit with. Then I saw Heather Bruce sitting there waving me over to sit with her. When I got there she was sitting with Ellen and my dad. My dad moved over so I could sit between him and Ellen. As I sat down and looked at my dad I saw that Bill was sitting next to him and that he was smiling at me. I told everyone he was there and they all said he wasn’t and that he was gone, but I kept fighting them to tell them he was there. Then I woke up balling my eyes out. It was hard on me for the rest of the day. 
I loved Bill Frank, even though he wasn’t always my favorite person, he was an amazing loving man who meant more to me than just the man at church with the big voice who couldn’t whisper and said what was on his mind. Bill Frank to me was family. Hes like the crazy uncle people are sometimes embarrassed by but love more than anything in the world. I feel so blessed to have had him in my life and to have had him at my sealing. I know that if we didn’t invite him I would feel horrible about myself and wished that I had forgiven him in my heart for the words he had once said to me. 
Bill, you know I love ya!

Nova Scotia pt.3

While being at home really didn't snow at all. There were a few flurries but never any real snow. And then all of a sudden the snow came and it stayed, for a little bit. But it made things look so beautiful!

Dey loves sea food and there was no way he was visiting NS without going to get some good ol fashioned seas food. We went to Warf Wraps down on the boardwalk and it is honestly one of the best places. We all got food, obviously mine had nothing to do with sea food, and it was so delicious. Dey loved it and hadn't seen a fish and chip platter have a fish that big. Dominic even loved the fries... which really isn't saying much because he loves any food that you give him off your plate pretty much... yes hes a dog I think.

Dominic loves snooping around the house and ended up in my moms room for a good 20 minutes or more playing with her drawers. He is also wearing his leggings and mocs from TeePeeTots&Co that he got for Christmas. Honestly they are so cute and a good price. I want to get more, especially because they make shorts too and I think that Dominic will look amazingly cute in them this summer.

So Dey left and we miss him like crazy but we are finding things to do for our last week here, which is so surreal to think that I am on my last week being at home. Dey left without his favourite hat because he lost it. We honestly looked every where, and called a bunch of places to see if it was left there but we had no luck. Then Josh and Lyla came by and mom mentioned it Josh only for him to say he hid it and pulled it out from behind a couch pillow. Honestly what a sense of relief because Dey was so super sad about not having his hat and I didn't want him to not have his favorite hat. So to tell Dey we had it we put it on Dominic and took a picture to send to him.

Of course because Lyla and Josh were here and it was going to be our last day together I had to get another picture. I hate that we live so far away from family, especially the cutest girl I know. I wish AB and NS were a short drive away instead of a 5 hour plane ride that cost 600 +. I miss family.

This girl has my heart and has since the day she was born. Shes the best 6 year old I know, and is super funny and smart and has the cutest voice and I could just be with her forever.

This was the first time she really held him herself and it took some pressuring for her do so. She was a little jealous of him being around and so it was hard for her to really want to socialize with him. But this picture to me is just the cutest.

I wanted to get a picture of Josh and Dominic together and Lyla wanted to get in on it, and it breaks my heart a little every time I see it because we aren't closer to them and Josh loved playing and hanging out with Dominic, and it makes me happy to know I have a loving family.

When I was planning on coming home I decided that it would be a good idea to bring our swimming gear because I want Dominic to be a lover of the water like I am, so finally on our last week being there we went swimming... the water was super warm which is great because the kiddie pools here aren't that warm. The issue we had was that we forgot the towels, and by we I mean me. I forgot the towels and had to use my sweater to dry us of. luckily it wasn't that cold out so we didn't freeze.

We spent a day in our pjs and snuggled after being up until 1am after watching the bachelor. It was so great spending time with the girls, and having the company I don't get to enjoy being out here in Calgary. It was also super nice having the day to just spend all curled up together.

He wanted to get into the empty diaper box, and it was so funny because he spent a good while just sitting in it, and when he wanted out he would lean far enough over that he would just plop out of it.+

Being home at the same time as friends with babies are means baby cuddles and holding onto an almost 1 year old because you can. I love Sophia and it makes me want another baby really bad.

Of course coming up to the end of our trip means getting in as much papa cuddles in as much as we possibly can because who knows the next time we will get to go home and visit him. And they are the best of friends so they need to spend a lot of time together.

We made it to the airport and there were a lot of tears shed by all, minus Dominic. I honestly hate saying goodbye and hate that we live so far away from my parents. They love Dominic so much and want to spend so much time with him and being so far away is so hard for all. I miss them terribly and hate that the computer is the only way we ccan see each other, but it makes me thankful for modern day technology that allows me to do that.

Overall our trip was AMAZING and I want to go back asap! Dominic did so well on the plane ride home, he slept through take off and landing, but pooped 3 times during the flight... not so much fun!

I love my family, and I love my home, and I hope I get to go there again and maybe move there one day.

Nova Scotia pt 2

So Christmas came around and of course because it is tradition we went to the nativity pageant and it felt as if I had never left home. I just love being home and I love our small nativity. To me that is Christmas.

Josh said that he was getting bored and needed things to do to entertain Lyla over the holidays and so I told him he could come with me and Dey to Peggy's Cove, and he did. He and Lyla ran all around while Dey and I kept it a little more low key as it was freezing and poor Dominic didn't like the cold.

We had to get family shots in with the lighthouse in the background. Its the most attractive angle but whatever.

Christmas eve came and I had adapted to the Pyjama Fairy tradition a few years back and so on Christmas eve we open our pjs. This year was Dominics first Christmas and it was really his first time having presents to open. He wasn't quite sure what to do and was more interested in the paper, but I was just so excited that he was home in NS with my family and getting to experience his first big holiday with them.

Of course we all got pjs and had to get a picture by the tree. We didn't do a picture last year by the tree mostly because we were alone and there was no one else to take a picture for us, and because I felt like I looked like a house I was so big and swollen from being pregnant.

I was so excited for Christmas morning so we could see Dominics reaction to things. But first we went to Joshs because he had to get Lyla back to Julias so we wanted to open gifts with her. When we got there she was so sick and throwing up in between opening gifts but then was ready to open another gift right away. We had breakfast there as well. It was a good morning spent with the cutest 6 year old I know.

Dominic did really well at not touching the tree the whole time it was up. I made sure that my parents decorated when he was asleep so he wouldn't see us touching it and therefore he wouldn't really notice it being there. He touched it maybe twice on Christmas Day and that was it. I took some more pictures of him opening his gifts. Again he wasn't super excited about the gifts part but he did have a couple he wanted to play with the moment they were unwrapped.

His stocking was something he was unsure of, so he looked at it then of course, we opened it for him.

He loved it when grandma would read to him, and Im pretty sure we have a picture of mom and Lyla in the same chair and shirt on her first Christmas. Honestly, being near my parents was the best thing I have ever done.

While being at home I went through a bunch of my old pictures and none of them looked like Dominic, but I did think I had some keepers in there. I cannot believe how blonde and young and tiny I was.

On boxing day we went bowling, and it was the first time Dey and I had gone bowling together, and I bowled really bad the first game, which is typical, but my second game was great for me! I was shocked I did so well. It was fun hanging with my parents and doing this as they are on a bowling league and do this on a weekly basis.

So on the sunday before Christmas we got a text message from Shelley who lives upstairs that our letters came and so we had her fedex them to us and we talked to a member of a the stake presidency and asked him what he think would be ok for us to do and then my dad called the temple president and then he made a couple calls and we got the approval to be sealed while being at home. Saturday December 27th we became an eternal family. It was so great. Joanne Chatham watched Dominic until he needed to be brought in. Laura, Jeremy, the Franks, Heather Bruce, my parents, uncle Paul, and my Nanny were there. Dominic was so sweet in his white outfit and so calm and sweet. Honestly, Dey and I could not be more happy to see him in there with us and his sweet spirit just added to the experience. Honestly seeing him and feeling the way we did when he came in made everything well worth it and made me so much more happy that we went the route we did.

I love my little family. And I cannot wait for the next big chapter in our lives, whatever it may be.

After the temple we went home, got dressed and then headed out playing tourist again. This time one of the stops included my grampies grave. It was hard to keep my emotions in check because it didn't really hit me that he was gone until I saw it. He always loved peppermints so instead of fake flowers I brought him those because I know he would much rather that than flowers. I miss that man, and miss him everyday, and wish I could have said goodbye to him one last time.

We went to Lawrence Town beach and it was beautiful. Cold, but beautiful. I love the ocean and I wish we lived closer to it. It always made me wish we were home in the summer time because then we could go in the water and not overly freeze.

On the 28th we got to bless Dominic. We were waiting to bless him until we had family to assist in it, and we did. Josh, my dad, the bishop, Dey and uncle Paul all assisted. This trip was amazing, we did so much for our family while we were there. I was so happy.

Laura and Jeremy, and of course Little Sophia were there and we were super happy to have a few more friendly faces to enjoy in our happy days together.

Dey, Dad, Dominic and I took the ferry over to downtown Halifax and walked around a bit and again it makes me miss being there so much more. I miss my family and I miss my home.

Going through old things I came across all of my old girls camp awards, and this one by far is better and more funny than the rest. We gave each other nicknames and for some reason I got stuck with pubert and it made me think of puberty and so that's the award I got.

Josh gave Dominic new pjs and he got them because they say "I dig staying up" which is fitting for Dominic because hes up a lot throughout the night. I think they are just too cute, and they make him look so grown up.

Dey went to the Primerica office in Halifax and said he wouldn't take long, so here were sitting in the cold car trying to pass time and took a few pictures. I just love my little boy and I love being at home with him. Hes just the cutest.

Nova Scotia pt. 1

So as man people know, I have been home in NS since December 4th. The day I left started off with the last of our swimming classes. Dey came to this one because I wanted him to see the classes we had been taking for the past 11 weeks. Dominic didn't look at the camera but I really liked the picture of me... I feel skinny in it haha
after swimming Dey had some running around to do in the south so we went with him, and then when we got home I finished packing and what not to get read for our upcoming flight that night. I am a nervous pre-flyer but once I get my baggage checked I am a lot calmer. This time however, I was more nervous than usual because I was flying with Dominic and all of his extra stuff (car seat and stroller and diaper bag along with my carry on). I was also nervous about the weight of my bag because I was limited to 1 bag for 2 people for a 5 week trip and that is a hard thing to do especially when it is over the holidays and you have some gifts that you are bringing with you. Why not just buy everything in NS you ask? Well when you pay 5% tax where you live and are visiting a place where they pay 15% you kind of want to save whenever you can.

swimming day fun

I decided that it would be a good idea to take an airport selfie with Dominic because I felt like it was the right thing to do. The flight went really well. Dominic was awake for the first hour and half but then finally fell asleep, but woke up twice while in flight so I just nursed him back to sleep. I was lucky to get an aisle seat so if needed I could get up with him if he wake up and wanted to move around. Luckily he didn't really wake up until the end of the flight where he cried during landing. I didn't feel too bad about his crying at this point because it was at the end of the flight and not the start so we would be getting off the plane pretty soon. 

When we landed we were the last ones off the plane because I had him in my carrier and had the diaper bag plus a carry on and it is really hard to maneuver down the little aisle on the plane. I figured that by the time we got off the plane and down to baggage my parents, or at least my mom, would be waiting for us. But when I turned on my phone there was a message from my mom saying they were late because my moms flight didn't get in until 2 am because of some issues in Chicago and I got in at 630 am and they were a little tired. So I had to wait about 15 mins or so until they got there but then we went on our way to my house. I was so happy and excited to be there. I was pretty tired because I only dozed a bit on the plane because it is not easy sleeping with a 20lbs dead weight in your arms. When we got home Dominic and I took a nap for a bit then did some running around with my mom and dropped in to see my nanny. It was a pretty good day and Dominic did really well considering he didn't get that much sleep and I just kept him up until it was around his bed time in Calgary and then he did his regular sleeping routine and adjusted right away to the time difference.

When my grampie passed away I asked if there was anything of his that my nanny kept, like his hats that he always used to wear and she said that she got rid of everything, but then remembered that she held onto 1 hat because something told her not to get rid of it and I am so glad that she did because I now have it. It was really hard for me not being here when he passed away or for the funeral but I am really happy that I got to get the hat, and so I put it on Dominic.

So, the last time I was at my grandparents house I was visiting with them in their living room and out of the corner of my eye I saw this creepy troll doll. Then when I was at my nanny's new place it was still there. Honestly, it is the creepiest thing I have seen in a  really long time, and I am not sure why my nanny keeps it. 

I went driving around one day and I was driving down this one road and remembered that Cortney used to live off a side street there so I quickly turned down the road and found her old house which I visited frequently when they lived here for those 4 months.

My bishops daughter is serving her mission here and just so happened to be in my parents ward for the past little while, but recently got transferred to PEI but not before we got to take a picture together.

I was so excited for these two little kidlets to meet. Honestly I have always loved Lyla more than I could ever explain to anyone, but not that I have a son I have been so excited for him to meet his oldest cousin. It was a cute moment that quickly turned into "don't touch me" because someone is getting jealous of all the attention that isn't being paid to her anymore. But, she is obsessed with Dey and always wants to play and jump and hang around with him, and even Josh said that it was weird behavior for her. I think it is cute.

Honestly I just love her so much. I wish that we lived closer so we could hang out more and she could have more cousins to play with, plus I just want her to be my bff.

I forgot how much I loved my parents wood stove and really took it for granted growing up. But now that I am here I am so in love with it and loving the heat it provides.

My dads nickname is scary Barry and kids don't normally like going near him, so we thought it would be interesting to see what Dominic would do with him, but they have become such good buddies its heart warming. Dominic will follow my dad every where and wait for him outside of the bathroom. My dad has even said that he doesn't know what he is going to do when we leave and that he wont be able to handle the airport so he better be working when we do go. I am going to be crying when I leave because I am sad to be leaving them and to see Dominic not be near his grandparents. He loves my mom too I Swear but when dads home that's who he spends a lot of time with. 

Christmas Tree Shopping

So as I said my dad and Dominic are best buddies and he loves having him around. My dad even puts him in his car seat and enjoys riding in the back with him.

We encountered a duck crossing randomly the other day and I thought it was the cutest thing I have seen in a really long time. I had to snap a quick picture because it was too cute, and took about 10 minutes for them to waddle on over. They actually stop and looked both ways before crossing, smart ducks!

The ward here was having their Christmas party and we went and my mom was dressed up and so we put the Santa hat on Dominic and quickly snapped a shot before he took it off. The party was interesting and it was fun seeing a few people, and my uncle played Santa and that is not something anyone would have expected him to do. I forgot how much I love my parents ward. It will always be my family ward and will always have a big part of my heart.

I told my mom when she was taking her laundry downstairs to put Dominic in her basket. I have never put him in ours and I thought it would be cute to see what he would do and he loved it so much that once he was out he wanted to get back in immediately. 

The other day I had to opportunity to take my nanny out to run some errands. She has been sick and has to wear an eye patch so she cannot drive herself around. While at the superstore I captured this moment of her playing around with Dominic in the cart as she shopped around. I know she has been a little lonely since my grandfather has passed away so I know she has loved spending time with us whenever she can.

I have been waiting to take Dominic to see a Santa until we got here and Dey arrived. I wanted us to experience this together, so when he got into town the first place we went was to the mall and got our pictures. The best surprise was that they started to do the pictures for free. I was willing to pay for a picture but was so happy that I didn't have to. Dominic was happy with Santa and would look and smile at him and touch his beard but the moment he looked at the camera he looked upset and sad. He is a weird little kid.

That night when we got home my dad and Dey met face to face for the first time and I have to say that things have gone much better than I thought they might. They have been getting along and joking around and just having a good time. I have noticed that they have a similar sense of humor where they think they are funnier than they really are, and it is great that they are meshing well together.

I have been so excited to get home because it meant that I could get my hair done by my favorite and long time hair dresser, and even though she barely works now and sold her salon because she is an MLA she still works occasionally and I was told by her to call and put my name on a list to see her and I would eventually get in to see her. So I did just that and I cannot tell you how much happier and better I feel about myself after getting my hair done. I feel awesome!

I took Dey around some touristy places and I took him down Cow Bay and showed him the coast and there were people surfing. I have never loved NS but all of a sudden I have been seeing it in a different light. I love this place and noticed how beautiful it was until now. Dey even said he could see us living here at some point. I got to see my friend Megan as well since I have been home and that is the first time we have seen each other in 2.5 years and it was amazing to see her and have her meet Dominic, and I cannot wait until she can meet Dey as well. She is the only person left from school that I keep in contact with and we are still great friends even after all this time and I just love and adore her and appreciate our friendship more than she probably even knows.

On Saturday I went through the temple for myself and it was great! I can understand how and why people get weird-ed out and scared but I left there thinking "oh, that's it? that's not bad at all" I guess for me I was ready and prepared and just focused on what was being said and it was a great moment. Laura's mom was there for part of it and even cried a little which made me tear up a bit and it just made that day so much more meaningful and special. I am so happy I got to go through here with my family and a couple friends and the adjustment to things have honestly been easy and not uncomfortable at all. I feel great and happy and I am loving life. 

The other week before we left to come home we were at a friends house and Dominic climbed his first stair. He has never climbed any since, until being here because my mother has showed him how to do this. It has been a fun experience here and he is growing a lot and having a blast. 

I actually don't nurse at all anymore and he is strictly on cows milk which has been a bitter sweet moment for me. I was tired of nursing him and I running out of time to ween him before I got to work when I get back so we did it here, and it has been so easy, which is great, but at the same time a little emotional because we no longer have that time to just sit and stare at each other and connect and cuddle like that. I have cried a little about it here and there, but at the same time I am so thankful the transition has been easy and that I even had the chance to nurse him to begin with.

My trip home has been going by so quickly and it has been amazing thus far and I know that there are more fun days to come and possibly a christmas miracle.

I am blogging from my parents computer and their keyboard is crap and my hand is cramping so there are plenty of spelling mistakes, and I have to break my trip down into a few posts. I know that there will probably be some missing facts but I am thankful I have the chance to blog at all.