The Feelings Of Loss

Almost 2 years ago I was blessed by having my dream come true and became a mom. This is something I have always wanted and have waited so long for. I have found my calling in life. With being a mom I have always known that I wanted a big family and don't want to have an only child. So with that being said Dey and I have talked about when would be a good time to make an addition to the family and give Dominic a sibling. Because I was on contract with work I knew I needed to work for a minimum of 6 months before I could leave for mat leave again. So we figured out timelines and decided that if I went back to work freshly pregnant or got pregnant shortly thereafter it would be great. December of 2014 we decided we would start trying. Months passed and still no plus sign when tests were taken. Then in spring I was told about my teeth problems and about the copious amounts of dental work in my near future. So we had to put plan baby #2 on hold. I think The Lord had a hand in me not getting pregnant during those previous months because I wouldn't be able to be pregnant and be sedated and have this work done. Once my wisdom teeth came out we knew the plan was back on. Now I don't know my body as well as others and I'm not on the "normal" side of things so many ovulation tests were bought and when the smiley face showed up we were happy to know that my body was doing it's part just later than others. 

Friday before thanksgiving I had some light spotting but this for me is normal when my period is about to come so I figured that things just didn't happen that month. By Monday things weren't happening so just to shut my mind I took a test. I noticed more spotting and thought "great I just wasted a pregnancy test" so after all was said and done I looked at my wasted test and lo and behold there were 2 lines! I was so excited that my plans on surprising Dey turned into me walking into the room while he was changing Dominic's diaper waiving the test around saying look!! A few more tests were done that week to be sure and that Friday I confirmed with my doctor. I mentioned that I had been spotting almost everyday and she decided blood work every 2 days for 6 days (so 3 total) would be good to track my HCG levels. I hate needles so I was clearly overjoyed. On the Wednesday I went in for my first set of blood work with the second and third set to be on the Friday and then Sunday. 

Friday I had to go into work early so I could leave early for my blood work so I went to bed at a decent hour on Thursday night. I had some minor cramping and thought nothing of it. At about 3 am I woke up in a lot of pain. To me I was hoping it was just gas or something of that nature so I just let it go. The pain subsided a small amount and so I was at work. While at work I was keeled over because that was the only way I could get any sort of relief. I finally message Dey at 11:30 telling him to come get me. I left around noon and we headed home. After some debating, with myself, I decided we should go to my doctor as a walk in and see what they had to say. They listened to what I was saying and sent me for an emergency ultrasound in Airdrie (only place available) and we left right away because the appointment was for 2 and it was now shortly after 1. 

While at the clinic I had 2 types of ultrasound done, external and internal. They saw something measuring around 6cms just outside my left ovary where all my pain was coming from and they couldn't see anything in the uterus. The doctor came in and told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital so away we went. 

We got to the hospital and spent many hours talking with nurses and doctors, getting exams and blood work done. They put an IV in just in case they needed more than the 8 vials they already took. Dominic was the hit with the nurses which warranted him getting and EMT stuffed moose. 

After talking with the OB he was fairly certain it was an ectopic pregnancy and we had 3 options. 

1. Get blood work every 2 days and then get an ultrasound at the end of the week and go from there. But this means I couldn't be left alone for fear my Fallopian tube could burst. 

2. Give me the shot that would terminate the pregnancy naturally. The doctor crossed this out because he doesn't like to do it when they can't 100% say it is tubal. Because I have an extra long cycle the dates could be off and they could just not see anything in the uterus and what they were seeing next to my ovary might be normal or nothing at all. So if they did this option then there would be no way in knowing if it was actually a viable pregnancy or not. 

3. Have laparoscopic surgery, they look around and see if they can see the fetus and remove it or if they see nothing get out and go back to option 1 but if they do see it they would remove it and try their best to not harm the tube but more often than not the tube has to go as well which would mean only ovulating every second month instead of every month. 

So here I am faced with this decision, terrified about what's happening. Knowing that things are not good. I should also mention that the week before I got a blessing and although it didn't mention anything about the viability of my pregnancy I knew the moment it started that this pregnancy wouldn't last. Even though I knew in my heart it didn't keep me from being sad and scared. 

Dey and I decided to go with option 1 and go from there. The silver lining was that I would have the week off work. 

I went home so heart broken and terrified knowing what could happen. Best case scenario everything would be fine but that was slim to none. Next best thing was that I would miscarry. 

So Sunday I had more blood work done and on Monday I had an appointment with my doctor who said my HCG levels dropped drastically and that I would be miscarrying. That same afternoon I got an email from a midwifery clinic saying they had a spot open for me and I also started to pass some tissue. Monday was not a good day. No day has been a good day really. I had more blood work on Tuesday and again today. I also had another ultrasound today, both internal and external. They still see something outside my ovary but smaller than before and no blood flow around it. Also my uterus is not thick and there is no fluid left. All and all today I was told the obvious but it was still hard to hear that want you wanted so desperately is not going to happen for a while. But it looks like I've miscarried out of the tube so no surgery, for now. They're letting my doctor decide about what's left by my ovary. 

My heart has been heavy and sad. I have been upset, frustrated and angry at the world. I want to go back in time and not go through this. I want to stay on my couch and not move. I want to never go to work again. I just hate that this has happened. Everyday it seems like 5 more people are announcing their births of their babies or that they are expecting. 

I also found out that by having a c section it increases your odds of having an ectopic pregnancy. Thanks doctors for that one. 

I know that I will one day have more kids and I know that there are people out there who have had it worse than I have but for me this has been harder than I could have imagined. The feeling of loss is a different kind than I have experienced before. The feeling of loss is something I never want to feel again and would never wish on anyone. The feeling of loss is something I won't be able to get over for what seems like the rest of my life.

One day I had a baby growing inside and then I didn't anymore. 

Dental Woes

Ok! So as stated previously I have a lot of issues going on in my mouth, mostly cavities and me needing my wisdom teeth removed. I have been doing to the dentist and so far I have had 6 fillings done and still have a lovely 8 to go. I will be back at the dentist to use up the remaining of my coverage to fill I think 1 more tooth.
Speaking of coverage, I had to find out that wisdom teeth removal falls under "routine" dental work and not major so because I dont have like any coverage left I had to pay for all of ot (1,725$) out of my own pocket. This was not what I wanted to do but at the end of the day they needed to come out so I had to do it.
Last week I went to the oral surgeons and of course I was super nervous and because I was getting sedated I wasnt allowed to eat so I was also really hungry.
I met with the nurses and talked with the surgeon and he told me about the procedure and how it only takes about 30 minutes and then its the waking up part and getting ready to go that takes the longest.
So finally when they came and got me I was so nervous. They had me lay down and they put the mask on and said it would only take about 30 seconds or so. It felt like longer and the anesthesiologist said how it was laughing gas and I burst into laughter and he said, at least someone thinks my jokes are funny. Then I woke up in the recovery room with a mean nurse who wasn't considerate of my fears at all and kept saying, in a rude way, it's only the tape, don't tell me you can swollow because you can and other things that I can't remember. I was in a lot of pain but finally I got to leave. I remember before leaving they said they couldn't find Dey and I started to cry and told them he was the bald Spanish guy on his phone by the right back window. They found him. We left. I only wanted chocolate pudding and recovery sucked. I'm glad it's over with but now I'm being told root canals and crowns are in my future. Let this be a lesson to all, do not wait to go to the dentist for 10+ years because it's not cheap or painless. 

Dear Dominic

Dear Dominic,
You have changed my life in so many ways. I have always known that I loved babies and that I wanted them, but when the time came down to it that I was my time to be a mom I wasn't sure if I was ready for it. There was no turning back when the test read yes. I had many feelings go through me over the course of being pregnant.... a big one being that I hated being pregnant.
The early morning when I knew you were coming (turned out to be the next morning when you finally arrived) I was scared out of my mind. I wasn't sure what to expect and I wanted to keep you inside forever! I wasn't ready for you just yet, and thought I had more time, but you were ready for me!
You came in a fashion that I wasn't expecting at all and really wasn't happy about, but you came into this world and everything changed. When the doctors said I had a beautiful baby boy I laid there on the operating table and yelled out "I have a baby!!" I didn't cry like I thought I would because I think I was too tired (it had been over 24 hours) and hungry and pumped full of drugs. But boy was I excited to meet you. I was so excited that minutes after you arrived I yelled out "are we done yet?" and the doctors all laughed. I wasn't joking, I wanted to be stitched up and holding my baby. It was another 40 minutes or so until they wheeled me into recovery and I got to actually look at you real good. Sorry for saying you looked like an alien... it was the drugs...
It is amazing how instantly the love I didn't know I had for you grew in a tremendous way. You were not just some baby I got to hold, you were MY baby. You were my dream come true. You are the reason I am alive today. I was meant to be your mother and you my son.
It is crazy to think that we were destined to be together, but it's the truth.
Your father loves you so much as well and I know he is jealous  about some of the things that we get to share, as if it is our own secret club. Your father loves you just as much as I do, but you are the only one who has heard my heartbeat from the inside. You grew inside of me, and although it was not a pleasant experience for me, I would do it all again in a heartbeat because you were the reward.
You are the perfect little boy. You have such attitude already and are growing in so many ways. You amaze me with how fast you learn things and how easily you love when you don't really understand the meaning just yet.
Your love is a pure love that has yet to be introduced to the bad things of this world. I pray that you will always love as if you are child, without any reservations, and that you continue to learn and grow, although it pains me to see you growing so fast.
I wish that you will always speak your mind, as you do already, and that you are willing to be kind to those around you.
I hope that you will stop pulling hair and pinching and that you will learn that being gentle is a good thing. Girl will be upset if you do this to them, and guys will probably punch you for it.
You are my son, my first born, my love and my life. I am grateful that I am your momma and that no matter what I will always be there for you.
Dominic Jensen Rivera, thank you for completing my life and making it whole and for making me your mother.
I love you crazy amounts.
Love Mom

Dropped the Ball

I was told the other day... maybe the other week... I cant remember when exactly but it's been a while since I have blogged. It looks like the last time I blogged was the beginning of May and so I guess I will start from there...

May: I finally, after 10+ years went to the dentist for a cleaning/check up. It was the most painful cleaning I have ever had and probably the most profitable one for my dentist because what they found is probably making them a pretty penny. I will be honest, I HATE the dentist and have anxiety about it and for the longest time I didnt have coverage so I didnt go. Then when I did have coverage I couldnt find one who did direct billing and was accepting patients so I said it didnt matter. I have had some minor issues somedays with my teeth but didnt really care. Now I will be very honest, even though it is embarrassing for me, they found 14 cavities, one of those may result in a root canal and that doesnt include my 3 wisdom teeth that have cavities that need to be taken out via surgery. Yup! Thats me!! Ive always been very pronged to cavities so I wasnt that surprised. Luckily I have coverage and it looks like all of it will be covered so yay me! They did also say that when you are pregnant your saliva becomes more acidic and can eat away at your teeth faster... I took that to mean that all of these issues are from being pregnant with Dominic and before that I had the picture perfect mouth!! Speaking of mouths, I have a tiny mouth with tiny teeth and I was told a few times while I was there how small they were and how the xray thingy didnt fit in my itty bitty mouth. Needless to say I have already had 2 fillings, I have another 3/4 coming up Aug. 19th and my wisdom teeth surgery August 28th, Im getting sedated for that one so watch out! Im glad I went so I can keep my mouth clean and ready.
In May I also turned 28! It's crazy!! Cort came down from Edmonton to celebrate and we saw pitch perfect 2!! Not as good as the first one but still awesome.
Oh!! Also my mom surprised me and showed up for a birthday! Honestly it was the best and so unexpected. I had been bugging her for some time to come and see me and I guess for months she had it planned so Dey picked her up late one night and when I walked out in the morning in just my garments I was shocked because there she was and I kind of half screamed and quickly turned the light back off and went back to my room to find clothes and tell Dey she was there who had known about it and he tried to play it off like he didnt know how she got in the house! it was the long weekend so that worked out and I was able to take the friday off as well after my birthday so we could spend time together. Honestly it was great and I was so happy she came out and surprised me.
June kinda came and went and I really dont think anything overly special happened at all. I was just basically working my tail off because we re launched our system and it has been super crazy ever since.
July, so far, has been busy and I also had a week off because Dey went to Atlanta and instead of paying for someone to watch Dominic I thought it was better to just get paid to do it myself. So I did and I loved it! Honestly it made going back to work so much harder and made me feel like I did in January when I came back after mat leave.
About a year ago or more I saw these wraps that people were selling that help you lose inches and I its all natural and they were supposedly amazing and I wanted to try them. Unfortunately, I didnt have the money for it then so I said nevermind. Then I saw them every where but still didnt have the money for it. Then when I cam back to work I saw a friend of mine was selling them and talked it over with Dey and decided that it was a good time to try them out. So I did it and immediately fell in love. I saw a difference in me after just 1 wrap so I thought "why dont I sign up to be a distributor and make a little extra on the side?" I also have the idea that this could be my way out of working because I know so many people on our team who have been able to make enough to support themselves and their families and it is my inspiration. I am in love with these products and I have been feeling so much better about myself using them. My mom told me I'm just gonna lose weight to get pregnant again, which could be true, but I would rather lose some weight now so that way when the baby weight goes on I'm not further away from my goal than I was before.

This weekend we are driving down to Utah for a mini family vacation/reunion. Jeremy, Kim and Greyson live there and Josh is there visiting for a month or so, my parents and Lyla are flying out on Friday and we are driving down Friday night! Honestly I cannot wait to see them and just have fun together. I'm not looking forward to the drive down with Dominic but we will make it work. We are getting family pictures and I cannot wait to see how they turn out!!!

Life is great and I am done my contract with work so I would like to be pregnant soon so I can go on leave again and make money doing it through it works! Maybe I can sustain a life with it! here's to hoping I can get what I want out of life with the help of this amazing product!!

Sick Kiddo

A few weeks ago Dominic was coming down with a minor cold, which is pretty normal for him when he's teething. He was getting in 5 at once and so his cold was a little worse than normal, but nothing too bad. As the week went on and his cold wasn't going away I thought maybe it would pass in a couple days, but it didnt. One night I put him down for bed and he was perfectly fine, minus the sniffly nose, but he woke up around 10:30 and was standing up trying to cry. At first I thought maybe his cry was just super soft but after a moment I realized it just wasnt right. He was so upset and sad and I could tell he was in pain. His hands and feet got really cold and he was so tired but couldnt get back to sleep. His breaths got very short and quick and he had a nasty sounding cough. We called the health link because part of me thought it sounded like he had phlegm stuck in his through and I wasnt going to rush to the hospital for that. After talking with the nurse from health link we were about to hang up and do what she suggested but then he let out an awful cough and she said to get to the hospital. So we quickly got dressed and headed to the childrens hospital. We went to triage and explained everything and she took his vitals, this is where he got terrified of the stethoscope, and she said we would probably be getting a chest x-ray. We got to the waiting room, where other kids were sitting around and waiting (1h45m approx. wait time was showing on the screen) and Dominic being the kid that he is, gets a second wind and doesnt let a little breathing issue slow him down, is running around trying to play and run out through the automatic doors. We got to the hospital around 11 and didnt get in to see a doctor until about 2am. Well, by in to  see a doctor I mean out of the waiting room into another room waiting for him. He had a bad fever and they gave him popsicles, another nurse took his vitals, which was a task. He hated the stethoscope and the heart monitor was horrible for him and his heart rate was 183 bpm because he was so frantic that they had to put it on his foot and wait for him to calm down. The nurse waited in the hallway until it got an accurate reading but at one point the nurse poked her head out of the hallway into the room and Dominic freaked out at her. They gave him a shot of steroids and after a bit the doctor came in. Again with the stethoscope and Dominic freaked out. They said he had croup and strider and was fighting off an infection but told us the steroids would help but if they didnt to come back. So we packed up and went home, without a chest x-ray.

He loved those popsicles. He had 2 that night, Hopped up on sugar just like his mama

He kept trying to take his bracelet off. We had to hide it under his sleeve of his coat because he figured out how to slide his hand out.

The days passed and his cold kept getting worse and worse, his strider was gone but he just wasnt getting better so Dey took him in to a walk in clinic and they doctor there said he thought he had a bacterial infection. So a 3 day round of steroids and 7 day, 3 times a day, antibiotic was prescribed for my little kiddo and we had to make an appointment to go back after 5 days. Slowly things finally started to get better which was great. I was also really appreciative of my health benefits because they covered his medication. 

So Friday rolls around and I get back from work and have to take Dominic to the doctors for his follow up. The moment that stethoscope came near him he freaked out again. But the doctor got a good enough listen that things were getting better but he was still wheezing and there was still some tightness in his chest so we got a puffer!! Yay!!! Luckily because we made the mask look like fun he is good at taking it. He only needs it close to bed time or if it gets back during the day. I have only had to use it a few times which is great, and he still has a little bit of a runny nose and a random cough here or there but it is finally clearing up. 

Having a sick kid is so sad. And having a kid who cant really breath is terrifying. Honestly I got so nervous at first that something would happen and I would lose it. My life would never been the same if that were the case and I dont know if I would have been able to move on from it. 

I am so greatly for the health services we have here in Canada and I am so greatly for my little man. He is just the best thing to have ever happen to me. He completed our lives. If at the end of the day he is all we are blessed with, then I would be sad but perfectly happy with it. 

When Does It Get Easier?

I was told that going back to work was a good thing and that I would enjoy the adult interaction. I was also told that it would be hard at first but would get easier and I would get used to it.
I have been back to work now for 3 months and although it is nice to talk to some people, I do not find it easier, I do not really enjoy it and I still find myself crying about it. I just dont understand how people have it so easy and love going back to work. Am I too attached to my child?!
I wake up every morning thinking "if only I didnt have to get out of bed" proceeded by "is it friday yet!?". Dont get me wrong I have a great job and work with some great people, but I never looked forward to the weekend more than I do now and have never hated Sundays as much either. I keep waiting for this feeling to go away and its just not. I feel like im missing so much of my childs life and development. The fact that he doesnt like coming around me as much also makes it harder. Yesterday he saw the girl upstairs and Dey had left and he squirmed to get out of my arms and walked to her and wouldnt let me take him back. If you ever wonder how a toddler can break your heart, this is it.
Everyone says, just get pregnant again and then you can take off another year... well its not the easy, believe me, plus then when I go back to work it will be even harder because I will have 2 kids to leave behind and Dey wont be able to watch 2 at the same time and still get work done so we would have to pay for daycare. Honestly, I am just so overwhelmed with emotions and frustrations and sadness that I didnt expect to experience this long after having a kid.
I just want it to get easier.

Toddler Love.. or Lack Thereof

Ever since Dominic was old enough to realize that someone left the room/house he has gotten really upset about it. Mostly this happens when Dey leaves. I think the reasoning is he felt like he wasnt coming back and since I was always around he didnt care as much when I left. I thought maybe when I went back to work he would get upset about me leaving and cry (yes I wanted my kid to cry over me, is that too much to ask?!) but this has not happened.
When I get home from work he barely comes near me if Dey is around and when Dey leaves he follows him down the hallway and stands are the door sobbing uncontrollably. This has caused me to get really sad and cry because my son doesnt want to spend time with me. I am chopped liver to him when Deys around, even if I leave him with the girls upstairs for a moment and I go to take him back he runs into Shellys arms and would rather stay with her.
My heart breaks every time he doesnt want to come near me and would rather be with someone else.
I have figured out why this is, at least I think I have... Because this weekend was the long weekend I was able to get up and be with Dominic all day and he cuddled with me most of the Dey, this too brought tears to my eyes, and he still wanted Dey but he also wanted me!! I think he gets mad that I'm not around all day and so he in a way punishes me for it.
I just hate that he doesnt seem to like me as much and Im his mom. All day I miss him and wish I were home with him and it sucks and hurts that he could care less when Im around.
Ive been pretty emotional lately and this doesnt help matters.
 I wish my baby would just be my baby and want to spend time with me.