Mia Daphne Ninette Rivera Birth Story (graphic)

My baby girl finally came into the world on December 20th 2016 at 6pm weighing 9lbs 6oz and 20.5" long. Before I get into too much details about her birth lets go back a couple weeks...

I was desperately hoping this little girl would be early like her brother was. I was due Dec 16th and was thinking Dec 10th would have been a great day to have a baby because I was already done work and my vacation time would have been over as well. My last day working was Nov 30th but I used my remaining vacation time so my official last day of work was Dec 9th, so that's why I wanted the 10th to be the day little girl made her appearance. I've learned that babies come when they want to no matter what you do.

I was having random Braxton hicks contractions and throughout my entire pregnancy she would sit really low a lot of the time and kick me real hard in my cervix. I went in for my 39 week appointment a couple of days before I was officially 39 weeks and I had a stretch done. I was already at 3cm and they could get me to a 5 and more than 50% effaced. I was hoping that this would mean baby was making her appearance that weekend. I had also passed the plug and continued to pass it for quite some time.

Throughout the week I would wake up in the middle of the night with more Braxton hicks thinking that my contractions were starting. With Dominic my water broke first before anything had started so I really wasn't sure what to expect this time around. only 10% of women's water break before labor. Sadly I made it to my 40 week appointment with no signs of baby coming. I decided to have another stretch done and this time I was at 5cm and they could get my to an 8. Again I thought that baby was coming any day. This was on a Wednesday.. Mia came on the Tuesday... the stretches for me did nothing other than dilate me more. My midwife told me I should prepare for a home birth because there's a good chance I wouldn't make it to the hospital. (yes I went midwife this time and I wouldn't have it any other way. They are amazing!!) Hospital birth was my plan and I live super close to the hospital, so the idea of a home birth stressed me out. I wanted to be where to drugs were just in case I needed a section again. Carol couldn't believe I wasn't in labor yet at this appointment because of how far I was. But we agreed that when I started having contractions not to wait too long to call them because I would need to get to the hospital and there was no point in them coming to my house to asses me to see if I was in labor because odds are I would be in active labor rather fast.

We decided that on Sunday we better just load all the bags in the car just in case something were to happen while we were at church or out so it would be easier for us. We also installed the car seat as well. We had my hospital bag, Dey's hospital bag (just in case I had to stay there for a C-section) and Dominic's bag for the people's house who were going to watch him for us while we were at the hospital.

A few days went by and it brings us to Tuesday. I woke up that morning, as I did every morning, yelling at my belly telling this baby to get out. Dey always went to Gene and Lisa's house (friends of ours who offered to watch Dominic for us) to practice for work and I decided to go that morning because I needed to get out of the house. The week prior was crazy cold so it was nice that it wasn't so cold and I just felt so cooped up and anxious so I decided to roll out of bed, literally, and throw some clothes on and go with him just to visit with Lisa while the boys did their thing. We had planned on only being there until around 12, but things kept coming up and they had to keep making calls and figuring something out. Lisa made us all pancakes and we sat around eating and visiting some more. We looked at the clock and it read 2pm and decided we would leave shortly thereafter once Dey finished up his last thing he was working on. Then the clock read 2:18 and I felt a little cramp and thought, here's another Braxton hick contraction. Then a couple minutes later another one came and it was a little stronger than the last. Then 5 minutes went by and another one came and then 2 minutes later a stronger one came. I was still denying that I was in labor because of all the false contractions had previously. So I finally called my midwife around 3 and Wendy was the one on call so I told her everything that was happening. She called foothills to see if there were any beds available and then she called me back. We decided she would triage me at the hospital because I was a little further away from the hospital and we would go from there. Luckily there was a bed available and so we left Dominic at Gene and Lisa's (thankfully we were already at their house so we didn't have to drop him off or make them come and get him) and we headed to the hospital. My contractions were really strong and coming every minute or so. I told Dey this was the one time I would be ok with him speeding.

Foothills has constructions happening so we agreed that Dey would drop me off at the door, go find parking and I would meet the midwives in the lobby and Dey would come find us afterwards.
Well he dropped me out front, I stepped out of the car and had a contraction. A lady came over and asked if I needed help and if I was in labor and if I wanted a wheel chair. I said I should be fine but thanks any way. Once the contraction stopped I walked inside, saw Carol and Wendy and had another contraction. Once done we walked to the elevator (maybe 15 steps away) and I had another contraction. I had another one in the elevator and Wendy goes "No need to triage you, you're definitely in labor" and after she said that I had another contraction. We got to the desk and I had another contraction. And then another one before we were even allowed in the L&D ward. Once we got passed the doors I had to stop because, of course, another contraction was happening. I told Wendy I felt like I needed to poop and I was so hot so I started taking my jacket off there in the hallway. The feeling of needing to poop was because baby's head was so low. This is something I never felt with Dominic so it was all new to me and I wasn't sure if I needed to poop or if it was in fact her head. I finally made it to the room and they helped me get my pants off so they could asses me. I said sorry for my hair legs, but I was planning on shaving them when we got back from Gene and Lisa's because I didn't think things would happen while we were there. So I didn't even get to have a shower that day! My plans on how I was going to look and have my hair for delivery did not happen. They checked me over and I was at an 8 and dying to push. They let me have the gas but said I couldn't get the epidural. So here I was sucking that gas like crazy and Dey was there now, and I asked them how long they thought I would be to get from 8 to 10. They didn't answer me. It was now roughly around 4pm. They asked me if I remembered if I was group B positive or negative and while I was sucking the gas I sang out "negative" and they all laughed. Let me tell you, I LOVE the gas and I think its really funny being high. However, it doesn't do a whole lot to take the pain away, it just makes it a little easier to deal with the intensity of the pain. When I'm in pain I tend to fidget a lot and so I was on my side, still wearing my bra, tank top and shirt, and almost falling off the table because of how I was moving to deal with the pain. I vaguely remember them telling me it was time to push and they wanted me to give up the gas. I didn't want to give it up and tried pushing with it. They finally took it from me and I said "I push better with it" and they said "no, you don't. you aren't even pushing".. so no gas for me. They had to break my water and honestly, I remember the pressure from it and so I pushed when they did it. It felt like something exploded and Wendy yelled "woah!" and also got a little wet because things really did just explode. I somehow found a pole at the back of the bed and I was holding into it for dear life. They would want me to hold my own legs and I told them I couldn't do that because I needed to hold this pole. I also was holding Dey's hand, which he later showed me the nail marks I left and said that he thought I was going to break it. While pushing I begged them for the drugs and they kept saying no and I also begged for a C-section because I just wanted her out so bad. But things clearly were past the point where a section would happen.

I remember people telling me about things feeling like a ring of fire and oh my gosh were they ever right. I thought someone was taking a lighter and holding it to my skin down there and I did not want to feel that anymore. I could feel her there and wanted her out so bad, but with each push she just wasn't coming out. With every push I would pray that it would be the last push, but it just wasn't. Carol and Wendy would tell me I was almost there and one more push and Dey would repeat them, and I looked at him and said "you don't know what you are talking about so I don't want to hear you saying this! They are professionals so I'm listening to them!" I remember saying that I just couldn't push anymore and I wanted to cry. Carol (who to me is the softer more gentle spoken midwife) grabbed my face and made me open my eyes and put her finger in my face and said "Vanessa you have to do this and you can so do it!" and she said it rather stern and so I pushed. They brought in the OB because Mia's heartrate had dropped a little so they had to call them, but then it picked back up so they sent them away. I was offered the vacuum because her head was in there and not coming out and because I was so over pushing and exhausted and in pain I said yes, do it. I apologized to Carol and Wendy for me saying yes to it but I just wanted her out.

When they vacuum the baby out they freeze you.. well I could feel the needle through the contractions and I could also feel the vacuum and it was not pleasant at all!! But after a few more pushing with the vacuum they told me to stop and her head come out and her body just kinda slithered out after it. SHE WAS HERE! I was so happy she was here and that I didn't have to push anymore. I remember passing the placenta and feeling it come out as well. Carol asked if I wanted to see it and I said no. She did however, show Dey and explain everything that they look at and how the coloring of it indicated that Mia was ready to come out because the placenta in a way dying.

One of the first things they said about Mia was " you don't normally see a double chin on a new born.", "check out that tongue!" and "woah she has a big head! you'll never have an issue birthing a big baby now that you did this!" which I then told Dey " we are NEVER having sex again!" haha they also asked me who has a big head and I said I do and Carol goes "well then you only have yourself to blame!" thanks Carol.

One of the first things I said about Mia when I saw her for the first time was "she looks like my dad! its a little Barry"

Mia wasn't handed to me right away because there was poop in the fluid so they needed to get her all sorted out, and also I had a 2nd degree tear so I needed to be sewn. I asked for the gas back and they gave it to me. I remember telling the lady stitching me that she needed to leave me alone and shewed her away. She said "its not the first time I've been asked to vacate the area."

When Dominic was born I was concerned that he wouldn't have all his fingers and toes, so I had made Dey double check to be sure he had them all. Once he got to see her and came over to me he told me all fingers and toes were accounted for... this time that wasn't my first concern. I looked at him and "is she still a girl!?" he said yes. I was so concerned this pregnancy that they were wrong with what they saw. I know too many people who have been told the wrong thing. I even felt like it was a boy the whole time and I also compared her gender picture from the ultrasound to others on the internet to see if it looked the same.

Once I was all stitched up I was in a lot of pain. My tailbone was killing me. And then we realized I didn't pee while I was there so they wanted me to go to the bathroom and get in the tub to soak. As I got up I almost fell over. I had this crazy sinking pulling feeling in my belly that made me so dizzy that I almost passed out. They got me to the toilet and I sat down and steadied myself. The dizziness passed and I tried to pee. It just wasn't working and things hurt a lot. So I got in the tub and tried to pee while I was in there. Carol brought me apple juice, cheese and peanut butter toast to eat while in the tub. I could not pee for the life of me. So they said I would need a catheter and stay over night. They decided since I was staying overnight and Mia's glucose levels were borderline low they would monitor those too.

I got into my shared room (bigger than the last one I had with Dominic) and Dey stayed for a bit after we called everyone and then went home. I had to wait until later the next day after Mia's levels were up and after I peed twice without the catheter in. That came around 430pm. I was so happy to be leaving. I also loved that Dey brought Dominic in to see her that day and that he wasn't upset about there being a baby around. It was so sweet.

That first night was just as rough as the first night home with Dominic. Poor Mia wasn't latching properly because of her long tongue and was starving and screaming bloody murder. I was so sore and didn't know what to do. After almost 10 hours of her screaming I called my midwives and asked what to do and if I should give her formula. They said it would be ok. I finally got her to settle down and then Carol came by for our in house visit. She came again later that day to help me because we got a prescription for nipple cream because mine were so raw and got a nipple shield to see if it would help her latch on properly. The shield did nothing for her and she still didn't latch on. So I pumped and formula fed for the first week because my milk supply wasn't enough yet to keep her full.

Dominic never really ever spit up, this girl was and still is a big spatter upper. She is my chunky monkey and eats all the time. it took her a week to learn how to latch on and once she did she wouldn't touch a bottle. She still wont touch a bottle and she also wont take a soother. Its been a long almost 3 months. She's a crier, however she's calmed down a lot since being home in NS which is great.

This little girl has been hard to love and hard to feel connected to. She has made me question myself as a mother more than I ever did with Dominic. I have gotten angry at her for crying and have had to put her down and distance myself from her for fear I would snap. I have felt like a horrible mom because she has been so demanding and the time I have had for Dominic has been slim and also I have been too tired to do anything with him during the time I did have for him.

Things have gotten better and I have fallen in love with Mia. I love my family and I am so blessed to have them in my lives. I know I am not done having kids and already long for another baby to be brought into this world.

I love you little Mia girl and I am so honored to be your mom!

VLOG

Ooooookay!!! So I have been, recently, obsessed with a few youtube vlogs and honestly it makes me feel soooo jealous that I havent documented more of my life in videos and pictures. I always wish I could look back on moments in my life, just to watch them happen again because I can remember the feelings I had during that time, and seeing their channels has made me wish I could what they have done.

So I have been toying with the idea of doing this but I would need a better camera. I dont have a very interesting life, because we only have 1 car so I dont travel very much after work and I dont really have a lot of friends. BUT I feel like it would be better for me to do a vlog because I might actually keep it up, unlike my blog which I randomly post on.

I would also need an editing program on my computer and I would need a better computer, lets face it mine sucks, especially since my screen is gone and I have to have it plugged into the TV in order to see anything.


Well Dey thinks its a good idea and so I just might do it!!! If I do I will post about it with the link so that if people want to stare at my average face they most certainly can!!

Frustration

I thought that my frustration was over as I spent all of Sunday not really paying attention to the things going on with my body and felt like I had accepted everything. Then later last night so many more people posted pictures of their babies/ultrasounds and immediately my frustrations were coming over me again.

I start to think about how I would be soon finding out the gender of my baby if my first pregnancy had lasted. And then I start to think how I wanted to make an appointment for my "confirmation" at my doctors this weekend when Im off but I wont. This one happened a bit faster than the last so I didnt even notify my doctor that I was pregnant. Which has me wondering if I should even let them no.. like hey doctor I just wanted to come in and tell you I was pregnant and then I miscarried later in the week and because Im so freshly aware of what takes place I didnt do anything about it.

This is the second time I had to email the midwifery intake people to remove me from their list because I will not be in need of a midwife again.

I wonder why this is happening to me. I feel as though there is something wrong with me and it is causing me to not carry a baby. I dont think I want to wait very long if I do start to try again, but honestly if I were to start trying again, get pregnant and then miscarry again Im really not sure why I would ever want to try for another baby ever again.

Because of all this Ive been noticing my left ovary has been hurting a bit more frequently so Im going to have to go in and look my cyst sooner than later. This is also frustrating because I feel like it might be cause of my issues and if the doctors took it more seriously then maybe it would have been removed and this pregnancy would have lasted.

I just dont understand why! I havent even told my family about this one because Im not sure how to bring it up in random conversation... oh hey ma! I was pregnant last week but now anymore, how was your day!?

My heart is heavy. My heart is sad. My heart is frustrated.

Déja Vu

This post will be updated over a period of days/weeks, depending on what takes place it may be long or short. But I wanted to make note of how I am feeling and what is going in my life during this time.

December 2015: Dey and I have finally decided that it is time to try again, so that is what we are doing. I have broken out the ovulation tests again (I never really know because I have a strangely long cycle) and we are praying that this time around we will get pregnant and by the end of it all we have a new baby.

December 26/27, 2015: Both of these days I got a positive ovulation (a smiley face to be exact!) and so we all know what this means. My fingers are crossed because we so desperately want to expand our family.

January 1-7, 2016: I hate waiting for it to be the right time to take a pregnancy test. Honestly it is longest wait of MY LIFE! I just want to know what is going to happen. I'm not sure if it's going to happen for us. I dont know why but I dont expect there to be a postive test when it is the right time. I actually have taken quite a few tests.. Im just that impatient even though I know the answer will be negative. I need to do them to keep my mind at ease.


January 8, 2016: Okay! So here I am at work with my impatient self and at lunch I went to shoppers with Eva to blow off some steam... its been a bad day on top of a really bad week..... so I bought another test and decided to take it here at work... THERE WAS A SECOND LINE!!! AHHHHHH!!!! I dont know if Im just imagining it or what, but i know its there... i have other tests at home (i tend to buy in bulk) and I will do another one when i get home to see if the results are the same.... I also have broken out in hives and have crazy itchy skin which can happen in pregnancy....

.... So the results are more faint than the one earlier today, but still it was there... Im doing to take another one tomorrow!

January 9, 2016 : Took another test and the second line is there!! Again still a little faint but its definitely there. I am getting a little excited, but nervous at the same time. I'm going to take a digital one tomorrow morning when I first get up to see if it says anything different.

January 10, 2016: Sooooo I took a digital test and it says PREGNANT 1-2 weeks!!! So happy!! So Nervous!! I threw all the tests at Dey and just waited for him to respond. He was like "are you serious!?" We are so excited, but I am still staying very quiet about this and trying not to get too excited about it. I already feel a little different about this one than the last, like this one is more real and I feel more excited, whereas in October I just knew for some reason that it was going to last and even though in my heart I knew it didnt make the hurt any less.


January 14/15, 2016: So everything has been going great so far. I have been super tired, more so than usual, and so far I have been feeling more happy and excited than I did in October, Ive been almost giddy. I have found myself looking in the mirror and watching my belly, as it doesnt grow because its too soon, its only big because Ive been bloated haha So last night as I was getting ready for bed and doing my nightly routine, I went to the bathroom and noticed a little pink after using the bathroom. Immediately my heart sank. I started having some cramps, not as bad a period cramps but bad enough that the only comfy way to lay down was curled in a ball on my side. My mind has been going over this countless times because in October, the friday before i got my positive pregnancy test I had the same thing happen, and I at that time though it was a sign that my period of was starting but got a positive on the monday but the spotting just got gradually worse and ended in a very painful miscarriage. So here I am at work, with some minor lower back pain (might just be how Im sitting) and the pink is a bit more than it was last night. Again its only after finishing up using the bathroom that I see this but its still not making me feel any better about the whole thing. i know that a lot of women have spotting early on in pregnancy but this for me is seriously so hard right now. So many people i know are having kids, and i am happy for them, but its still so hard for me not to be angry and jealous and mad at the world that this isnt happening for me. I really do think that my csection screwed my insides up. I have said this from the moment I had the csection that I was terrified that because of it my chances of having another baby are gone. This morning when I told dey about it all he was sad, not as worried as I am and is still hopeful, but for me I just feel it in my heart that things arent going to work out yet again. I do truly hope I am wrong but still it's hard to be positive when the pain and hurt is still so fresh in my heart from October. Dey said to me, if the same thing happens we just need to keep trying. My response "I dont want to!" I didnt think I would ever want to give up on trying again for more kids, but this is not easy for me. Its hard walking around work knowing there is someone else who accidentally got pregnant and is due when I originally would have been (early June) and here I am and still no baby. I know there are people who have tried and tried for years and I never really thought I could feel the way they do or even a fraction of how they do but I think im getting there. I am so grateful for Dominic and that fact that I have been blessed to be his mother but I want him to have a sibling. I dont feel like my family is complete yet, but there is a chance that it will be. Today is not an easy day for me and I really dont want to go through the same thing again. I havent gone to the doctors yet, but if things continue on I will be making an appointment here shortly to have them send me for probably more tests and probably another ultrasound. I think Im scared to go and be told the same thing as before; there's no baby in there. Ive had heartache before in many different forms but for me I think this is the worst of all. I have only ever wanted to be a mom and although I am, i always thought it would be to more than just my 1 little boy. As much as I say I will be ok with just having the one because he truly is a blessing, I know it will take a really long time to actually really accept and be ok with that fact. Everyday I am praying that I am wrong and praying that Heavenly Fathers plan is for this one to work out and that we can keep it, its just a little hard to hold onto the faith that everything will work out, especially because most times my working out and Heavenly Fathers working out are 2 completely different things. I am currently about as far along as I was when I started to miscarry in October. This is making my hopefulness fade rather fast...

... So after coming home from work my heart just knew. I sat here crying so bad and praying to god that if this pregnancy wasn't going to last then have it end now and not make me wait as long as I did last time. He answered my prayer. At 4am I woke up & was having another miscarriage. My heart is heavy. It is hurting. I have so many questions. I don't know why this has happened yet again. Wanting a bigger family is a good desire but apparently it's not meant to be right now. Dey says it's a trial but it's a trial I am over enduring. I just don't know why he would answer my prayer of getting pregnant but he wouldn't answer my prayer to keep it. I'm not mad at god but right now I don't understand him and why this has become my life. 

I really don't know if I'm willing to try to have another kid if I have to keep suffering through these miscarriages. 

The Boy Who Won't Sit Still

Dominic is now 22 months old... yes sometimes I still use months to describe his age... and he is on the go all the time. It is very rare that he is sitting still for more than a couple minutes at a time. Sometimes I'm not sure how to keep up with him or what to do. I just sit there and watch him as he runs around touching everything in site.

He constantly has bruises and is hitting/banging something on his body and coming to me to kiss it better. Everyday he is hurting himself.

So the other day, Wednesday to be exact, I drove myself to work because it was so cold that Dey didnt think it was a good idea to make Dominic go out in the cold, especially because he was still sleeping. When the day was done I was making good time going home that I quickly stopped into Walmart to pick up a couple of things. I only took my wallet in and left my purse and phone in the car. When I got back in my car I noticed I had 6 missed calls from Dey but because we are just up the road from the walmart I didnt bother calling him back.

I walk into the house and Dominic is running as per usual and Dey is there with tears in his eyes and I asked him what was wrong and then I saw. Dominic had this gash in his forehead. Apparently he was standing on Deys back when he was laying on the floor and when Dey told him to sit down he dove head first into the couch and cut open his head.

We went to the emergency room at the childrens hospital and waited a long while for them to do anything about it. We were told it would either be glue or stitches but since he was young and its hard for kids his age to be still glue might not be a good idea. Apparently if he moves while having the glue put in it could burn and not go in properly and would need to be taken out and put back in. So we opted for the stitches.

2 stitches and a lot of screams and tears later everything was done. My poor little boy has this giant scar (giant to me at least) in the middle of his forehead. I put vitamin e cream on it everyday and hope that it will eventually fade.

Sometimes this little boy never learns because he is still to this day head diving off the couch and hurting himself on the regular. I dont think he will ever learn to sit still.

Moving Forward

It's been a couple weeks now and it has gotten easier coping with the fact that I am not longer pregnant. I do however have to be mindful of any pain I might be having because it could be the 6cm cyst they saw rupturing, which I hope never happens. I did get confirmation from my doctor that this will not prevent me from trying again when I am ready. 

I have been researching and talking to those around me who have had miscarriages and asking them how long they waited before they tried again. It's funny because people who are not from north america were shocked that we were told that we should wait 2-3 months before trying because they have been told by their doctors and midwives that if they are ready they can try right away because your body is ready for this and hyper fertile right now. I have looked into different things people have said on different forums and they all say the same thing. So pretty much, if you feel like you are ready you should go ahead and start trying again. 

So knowing that I am not pregnant right now has made me a little sad that my June deadline for working will be pushed back. I have always said that I wanted to be a stay at home mom and we have talked about when I get pregnant again that I just wont go back to work afterwards. We are trying to get 6 months worth of bills saved up so that way we have a cushion for whenever that day may be. 

In the meantime I am just trying to love my son even more than I already do (if that's possible) because after everything I have gone through it is more clear to me that babies, although an often occurrence in the world, are very special and a miracle every single time. 

I love kids and I love my child, and if he is the only one I am blessed with then I will be happy with that. I will have sad moments but I still will love my child more than anything in the world and be happy that he is mine forever! 

The Feelings Of Loss

Almost 2 years ago I was blessed by having my dream come true and became a mom. This is something I have always wanted and have waited so long for. I have found my calling in life. With being a mom I have always known that I wanted a big family and don't want to have an only child. So with that being said Dey and I have talked about when would be a good time to make an addition to the family and give Dominic a sibling. Because I was on contract with work I knew I needed to work for a minimum of 6 months before I could leave for mat leave again. So we figured out timelines and decided that if I went back to work freshly pregnant or got pregnant shortly thereafter it would be great. December of 2014 we decided we would start trying. Months passed and still no plus sign when tests were taken. Then in spring I was told about my teeth problems and about the copious amounts of dental work in my near future. So we had to put plan baby #2 on hold. I think The Lord had a hand in me not getting pregnant during those previous months because I wouldn't be able to be pregnant and be sedated and have this work done. Once my wisdom teeth came out we knew the plan was back on. Now I don't know my body as well as others and I'm not on the "normal" side of things so many ovulation tests were bought and when the smiley face showed up we were happy to know that my body was doing it's part just later than others. 

Friday before thanksgiving I had some light spotting but this for me is normal when my period is about to come so I figured that things just didn't happen that month. By Monday things weren't happening so just to shut my mind I took a test. I noticed more spotting and thought "great I just wasted a pregnancy test" so after all was said and done I looked at my wasted test and lo and behold there were 2 lines! I was so excited that my plans on surprising Dey turned into me walking into the room while he was changing Dominic's diaper waiving the test around saying look!! A few more tests were done that week to be sure and that Friday I confirmed with my doctor. I mentioned that I had been spotting almost everyday and she decided blood work every 2 days for 6 days (so 3 total) would be good to track my HCG levels. I hate needles so I was clearly overjoyed. On the Wednesday I went in for my first set of blood work with the second and third set to be on the Friday and then Sunday. 

Friday I had to go into work early so I could leave early for my blood work so I went to bed at a decent hour on Thursday night. I had some minor cramping and thought nothing of it. At about 3 am I woke up in a lot of pain. To me I was hoping it was just gas or something of that nature so I just let it go. The pain subsided a small amount and so I was at work. While at work I was keeled over because that was the only way I could get any sort of relief. I finally message Dey at 11:30 telling him to come get me. I left around noon and we headed home. After some debating, with myself, I decided we should go to my doctor as a walk in and see what they had to say. They listened to what I was saying and sent me for an emergency ultrasound in Airdrie (only place available) and we left right away because the appointment was for 2 and it was now shortly after 1. 

While at the clinic I had 2 types of ultrasound done, external and internal. They saw something measuring around 6cms just outside my left ovary where all my pain was coming from and they couldn't see anything in the uterus. The doctor came in and told me to go to the emergency room at the hospital so away we went. 

We got to the hospital and spent many hours talking with nurses and doctors, getting exams and blood work done. They put an IV in just in case they needed more than the 8 vials they already took. Dominic was the hit with the nurses which warranted him getting and EMT stuffed moose. 

After talking with the OB he was fairly certain it was an ectopic pregnancy and we had 3 options. 

1. Get blood work every 2 days and then get an ultrasound at the end of the week and go from there. But this means I couldn't be left alone for fear my Fallopian tube could burst. 

2. Give me the shot that would terminate the pregnancy naturally. The doctor crossed this out because he doesn't like to do it when they can't 100% say it is tubal. Because I have an extra long cycle the dates could be off and they could just not see anything in the uterus and what they were seeing next to my ovary might be normal or nothing at all. So if they did this option then there would be no way in knowing if it was actually a viable pregnancy or not. 

3. Have laparoscopic surgery, they look around and see if they can see the fetus and remove it or if they see nothing get out and go back to option 1 but if they do see it they would remove it and try their best to not harm the tube but more often than not the tube has to go as well which would mean only ovulating every second month instead of every month. 

So here I am faced with this decision, terrified about what's happening. Knowing that things are not good. I should also mention that the week before I got a blessing and although it didn't mention anything about the viability of my pregnancy I knew the moment it started that this pregnancy wouldn't last. Even though I knew in my heart it didn't keep me from being sad and scared. 

Dey and I decided to go with option 1 and go from there. The silver lining was that I would have the week off work. 

I went home so heart broken and terrified knowing what could happen. Best case scenario everything would be fine but that was slim to none. Next best thing was that I would miscarry. 

So Sunday I had more blood work done and on Monday I had an appointment with my doctor who said my HCG levels dropped drastically and that I would be miscarrying. That same afternoon I got an email from a midwifery clinic saying they had a spot open for me and I also started to pass some tissue. Monday was not a good day. No day has been a good day really. I had more blood work on Tuesday and again today. I also had another ultrasound today, both internal and external. They still see something outside my ovary but smaller than before and no blood flow around it. Also my uterus is not thick and there is no fluid left. All and all today I was told the obvious but it was still hard to hear that want you wanted so desperately is not going to happen for a while. But it looks like I've miscarried out of the tube so no surgery, for now. They're letting my doctor decide about what's left by my ovary. 

My heart has been heavy and sad. I have been upset, frustrated and angry at the world. I want to go back in time and not go through this. I want to stay on my couch and not move. I want to never go to work again. I just hate that this has happened. Everyday it seems like 5 more people are announcing their births of their babies or that they are expecting. 

I also found out that by having a c section it increases your odds of having an ectopic pregnancy. Thanks doctors for that one. 

I know that I will one day have more kids and I know that there are people out there who have had it worse than I have but for me this has been harder than I could have imagined. The feeling of loss is a different kind than I have experienced before. The feeling of loss is something I never want to feel again and would never wish on anyone. The feeling of loss is something I won't be able to get over for what seems like the rest of my life.

One day I had a baby growing inside and then I didn't anymore.